Here are my latest blog posts, I hope you enjoy them.
Nadine Coyle, former 'Girls Aloud' singer is currently scratching her head and wondering where it all went wrong. Her debut single and album both entitled 'Insatiable' are both wallowing in the late 40's in their respective charts.
I'm no music expert, but I guess that signing to 'Tesco' records, (yes 'Tesco' the supermarket people) and being quoted as saying that; 'she wrote most of the album whilst sitting on the toilet' may've had something to do with it! Sounds more like 'Impotent' than 'Insatiable' to me.
Anyway, never mind all that.
...Wills-Kate, Wills-Kate, Wills-Kate...
I've come over all lovey-dovey.
RETRO POST ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 17TH/NOV/10
Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement yesterday, good luck to them. Maybe this will give the UK's media something positive to talk about for a change. But be warned; by the time the couple, actually, do tie the knot you will probably be just a teeny-weeny bit weary of hearing the names William and Kate.
Personally I'd tolerate that if it stops the press from focusing on the 'possibility' or even the 'probability' or further still the 'INEVITABILITY' of a 'Double-Dip' recession.
W - "You'll never believe it Rachel's off on holiday AGAIN. I bet they give me the trainee, well I'll go mad if she makes a mess of it."
The fateful day arrives ...
W2 - "Hi love, how are you? Hope you don't mind, Rachel's on holiday this week, yeah I know, Teneriffe this time, Natalie's here though. Natalie, I said scissors NOT tweezers. What are they like? Coffee no sugar hun?"
A word of warning for the boys. If you are aware that your partner has had her hair done by anyone other than her regular stylist, make yourself scarce.
She will put the aforementioned 'hair-shaking, eyelash-fluttering, mouth-pouting ritual' into overdrive. However, this time she will more than likely start exhibiting an additional feature, the incessant side-to-side head tilt. I have ascertained from my research that this is to check that the trainee stylist has cut both sides evenly.
The likelihood is she will not be over enamoured with the replacement stylist's efforts and seeing as it would be totally unthinkable for her to fall out with her hairdresser about it the most likely target for her annoyance will be, yes you've guessed it, YOU.
Oh, another piece of advice, now would not be an appropriate time to start quibbling about the cost ...
M - "What £68.00? SIXTY EIGHT P-O-U-N-D-S? Are you kidding me? You're not, are you? Darling put that down, honey, do not throw ..."
To be continued ...
Men's haircuts versus women's hairdos continued:
Wouldn't it be funny if men sought the same reaction as women when they'd just had their hair done?
W - "Well do you NOT like my hair then?"
M - "Yeah, course I do. How much have you had taken off?
W. - "Well, I told Rachel to remove about a micro-millimetre, it's not too short is it?
M. - "No, it looks great."
W. - "And look, (bends her head forward for dramatic effect), look at my roots, all gone."
She will then proceed to check repeatedly on her new hairdo (in any reflective surface, not just mirrors). The casual observer will recognize this ritual is taking place when the female starts to shake her hair to and fro, she will then flutter her eyelashes before finally pouting provocatively. Do not be alarmed because this process will cease within approximately three hours or even sooner if her favourite soap opera comes on TV.
Everything is hunky dory on the hairstyle front until the dreaded day dawns ... A woman's regular hair stylist is away on holiday or worse still she has the audacity to take time off ill.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 12TH/NOV/10
Yahoo Personals (YP) revealed this week the best pick-up moves that work on men.
Top tips include smiling, hair flicking, (your own not his) accidental contact, (I'd better watch out for that one down at Tesco's) and 'double take eye contact' with 'a cute surpressed smile' (sounds like she's in pain) for maximum impact...hmm.
YP also suggests whispering in his ear (but loud enough so he doesn't have to ask you to repeat it - something about not spoiling the moment?). Apparantly it doesn't matter what you whisper as long as it includes his name, it's more about your breath tickling his earlobe.
This is good stuff, the next time Mandy leans over and whispers something in my ear (especially if it's delivered in a husky, puff-blowing fashion), I'll know that more than likely she has designs on spending all my hard earned cash down the Trafford Centre. See guys, you've got to keep one step ahead of 'em in this game!
Finally, YP recommends winking at handsome strangers that you spot at the bar. SORRY, I am NOT having that one, NO WAY, that just does not happen, no-one winks at strangers.
But hey, if you do fancy giving it a go make sure you practice at home first, afterall you want it to come accross as sexy and flirtatious, and not like you've developed a bit of a twitch.
"Did she just wink at me then or did she just flinch? There she goes again, it must be a nervous tick, come on mate drink up we're leaving."
That's enough frivolity for one day, I'm going.
Men's haircuts versus women's hairdos
Legislation should be passed outlawing unisex hair salons. Only men should be allowed to cut men's hair and only women should be allowed to cut women's. In fairness, women probably observe this 'law' already, but the guys are far more gullible.
W. "Would you like a shampoo and rinse before I cut your hair sir?"
M. "No thanks, just a regular haircut, will be fine."
W. "Are you sure sir, it's included in the price?."
M. "Okay, go on then."
After the shampoo and rinse, the hairdresser will give you a free (sorry, a complimentary, all inclusive in the price) appraisal of your hair's condition. A guy's some total interest in 'hairdressing' is to come out of the shop with shorter hair than when he went in. Of course, girls don't subscribe to this theory, oh no.
