Here are my latest blog posts, I hope you enjoy them.
Gail Porter has pulled out at the last minute to be replaced by A US playboy bunny and other 'stars' include oddball politician Lembit Opik. Thank God for Ant and Deck (the hosts) that's all I can say.
Full line up: Sheryl Gascoigne (Ex-wife of footballer Paul), Nigel Havers (actor), Shaun Ryder (Mancunian singer - to add a bit of northern sophistication, no doubt), Britt Ekland (Actress), Linford Christie (athlete), Gillian Mckeith (TV dietician), Lembit Opik (politician and former Cheeky Girl boyfriend - wow), Stacey Solomon (former X Factor finalist), Aggro Santos (rapper), Kayla Collins (Playboy Playmate).
My parents once appeared in an episode of 'Juliet Bravo' (by accident - it used to be filmed in my hometown) I wonder if that qualifies me to appear on next years show...?
Just a thought.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 10TH/NOV/10
A woman from New Jersey has become an internet sensation after solving a 26 letter 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle with just ONE letter revealed. Apparantly she's going to spend her $53,000 prize money on paying off her student loan and a Chanel handbag...hmm
The line up of this years 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here' gameshow has just been announced. It includes 'Happy Monday's' former frontman Shaun Ryder, who was recently banned from Channel Four for using foul and abusive language live on air, so rock and roll Shaun and so original.
The 'celebrity status' of some of the contestants is already being brought into question. Stacey Solomon, the girl who came 2nd or 3rd in last years ''X' Factor' for one, if you remember she sang like an angel but spoke incessantly with the most irritating voice known to man...keep the remote control handy, you have been warned.
Who holds the purse strings?
In days gone by couples, married or otherwise, tended to manage their finances independently from each other. If the man were the sole bread winner, he would give his spouse house-keeping money, and retain the rest of his salary for himself.
Alternatively, if both partners worked they would share the financial responsibilities and then handle the rest of their disposable incomes individually. Some older couples still choose to live this way.
M - "Don't forget you still owe me that fiver from last week."
W - "Yes, but I bought you some underwear in M & S yesterday, it came to £9.50, so actually, you owe ME a fiver."
M - "Pa! - £2, £4, £4.50. There, now we're straight."
I think it's fair to say that most modern couples prefer to pool their finances and resources, because it's a much easier and fairer way of cohabiting.
Finance is a vital part of any partnership and therefor it should be treated as a high-priority issue. It is essential that at least one of you takes time out to organise and implement the household budget.
One way of instantly improving your financial situation is to stop using credit cards, they are a false economy and will cost you dearly in the long run. Another way is to start monitoring your finances on a daily basis. Five minutes a day studying your bank accounts and investments will save you an absolute fortune.
Is your man tightfisted?
Okay, you have fallen head over heels in love with your guy, he is wonderful. You love his cute little smile, the way he frowns when he's thinking, and the way he always makes you laugh. 'Mr Cuddlybear' is simply irresistible, so much so that you decide to move in with him ...
It's funny how you don't notice the little things in the early stages of a romantic relationship. So what if he follows you around the house turning off all the lights and electrical appliances in your wake? He's just being thrifty that's all.
WT - Funny though, we don't dine at any expensive restaurants anymore, in fact, I'm lucky if he takes me out for a meal-deal once a month. I should have become suspicious when he took me to MacDonalds on our first date!
To be continued ...
However worse is to come for the residents of Britain's most famous street when a tram disaster (due to be screened in December) wipes out many of the cast. My nails are already bitten to the quick in anticipation of this terrible event. Just hope Dreary, sorry Deirdrie doesn't cop for it.
Have a grand day chuck and don't forget t' put wood in thole (close the door) on tha way owt.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED TUES 9TH/NOV/10
Prime Minister David Cameron is in Beijing today leading Britain's biggest ever official delegation to China in an effort to strenghen the relationship between the two countries.
At home most of the UK is facing severe weather warnings, don't you just love living in 'sunny' Britain!?
Jack Duckworth (played by Bill Tarmey) one of the main characters in Britain's longest running soap opera 'Coronation Street' died last night, it was really sad. 'Jack' has been in the show for over thirty years.
Phrases such as; 'As you say' or 'As you said' also have a similar effect, there is nothing people love more than having their opinions and beliefs reiterated, you'll actually see them nodding and agreeing with YOU as you recall something they once said - How powerful is that?