W. "Hmm, let's see (Musses guy's hair - a la Stan Laurel) I could really do something with this hair, how about highlights? They would hide that tinge of grey and give you a whole new look."
M. "A standard trim will be fine thanks."
W. "Are you sure, I'm feeling creative?"
M. "Yeah, I'm sure, thanks all the same."
W. "How about extensions?"
Well the experiment was worth a try, but you can't beat your good old barber. A chat about the footy, same old trusted haircut you've had for the last twenty years, mirror at the back of the head, and it's job done in less than fifteen minutes.
Women, however, view hairdos decidedly differently. Pick up any women's magazine (metaphorically speaking of course) and you'll see at least half a dozen features about hair:
'Check out this week's fab celebrity hairstyles'.
'Hairdos and hairdont's'.
'Does your hairstyle suit your face shape?'.
WT - I'd never thought of that, I must look in the mirror immediately. (sucks cheeks in, puffs cheeks out, smiles, musses hair, shakes head, bares teeth) Hmm, probably not, that does it, it's time for a change, I wonder how violet dipped with pink would look? - Well, if it's good enough for Rhianna ...
To be continued ...
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 11TH/NOV/10
Alex 'The Brand' went out of 'The Apprentice' last night, not before time in my opinion. I think he would have gone last week if it hadn't've been for Paloma's rant in the boardroom.
SuBo has a new album out 'The Gift' liking it, gift for xmas, xmas gift, clever marketing that. Personally, I'm not a fan but it's nice to see true talent overcoming image for a change. Go SuBo!
The unknown missile which was caught on camera by a news helicopter in California on Monday has baffled many people in America. Apparently the experts now think it was an optical illusion?
Robert Ellsworth, former US ambassador to Nato and an ex-deputy secretary of defence said: "It's spectacular...It takes people's breath away."
"Well put Robert, but was it a threat to to US national security?"
"Er, not sure, Andy, but it sure looked pretty." (My words NOT Robert's)
Finally, following a 'Facebook' campaign the new voice of Sat-Nav is UK Shakespearian actor, Brian Blessed, dont think we'll need a volume-up button with Brian, he makes your average 'town crier' sound coy.
Have a nice day.
Is your man tightfisted? - continued:
Another surefire sign that 'Mr Cuddlybear' is, in fact, a tight arse in disguise is if he is constantly pleading poverty despite earning a decent income. You see, the logic in this is simple but effective. If he can convince you that he doesn't have any money in the first place, you are far less likely to expect him to spend anything on you.
So how do you counteract these 'frugal' tendencies? Well you could reason with him, you could appeal to his better nature, or you could even plead with him, but if all else fails simply blackmail him!
Sorry, I mean convince him that it would be in his best interests to spend a teeny weeny bit more money on you. The quickest and most effective method of achieving this goal is to make him jealous or hurt his pride.
What? - You want results don't you?
Get another man to spend money on you, especially in public. It doesn't matter who the man is, it could be your friend, your father, an uncle, anyone. Men do not like other men spending money on their women, they feel threatened and/or inferior, and they will instinctively want to prove that they are the better provider - simples.
Seriously though, if someone is tightfisted with their money they are likely to be tightfisted with many other things as well. Things like their attention, affection, support and time.
Before you move in with your 'Mr Bear', it would be wise to ascertain whether he is as 'generous' as he is 'cuddly'.
Is your girl a spendaholic?
At the risk of being sexist, I think it's a fair comment to say most women tend to be more carefree with their money than men.
M - "Darling, I think we should put a break on our spending, just for the next few weeks."
W - "Don't be such a spoilsport, it's only money, and besides you can't take it with you."
M - "Seriously hun, we've spent a fortune recently, let's just be a bit more careful, that's all."
W - "La - la - la - la - laaaaaaaa - I'm NOT listening to you."
Does this sound familiar guys?
To be continued ...
Have a frugal weekend.
Gail Porter has pulled out at the last minute to be replaced by A US playboy bunny and other 'stars' include oddball politician Lembit Opik. Thank God for Ant and Deck (the hosts) that's all I can say.
Full line up: Sheryl Gascoigne (Ex-wife of footballer Paul), Nigel Havers (actor), Shaun Ryder (Mancunian singer - to add a bit of northern sophistication, no doubt), Britt Ekland (Actress), Linford Christie (athlete), Gillian Mckeith (TV dietician), Lembit Opik (politician and former Cheeky Girl boyfriend - wow), Stacey Solomon (former X Factor finalist), Aggro Santos (rapper), Kayla Collins (Playboy Playmate).
My parents once appeared in an episode of 'Juliet Bravo' (by accident - it used to be filmed in my hometown) I wonder if that qualifies me to appear on next years show...?
Just a thought.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 10TH/NOV/10
A woman from New Jersey has become an internet sensation after solving a 26 letter 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle with just ONE letter revealed. Apparantly she's going to spend her $53,000 prize money on paying off her student loan and a Chanel handbag...hmm
The line up of this years 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here' gameshow has just been announced. It includes 'Happy Monday's' former frontman Shaun Ryder, who was recently banned from Channel Four for using foul and abusive language live on air, so rock and roll Shaun and so original.
The 'celebrity status' of some of the contestants is already being brought into question. Stacey Solomon, the girl who came 2nd or 3rd in last years ''X' Factor' for one, if you remember she sang like an angel but spoke incessantly with the most irritating voice known to man...keep the remote control handy, you have been warned.
One way of instantly improving your financial situation is to stop using credit cards, they are a false economy and will cost you dearly in the long run. Another way is to start monitoring your finances on a daily basis. Five minutes a day studying your bank accounts and investments will save you an absolute fortune.
Is your man tightfisted?
Okay, you have fallen head over heels in love with your guy, he is wonderful. You love his cute little smile, the way he frowns when he's thinking, and the way he always makes you laugh. 'Mr Cuddlybear' is simply irresistible, so much so that you decide to move in with him ...
It's funny how you don't notice the little things in the early stages of a romantic relationship. So what if he follows you around the house turning off all the lights and electrical appliances in your wake? He's just being thrifty that's all.
WT - Funny though, we don't dine at any expensive restaurants anymore, in fact, I'm lucky if he takes me out for a meal-deal once a month. I should have become suspicious when he took me to MacDonalds on our first date!
To be continued ...
Who holds the purse strings?
In days gone by couples, married or otherwise, tended to manage their finances independently from each other. If the man were the sole bread winner, he would give his spouse house-keeping money, and retain the rest of his salary for himself.
Alternatively, if both partners worked they would share the financial responsibilities and then handle the rest of their disposable incomes individually. Some older couples still choose to live this way.
M - "Don't forget you still owe me that fiver from last week."
W - "Yes, but I bought you some underwear in M & S yesterday, it came to £9.50, so actually, you owe ME a fiver."
M - "Pa! - £2, £4, £4.50. There, now we're straight."
I think it's fair to say that most modern couples prefer to pool their finances and resources, because it's a much easier and fairer way of cohabiting.
Finance is a vital part of any partnership and therefor it should be treated as a high-priority issue. It is essential that at least one of you takes time out to organise and implement the household budget.
However worse is to come for the residents of Britain's most famous street when a tram disaster (due to be screened in December) wipes out many of the cast. My nails are already bitten to the quick in anticipation of this terrible event. Just hope Dreary, sorry Deirdrie doesn't cop for it.
Have a grand day chuck and don't forget t' put wood in thole (close the door) on tha way owt.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED TUES 9TH/NOV/10
Prime Minister David Cameron is in Beijing today leading Britain's biggest ever official delegation to China in an effort to strenghen the relationship between the two countries.
At home most of the UK is facing severe weather warnings, don't you just love living in 'sunny' Britain!?
Jack Duckworth (played by Bill Tarmey) one of the main characters in Britain's longest running soap opera 'Coronation Street' died last night, it was really sad. 'Jack' has been in the show for over thirty years.
Phrases such as; 'As you say' or 'As you said' also have a similar effect, there is nothing people love more than having their opinions and beliefs reiterated, you'll actually see them nodding and agreeing with YOU as you recall something they once said - How powerful is that?
Most women place a great deal of importance on their clothes and appearance in general, whereas men are more egotistical. Therefor, women prefer compliments about how they look and their values, as opposed to men who prefer compliments about their 'personalities' and their abilities.
If someone has changed their appearance in some way, they will always appreciate a compliment about it. Because the look is new they will be seeking reassurance about it, and will be grateful to those who give it to them.
Really listening to someone is a compliment, and asking questions about what they are saying, as opposed to bulldozing on with your own agenda, is a way of confirming that you are interested in their views and opinions.
A good way of getting a person to talk more is to use phrases that encourage speech such as 'Tell me about it', 'How do you feel about it' or 'What's your oppinion'. Alternatively you can repeat their words in a questioning fashion, and they will automatically give you more information.
The grapevine is also an excellent way of complimenting people. Rest assured if you compliment a person to one of their friends or work colleagues it will get back to them.
Contrary to popular belief the majority of compliments have at least a minimal positive impact on the recipient, but you will always add weight to a compliment with a good delivery.
When giving a compliment you should always adopt good eye contact, have good timing and speak clearly and sincerely. As for your compliments being interpreted as bootlicking, let other people worry about that.
"When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart." - Helen Rowland.
To be continued ...
Have a great weekend.
But OH NO, she wanted to make ABSOLUTELY sure that Lord Sugar was under NO illusions about how incompetent her two team mates REALLY were.
He granted her wish and she proceeded to launch into a tirade of abuse against them.
Only one result, Paloma.
Have a great day.
Er, I mean you guys, not Paloma, well Paloma as well really, that's if she visits this site of course. Er, I'll shut up now. Good idea!
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED THURS 4TH/NOV/10
The Apprentice was good again last night, this is such a great show but where do they find so many contestants who are so 'up themselves'?
One guy said the other week "Evertything I touch turns to SOLD", come on, please.
Paloma (who was 'such a strong candidate' - well that's what she told us on at least six occassions last night) got fired. Talk about 'snatching defeat from the jaws of victory'.
I'm convinced she was through only for her to ask Lord Sugar in the boardroom shootout if she could say one final thing.
"Oh dear, keep your mouth shut Paloma, you've performed the task really well, it's obvious Lord sugar doesn't think much of the other two...Sshh!"
Where to find love?
If you are currently single and want to find a partner, it is essential to get out and about as much as possible. No matter how appealing you are to members of the opposite sex they are not going to find you whilst you are sat at home watching TV.
I appreciate that this is sometimes easier said than done, but making a conscious effort to socialise will always pay dividends in the long run. Of course, some people are naturally shy, but it is worth remembering that shyness is perceived by many as being an attractive quality.
As well as socialising more it is vital to frequent the same places. If you are flitting about all over town it will be impossible for any prospective suitors to track your movements, and eventually they will lose interest and switch their attentions to someone else.