Most women place a great deal of importance on their clothes and appearance in general, whereas men are more egotistical. Therefor, women prefer compliments about how they look and their values, as opposed to men who prefer compliments about their 'personalities' and their abilities.
If someone has changed their appearance in some way, they will always appreciate a compliment about it. Because the look is new they will be seeking reassurance about it, and will be grateful to those who give it to them.
Really listening to someone is a compliment, and asking questions about what they are saying, as opposed to bulldozing on with your own agenda, is a way of confirming that you are interested in their views and opinions.
A good way of getting a person to talk more is to use phrases that encourage speech such as 'Tell me about it', 'How do you feel about it' or 'What's your oppinion'. Alternatively you can repeat their words in a questioning fashion, and they will automatically give you more information.
The grapevine is also an excellent way of complimenting people. Rest assured if you compliment a person to one of their friends or work colleagues it will get back to them.
Contrary to popular belief the majority of compliments have at least a minimal positive impact on the recipient, but you will always add weight to a compliment with a good delivery.
When giving a compliment you should always adopt good eye contact, have good timing and speak clearly and sincerely. As for your compliments being interpreted as bootlicking, let other people worry about that.
"When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart." - Helen Rowland.
To be continued ...
Have a great weekend.
But OH NO, she wanted to make ABSOLUTELY sure that Lord Sugar was under NO illusions about how incompetent her two team mates REALLY were.
He granted her wish and she proceeded to launch into a tirade of abuse against them.
Only one result, Paloma.
Have a great day.
Er, I mean you guys, not Paloma, well Paloma as well really, that's if she visits this site of course. Er, I'll shut up now. Good idea!
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED THURS 4TH/NOV/10
The Apprentice was good again last night, this is such a great show but where do they find so many contestants who are so 'up themselves'?
One guy said the other week "Evertything I touch turns to SOLD", come on, please.
Paloma (who was 'such a strong candidate' - well that's what she told us on at least six occassions last night) got fired. Talk about 'snatching defeat from the jaws of victory'.
I'm convinced she was through only for her to ask Lord Sugar in the boardroom shootout if she could say one final thing.
"Oh dear, keep your mouth shut Paloma, you've performed the task really well, it's obvious Lord sugar doesn't think much of the other two...Sshh!"
Where to find love?
If you are currently single and want to find a partner, it is essential to get out and about as much as possible. No matter how appealing you are to members of the opposite sex they are not going to find you whilst you are sat at home watching TV.
I appreciate that this is sometimes easier said than done, but making a conscious effort to socialise will always pay dividends in the long run. Of course, some people are naturally shy, but it is worth remembering that shyness is perceived by many as being an attractive quality.
As well as socialising more it is vital to frequent the same places. If you are flitting about all over town it will be impossible for any prospective suitors to track your movements, and eventually they will lose interest and switch their attentions to someone else.
It is best to have three or four venues that you visit regularly, that way you will be accessible to any potential dates whilst retaining the option of avoiding any unwanted admirers.
"There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment." - Robert Brault.
Even though we live in an increasingly cynical world the power of a sincere compliment still persists. Okay, there is a thin line between flattery and sycophancy but the bottom line is this:
NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN PERSECUTED FOR DELIVERING A COMPLIMENT.
The art of praise giving is so powerful and yet so underused. We may live in a world where most compliments are received with at least a little suspicion, but so what, that should not stop us from giving them.
An undelivered compliment is a travesty for both the potential giver and receiver. Even if a compliment is considered to be corny, or worse still insincere, it is rarely viewed as being offensive.
A compliment can be as subtle as simply agreeing with someone and words such as 'correct', 'exactly' and 'absolutely' help promote effective communication.
To be continued ...
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 3RD/NOV/10
First day of our area's new recycling programme today, well the UK is only 20 years behind the rest of the civilised world, so we can't complain too much. Next year they've promised us all in-door loos which will be a real treat especially on those cold winter nights.
Let me get this right because I've been practicing!
1. Small green bin (food), 2. Large green bin (garden waste), yeah, I get that green for garden waste, that makes sense. 3. Medium sized black bin (general waste), Yeah, I'm liking it even more, black for black bagged waste, you know, our council is really switched on to the needs of it's residents.
Now this is where it starts getting confusing, councils - confusing? Never. Incidentally, these bins are starting to mount up, I can't move in this garage anymore.