It is best to have three or four venues that you visit regularly, that way you will be accessible to any potential dates whilst retaining the option of avoiding any unwanted admirers.
"There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment." - Robert Brault.
Even though we live in an increasingly cynical world the power of a sincere compliment still persists. Okay, there is a thin line between flattery and sycophancy but the bottom line is this:
NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN PERSECUTED FOR DELIVERING A COMPLIMENT.
The art of praise giving is so powerful and yet so underused. We may live in a world where most compliments are received with at least a little suspicion, but so what, that should not stop us from giving them.
An undelivered compliment is a travesty for both the potential giver and receiver. Even if a compliment is considered to be corny, or worse still insincere, it is rarely viewed as being offensive.
A compliment can be as subtle as simply agreeing with someone and words such as 'correct', 'exactly' and 'absolutely' help promote effective communication.
To be continued ...
4. Large brown bin (cardboard? that's brown, easy to remember - No - bottles and cans). 5. Large blue bin (cardboard). I keep having to fish our bottles and cans out of the blue bin.
"PLEASE let us put our bottles and cans in the blue one and our cardboard in the brown, no? Okay. Yes, I HAVE made sure that all the lids ARE down and no waste is protruding from any of the bins, I'm a good citizen."
"Just remind me again, which ones did you say you were collecting this week?"
Have a nice day.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 3RD/NOV/10
First day of our area's new recycling programme today, well the UK is only 20 years behind the rest of the civilised world, so we can't complain too much. Next year they've promised us all in-door loos which will be a real treat especially on those cold winter nights.
Let me get this right because I've been practicing!
1. Small green bin (food), 2. Large green bin (garden waste), yeah, I get that green for garden waste, that makes sense. 3. Medium sized black bin (general waste), Yeah, I'm liking it even more, black for black bagged waste, you know, our council is really switched on to the needs of it's residents.
Now this is where it starts getting confusing, councils - confusing? Never. Incidentally, these bins are starting to mount up, I can't move in this garage anymore.
Likewise, women's verbal and emotional skills aren't an exact match for driving either.
W - "Did I tell you about Cheryl? You know, the woman that works at the green grocers in the village. Well, you'll never guess what she did last Saturday ..."
M - "Please hun, concentrate on the road and DON'T answer that mobile phone either. Can't your make-up wait until we have stopped?"
Well we've mastered driving, now how about parking?
W - "Toss me your car keys love, I just need to move your new car over a little, so I can get 'Jenny' on the drive."
Let's be honest, that's not going to happen, is it? In fairness, parallel parking is not something they teach you when you're learning to drive but then again they don't teach you how to find your car in a shopping centre either."
M - "Can I help you sir, you seem to have been pushing that trolley around for an age."
M2 - "No, I'm okay thanks, I'm just getting a bit of frsh air."
M - "Okay but when you DO decide to go back to your car, you'll find that your time has expired, I've just given you a ticket, have a nice day."
Keep calm and drive carefully.
Life on the open road continued:
Spatial ability versus verbal and emotional skills:
There has been plenty of talk about who are the better drivers-men or women? Irrespective of the statistics, (for the record, 60 per cent of all drivers are men and the majority of insurance companies offer lower premiums to women) there are certain key factors that must be considered.
Men tend to have more spatial skill, the ability to assess and orientate shapes and spaces than women, and women tend to be better than men at tasks that require verbal and emotional qualities.
Whoever invented the Sat-Nav should be knighted because it has revolutionised driving and rid us of one of it's greatest headaches - map reading.
I don't think it's unfair to say that the fairer sex and maps aren't exactly an ideal combination.
W - "it's that turning there."
M - "What turning? There is no turning."
W - "Yes there was, you passed it fifty yards back."
He still doesn't want to risk rejection by laying his heart on the ground for you to stamp on, (as if you girls would do that to us guys YL?) but when a man says this he clearly thinks that your date is going well. (Oh, we're on a date now are we, well thanks for telling me. I can't hear you, pardon?, sorry YL, you'll have to speak up, it's so damn noisy in here, it's like Picadilly Train Station...I knew that, I knew we WERE at Picadilly Train Station, I was just kidding. What the **** is she doing here, I'm not hiding from anyone YL) Or, his ex-girlfriend has just walked in.
Be warned, you haven't got him in the bag yet. (kidnapping is a very serious offence YL) When you “go on somewhere” he's still sussing you out. He hasn't switched to a quieter venue so that he can rip your clothes off – it's simply so that conversation is easier and he can find out more about you. (This new man malarky is becomming a real pain in the...)
#. “Hey try this: it's a whiskey sour. I first had one in New York. Careful, sip slowly...”
He means: You are intimidatingly cool. Must prove that I'm at least as cool as you are. (YL, what do you take us guys for?, we can handle sufistikate... sufostikate... posh birds, no problem)
This is not about whiskey cocktails, it's about his ego. If a man is impressed by your career or conversation, watch him try to rescue his intimidated ego (you're too cynical YL) by pulling out all his best alpha male tricks. He'll brag, crack jokes, spend money on you.
(don't get too giddy YL, just because you've got a nice line in patter doesn't mean to say we're going to spend a fortune on you, do you want another half of Guinness by the way?, I can't stay too long though, up early tomorrow, yeah, skydiving. Did I tell you Bono's my cousin, I'm going over to the States next week to see him and the rest of the boys, you know U2...A coincidence that, I mean Barry Manillow being your father and me being related to another rock superstar, turn sideways YL. Hmm, I suppose it is possible)
The poor weather forecast has put paid to the skydiving, so I suppose I'll just have to potter round the garden instead, maybe I'll put on a few of my old Barry Manillow CD's, that'll be nice...
To be continued...
Have a good weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 20TH/MAY/11
Yahoo Lifestyle's latest article is a peice entitled "What men mean when they say..."
(Are you trying to say that us guys are insincere YL? or that we talk in riddles, talk about the pot calling the kettle black, okay, okay, I'll read on.)
What we say and what we mean are never going to be exactly the same. (pardon?) Good thing, too – imagine the chaos if everyone went around giving voice to every thought that passes through their head. (isn't that called being drunk at the office party YL?) Civilisation is built on secrets and diplomacy – and relationships are built on tact, little white lies and knowing when to shut up. (I never said a word YL)
We're all at it: men, women, singles and couples. But we're not all at it in quite the same way, (now whose talking in riddles) and you'll fare much better with men if you understand the subtle differences between their hidden meanings and yours. Here's a quick guide to understanding and speaking man-talk. (This should be fun!)
# “I definitely know you from somewhere.”
He means: I definitely fancy you. (don't be so presumtuous YL, I just thought I knew you from somewhere that was all, you're not one of those women who thinks that every man who speaks to her wants to marry her are you?, I suppose I'd like two children now you come to mention it but why do you ask?)
A guy who's trying to impress you wouldn't dream of risking a full “I fancy you” at this early stage, so he's hedging his bets with a glaringly unsubtle, flirty cliche. (far be it for me to disrespect my own gender YL but I think you are greatly over estimating our intellegence, we don't think that deeply, I just thought you looked familiar that was all but hey, take it as a compliment, by all means)
It works for a couple of reasons: first, it draws you into the idea that you and he are somehow connected - ah, it's fate!. It's also his way of signalling his interest, without making himself vulnerable to rejection. He fears rejection like a slug fears salt. (Arrgghh!, don't be so carefree with the condiments YL, that hurt)
#. “It's getting noisy in here. Do you want to go somewhere less crowded?”
He means: I like you, and I think you like me, so let's find somewhere more romantic. (okay, I'll run with this one, for now)
After I'd been driving for about ten minutes I hit heavy traffic and I remember letting another Mini out of a side road. The driver was a young woman and she gave me a grateful wave of her hand and a lovely smile before pulling into the gap I'd left for her.
There was something about her expression that puzzled me. I didn't recognize her, but there was just something about the way she'd acknowledged me, like the way you'd greet an old friend that made me think that maybe I did know her from somewhere after all.
Then, I considered how I must have looked driving 'my' orange Mini, with it's oversized fluffy dice whilst sporting my 'Village People' jacket and came to the shocking realisation that the girl had probably thought I was gay!
The more I thought about it the more convinced I became that she had thought I was gay. Needless to say, I've not got behind the wheel of my wife's car since, as for the 'village People' jacket, well that's got at least another ten years wear left in it ... What?! - Okay, five then.
'It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A ...'
To be continued...
Life on the open road:
Why do men and women adopt a totally different approach to cars and driving? At the end of the day, it's all about getting from A to B, isn't it?
Although men can be slobs around the house, they treat their cars with reverence.
M - "I hope your shoes are clean honey I've just spent all morning giving HER a good vacuuming. Oh be careful, you're getting hair all over the passenger seat again!"
My wife drives a Mini Cooper Convertible. It's a lovely car, but I never feel comfortable driving it. Maybe it's the colour, which is bright orange, or the fact that it has a massive pair of colour coordinated fluffy dice draped around the rear-view mirror. I don't know; it just doesn't feel like a guy's car to me.
I don't drive it very often, but one day I decided to take it out for a spin. Without thinking, I put on a large, chunky jacket that is extremely warm and comfortable, but does make me look a bit like a member of the 'Village People'.
Lord Sugar: “Edward reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to sit and wait as you see him ticking over.”
Lord Sugar: “Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country I believe?
Edward Hunter: “Don’t fit the mould."
Lord Sugar: “I beg your pardon? Can you stop talking to me in semaphore, we’re not sending each other text messages!”
Edward Hunter: “At the end of the day Lord Sugar didn’t see what he wanted in me and I can accept that. I’m only 25, the world is my oyster. Roll with the punches.”
Lord Sugar: “You (Edward) said on your resume – ‘I’m Lord Sugar’s dream’. With the greatest of respect you’ve been a bit of a nightmare, and for that reason – You’re Fired!”
Just because poor Edward bit the dust so early, fear not, there are plenty of other candidates vying to fill his 'annoying git of the series' shoes. the favourite being Vincent Disneur who in my oppinion adds a whole new meaning to the word deluded.
His comments to date include. "I'm just going to go in there with my usual charismatic attitude." and "My positive approach and very good looks make me stand out from the crowd."
My personal favourite comment from 'show 1' though came from Melody Hossaini, who, when discussing how the girls team had excelled in the task said “Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the Moon!”
I hope the show turns out to be 'One giant leap for mankind' for Melody as opposed to 'Houston we have a problem.'... We'll see.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 18TH/MAY/11
# Caledonian Thistle toppled the mighty Celtic recently prompting the newspaper headline: "Super Cally were fantastic, Celtic were atrocious" There's a song in there somewhere?!
# Sticking with football the Ajax goalkeeper's reputation for having a safe pair of hands was somewhat tarnished when he dropped the Eredivisie (Dutch) league trophy off the top of the team bus.
Maarten Stekelenburg who is tipped by many to replace Edwin van der Sar as the next Manchester United goalkeeper calamitously dropped the trophy whilst the team were celebrating, er, 'lifting' the trophy for the first time since 2004. - Good luck Sir Alex!
# Fantastic! - The best show of the year is up and running again. "The Apprentice" fronted by Lord Sugar and his two assistants, (Karen Brady and the whistful-looking Nick Hewer) is again giving TV licence payers value for money.
Where do they get the contestants from though? Last years quotes of the series came undoubtedly from Stuart "The Brand" (as he dubbed himself) Baggs who somehow managed to finish third. Amoung Stu's classics were "Everything I touch turns to sold." (Do you get that, gold/sold?...oh, never mind) and "I'm not a one-trick pony, I'm a ten-trick pony, in fact, I've got a whole field full of ponies."
This year's version of Stu unfortunately fell at the first fence (ponies, horse racing - come on, keep up!) and I must admit, part of me wishes he'd stayed around just a little bit longer.
Edward Hunter who proclaimed on more than one occasion during 'show 1' that he was the youngest and the shortest contestant. (what's height got to do with it Edward?) showed annoying tendencies right from the off. My guess is that Lord Sugar was mindful of allowing another 'loveable' yet bumbling character to progress so far in the series.
Does your man frustrate you? - continued:
W - "Come on, get up, WE'VE got lots to do today, rise and shine."
M - "What-What? God, I was fast asleep then, what the hell's got into you?"
W - "I told you last night we were getting up early."
M - "Just another ten minutes, I'm tired."
W - "Come on, you've got to mow the lawn, sort out that leaking tap, decorate the spare room, and then we'll have breakfast."
How would your man behave in such a situation? Would he a) Jump out of bed, rush and do all his chores before whisking you off for a champagne lunch? Or b) Roll over, snooze for another twenty minutes and then whine for the rest of the day about having to 'work' on his day off?
Don't answer that.
Men like to lounge ...
WT - Okay give him his due, he has completed all his tasks for the day, but that's no excuse to go and lay on the settee and read the newspaper, now he's turned on the TV, if he thinks we are sitting in watching the football all afternoon he's got another thing coming.
W - "Come on, it's a lovely day, it's too nice to sit in here and waste it."
M - "Where were you thinking of going?"
W - "Well Selfridges have got a sale on and then we could go and look at that new furniture place and if we've got time we could even go and book a holiday."
M - "Woah, hold on a minute, we're not made of money, besides, don't you think it's time we visited your mother? I mean, we've not seen her in ages and I'm sure she'd love to see us."
W - "My mother-are you feeling alright?"
M - "Sure, I like your mother."
W - "Okay honey, that would be lovely, and thinking about it, why should we try to squeeze our shopping trip into a couple of hours this afternoon when we've got all day tomorrow to do it? I'll go and set the alarm clock before we leave."
To be continued ...
Have a great weekend.
# Avoiding his Achilles heel:
Try to be kind. You don't have to play the shrink with him, but you need to realize that today's bad temper is probably connected to something that happened either in the past or in a sphere that doesn't directly concern you. (How could it possibly be your fault YL?)
One way forward is to anticipate the danger areas and try to avoid them or play them down, (does that mean I can go to the pub and watch the footy afterall?) When you realize that he's negatively misinterpreted what you've said, you can always choose to rephrase or reassure him. (In other words guys, the girls need to speak to us in simple language we can understand, no YL we don't feel patronised one bit, continue)
Build up his self-esteem. (Still not feeling patronised) The best way to prevent his negativity is for you to be positive and constructive. (still smiling - but I think I'll pop down to the gymn YL and try to lose some of that excess weight I've been carrying)
Confrontation is fine once in a while (this is woman-speak for us guys letting them get their own way ninety nine times before disagreeing with them once - but be warned newbies, she will then refuse to speak to you for two days, not including insults and abuse of course and you'll end up apologising for something you haven't done and funding a shopping spree to boot, cost pro rata to 'offence' caused) as long as it doesn't become a habit, particularly if your man is often easily annoyed. In this case, it would be better to try a different approach. Try, instead, to be appreciative; point out his exceptional qualities and encourage his choices, both professional and personal. (your too kind YL)
Hopefully, your new attitude will encourage him to give more thought to how he reacts to others and help free him of his insecurities. (I'm sure it will YL) If he wants to avoid all those pointless arguments, he'd be far better off focusing on his strengths and learning to articulate his feelings rather than behaving aggressively and your positive support will go a long way in helping him to make the change.
(Yes driver it's just the one case...yeah, terminal 2... Australia... I'm sure the weather will be great this time of year, it'll make a pleasant change from the frosty climate on offer round here)
(Hi YL, yeah, I'm on my way, I'll see you at the airport in about ten minutes...)
(What?...well I couldn't have an unhappy ending could I, besides which I couldn't go to Australia without YL, I'd have no one to argue with)
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 16TH/MAY/11
Monday morning again, yippee! - Here's the conclusion to Yahoo Lifestyle's article "How to avoid offending him"
# His definition of self-confidence:
Historically, men were the hunters (Me Tarzan, you Jane, YL) whose primary function was to bring food to the cave to feed their family. Man's sense of pride is, consequently, derived from his professional expertise, competence and the notion of "doing".
Work is the area in which he most excels and where most of his battles are played out, and that holds true even today! (YL, you are such a genius, now stop gabbing for just one minute and pass me that last pterodactyl leg)
But women are unimpressed by this male jostling and think it unimportant so they may playfully point out (I feel another one of those all-knowing smiles comming guys) that their best friend's partner is doing very well and is climbing rapidly up the social ladder.
Although such comments are not designed to hurt, (not half - but now you mention it Emma has lost a lot of weight YL, and didn't she look great in those new jeans? - Hmm) they are guaranteed to make his hackles rise. This is exacerbated by the fact that men are generally not "talkers" but "doers" who define themselves though their actions and achievements.
Understanding his ego:
Sometimes tetchiness can arise from a man's arrogance or superiority - in short, his ego. "This affects men who are very confident, successful and very at ease in society," If they're used to being treated in a certain way outside the home, then the slightest lack of attention at home can meet with their immediate disapproval.
(YL, pass me the remote control please, the remote control YL, YL PASS ME THE REMOTE CONTROL! - I'm NOT shouting) This is inevitable in everyday life when there's no need to keep up appearances and just being nice or kind doesn't always do the trick. (it helps though)
M - "You're sobbing, now tell me, what's upsetting you?."
W - "That f-f-rog on TV is l-i-m-p-i-n-g, Waahhh!"
Does your man frustrate you?
Women are great planners and organisers; men just go along for the ride. Men regard the weekend as a time to relax, the way they see it is that they've worked all week, so the weekend is their playtime.
Bless them, will they never learn?
WT - You warned him not to have that extra beer last night, but would he listen? It's now 8.30am on a Saturday morning, and he's still snoozing away, in fact, he's been snoozing and snoring for most of the night, but that's another story.
It's time for some feminine revenge ...
To be continued ...
Why do women cry at the adverts?
In today's society, it's much more acceptable for members of both sexes to open up, show their emotions, and have a good cry every once in a while. Not so long ago, however, if a man cried, even just in front of his own family, people would naturally assume he was having some kind of breakdown.
We should feel free to cry if we want to, in fact, it's good for our health. It's much better to let our feelings out than to bottle them up and let them gnaw away at us.
However, women have taken this emotion to a whole new level. They will cry at absolutely anything.
M - "What's the matter love-for heaven's sake, what's wrong?"
W - "Nothing, I'm fine, my eyes are just watering, that's all."
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 13TH/MAY/11
Yahoo Lifestyle have recently written an article entitled "How to avoid offending him" (I'm not sure I like the sound of this one but here goes, I'm sure us guys won't get patronised too much...?)
It's widely believed that women are the touchy, sensitive sex but now it would appear that men are just as volatile and quick to take offence, and can sometimes react very unpredictably. (yep, keep 'em guessing guys)
We'll look at his need to be noticed, (I can do a hand-stand on one hand, whilst singing God Save the Queen, YL) his view on what is hurtful, his definition of self-confidence, Understanding his ego and avoiding his Achilles heel.
"Haven't you put on a little weight" (Have I YL? - I hadn't noticed) "Do you know Emma's husband has just had a great promotion?" (Has he, well good for him) He starts to frown almost as soon as these apparently innocuous words have left your mouth. And then he takes offence, or, worse still, starts to sulk.
(Don't fall for it guys, they're just trying to wind us up, they're obviously p***** off about something but rather than just tell us what it is they prefer to get us all angry and annoyed so they can blame us for it, sound familiar? - my advice is to keep smiling and get out of the house as soon as possible - sorry YL, you were saying)
And this isn't just a one-off; it seems that our men are becoming increasingly tetchy. "He's quick to misinterpret whatever you say, attributing a negative meaning - often wrongly, to the slightest comment or remark. And then he gets hostile and resentful. (As if, us new men are like pussycats YL)
# His need to be noticed:
Men, whether metrosexual (what the hell is metrosexual? - no, don't tell me) or not, are paying increasing attention to the way they look, (you mean 3 hours in the bathroom is too long? - don't mess with my hair YL, you know I don't like it, aww, I'm going to have to start all over again now) and enjoying the dubious privilege of being scrutinized, admired and even criticized because of their appearance.
Although relatively unimportant in the past, physical appearance now plays an important part in seduction (no, women are just becomming too damn fussy, I blame specsavers) but for those who don't quite measure up (that's woman-speak for ugly git, guys, usually followed up with a little all-knowing smile, I think I prefer ugly git) it can result in a fragile self-image.
# His view on what is hurtful:
A survey conducted by the website "Looking for love" asked 6,050 people what comments they found most hurtful. Men replied that they were most hurt by comments on the following:
Physical appearance: 29% , Behaviour in public: 18%, Opinions: 11%, Career choices: 32%, Friends: 10%
In the past, a woman might get offended if you failed to notice her new haircut or sexy lingerie. But it now seems that men can also take offence very easily for similar reasons. (Sorry YL, I'll put your nightie back, I was just curious what the colour would look like on me, honest...Oh and thanks for noticing my new haircut, I don't know why I bother)
To be continued...
Have a great weekend,
Who do these kids belong to? Invariably the parents are nowhere to be seen, they just seem quite happy to let the bar staff and other patrons look after their offspring for an hour or ten.
Bar staff should be given a medal for having to deal with so many unruly kids and their feckless parents.
"He's a character, isn't he? So full of energy."
Which translates into - "Please give me a break, and take your grotty child home, I've had just about enough of him today and enough of you for that matter." This smile is hurting my face.
In fairness, most parents are capable of looking after their kids in public places, and everyone's entitled to a break, but not taking your kids to the 'Whacky Warehouse' because it's so full of other people's kids is no excuse.
W - " Go on give him a tickle, I think he likes you, look he keeps smiling at you."
M - "I'll hold him for a second, but only so you can pull me another pint of Stella."
The changing face of the traditional pub continued:
Nowadays most pubs and restaurants resemble creches, in fact, you'll see more young children and babies down at the pub than you will at the local nursery.
Why would you want to take a three-month-old baby to a pub?
"Oh, he looks lovely doesn't he, look at his little face, ah-boo, ah-boo, ah-boo."
I dread to think what's coming next. Antenatal classes? A birthing pool in the beer garden? SpongeBobSquarepants on the big screen? It doesn't bare thinking about.
I suppose babies in pubs is just about tolerable, well as long as the parents have the courtesy to take the child to the rest room once it's screaming has exceeded 500 decibels but toddlers and young kids, come on ...
Young kids do not want to be in pubs there is nothing for them to do. Subsequently, they find things to entertain themselves. These activities usually involve running around the place at 100 miles per hour screaming and shouting.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 11TH MAY/11
# Romanian politician Edmond Talmacean has inspired national headlines in Romania with his Michael Jackson-inspired moves on a television show.
Mr Talmacean said that dancing and "having fun" were a good way to engage with the younger generation.
However not everyone enjoyed his performance and party leaders have ordered him to tone it down in future.
(Ignore the stiffy party leaders Mr T - nice moves by the way, Whose Bad!?! - Owww!)
# At least Vladimir Putin the Russian Prime Minister isn't afraid to mix with the public. Mr Putin 58, joined in during a 40 minute session with two teenage ice hockey teams.
"I thought this sport was not for me but now I like it a lot. It is very dynamic, though a very energy-consuming sport, and from my point of view, it is less traumatic than football," Putin told reporters.
In the past he as also driven a Formula 1 racing car, swam across a Siberian river and flown fighter jets. (David cameron flying fighter jets - Er, no way. To be fair though he did used to cycle to work in London's rush hour traffic, it's hard to say which is the most dangerous really)
# An Oregan mailman has been suspended for defacating in a yard on his route.
He was photographed in the act by a neighbour of the householder and the postal service responded immediately by sending someone round to remove the evidence. (The employee sent on the task said it was a crap job but someone had to do it.)
Officials with the U.S. Postal Service say they are disheartened and disappointed. (but s*** happens)
"We're taking this very seriously, and I really want to apologize to our customers and to the public. I've worked for the Postal Service for many years and have never heard of an incident like this, and I hope I never do again," said Ron Anderson with the U.S. Postal Service.
Officials with the Postal Service stated that they had suspended the mail carrier in question without pay, pending an investigation.
I don't think I'm being unfair when I say that historically leisure was predominantly a male pursuit. Traditionally, women from an extremely early age were conditioned to look after and even be subservient to their menfolk.
This process continued for about 200,000 years, and everybody was happy, well the guys certainly were, in any case. Then during the mid eighties, the Spice Girls started cavorting around our TV screens and singing things like "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want."
Woah, just hold on a minute, what YOU want? Just keep concentrating on what we want, please. Tea on the table, kids bathed and put to bed, sandwiches done for tomorrow, a clean shirt ...
Okay, I'm exaggerating (a little), but although the women's movement had been going since the late 18th century, something did change during the mid 1980's and it changed for ever.
I think for a while it was fashionable for girls to be more ladish than men, but presently things seem to have settled down a little. I'm not saying it's going to stay that way, maybe the girls are just catching their breath before their next thrust for female supremacy, but for now, I think a ceasefire has broken out between the sexes.
The changing face of the traditional pub:
Bars and pubs have changed tremendously over the last 30 years. In fairness, they needed to change, for century's they were considered a male domain and to be honest they weren't very pleasant places.
We probably hit a happy medium about ten years ago. Pubs started to become more appealing to both sexes and the dark days of men only pubs, and men only games rooms were banished forever.
Unfortunately, like most good things, these happy days came to an end. In an effort, to win back customers after the smoking ban of 2007 British pub and restaurant owners committed the cardinal sin of hostelry ... They let people in with their children.
To be continued ...
# “I’ve not been single for long. I’d make a terrible girl/boyfriend at the moment.”
She means: I am trying to let you down gently. Please don’t make it any harder. (Jump straight back in the saddle YL...well, so to speak anyway, that's the best cure for heartbreak)
He means: I’m not desperate enough yet to go out with you. (can we alter that bit?) Maybe in a few months, once I’ve exhausted all other avenues. Meanwhile, would you like to have sex with me?
9. “OK, this is my bus. You going the same way?”
She means: Please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight, please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight, please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight - repeat to fade.
He means: I would like to have sex with you. Within the next hour, if at all possible. (well the bus journey's about an hour and twenty minutes, so this should be fun)
10. “OK, this is my bus. Really nice meeting you, I’ll be in touch.”
She means: I’m not sure if I fancy you, but I’ll hedge my bets (a woman hedging her bets, never) by being slightly mysterious. If you text me on the way home, I may appreciate the gesture. But if you ring me up on the way home, I will take out a restraining order against you.
He means: Never contact me again. (never say never YL)