4. Large brown bin (cardboard? that's brown, easy to remember - No - bottles and cans). 5. Large blue bin (cardboard). I keep having to fish our bottles and cans out of the blue bin.
"PLEASE let us put our bottles and cans in the blue one and our cardboard in the brown, no? Okay. Yes, I HAVE made sure that all the lids ARE down and no waste is protruding from any of the bins, I'm a good citizen."
"Just remind me again, which ones did you say you were collecting this week?"
Have a nice day.
Likewise, women's verbal and emotional skills aren't an exact match for driving either.
W - "Did I tell you about Cheryl? You know, the woman that works at the green grocers in the village. Well, you'll never guess what she did last Saturday ..."
M - "Please hun, concentrate on the road and DON'T answer that mobile phone either. Can't your make-up wait until we have stopped?"
Well we've mastered driving, now how about parking?
W - "Toss me your car keys love, I just need to move your new car over a little, so I can get 'Jenny' on the drive."
Let's be honest, that's not going to happen, is it? In fairness, parallel parking is not something they teach you when you're learning to drive but then again they don't teach you how to find your car in a shopping centre either."
M - "Can I help you sir, you seem to have been pushing that trolley around for an age."
M2 - "No, I'm okay thanks, I'm just getting a bit of frsh air."
M - "Okay but when you DO decide to go back to your car, you'll find that your time has expired, I've just given you a ticket, have a nice day."
Keep calm and drive carefully.
Life on the open road continued:
Spatial ability versus verbal and emotional skills:
There has been plenty of talk about who are the better drivers-men or women? Irrespective of the statistics, (for the record, 60 per cent of all drivers are men and the majority of insurance companies offer lower premiums to women) there are certain key factors that must be considered.
Men tend to have more spatial skill, the ability to assess and orientate shapes and spaces than women, and women tend to be better than men at tasks that require verbal and emotional qualities.
Whoever invented the Sat-Nav should be knighted because it has revolutionised driving and rid us of one of it's greatest headaches - map reading.
I don't think it's unfair to say that the fairer sex and maps aren't exactly an ideal combination.
W - "it's that turning there."
M - "What turning? There is no turning."
W - "Yes there was, you passed it fifty yards back."
He still doesn't want to risk rejection by laying his heart on the ground for you to stamp on, (as if you girls would do that to us guys YL?) but when a man says this he clearly thinks that your date is going well. (Oh, we're on a date now are we, well thanks for telling me. I can't hear you, pardon?, sorry YL, you'll have to speak up, it's so damn noisy in here, it's like Picadilly Train Station...I knew that, I knew we WERE at Picadilly Train Station, I was just kidding. What the **** is she doing here, I'm not hiding from anyone YL) Or, his ex-girlfriend has just walked in.
Be warned, you haven't got him in the bag yet. (kidnapping is a very serious offence YL) When you “go on somewhere” he's still sussing you out. He hasn't switched to a quieter venue so that he can rip your clothes off – it's simply so that conversation is easier and he can find out more about you. (This new man malarky is becomming a real pain in the...)
#. “Hey try this: it's a whiskey sour. I first had one in New York. Careful, sip slowly...”
He means: You are intimidatingly cool. Must prove that I'm at least as cool as you are. (YL, what do you take us guys for?, we can handle sufistikate... sufostikate... posh birds, no problem)
This is not about whiskey cocktails, it's about his ego. If a man is impressed by your career or conversation, watch him try to rescue his intimidated ego (you're too cynical YL) by pulling out all his best alpha male tricks. He'll brag, crack jokes, spend money on you.
(don't get too giddy YL, just because you've got a nice line in patter doesn't mean to say we're going to spend a fortune on you, do you want another half of Guinness by the way?, I can't stay too long though, up early tomorrow, yeah, skydiving. Did I tell you Bono's my cousin, I'm going over to the States next week to see him and the rest of the boys, you know U2...A coincidence that, I mean Barry Manillow being your father and me being related to another rock superstar, turn sideways YL. Hmm, I suppose it is possible)
The poor weather forecast has put paid to the skydiving, so I suppose I'll just have to potter round the garden instead, maybe I'll put on a few of my old Barry Manillow CD's, that'll be nice...
To be continued...
Have a good weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 20TH/MAY/11
Yahoo Lifestyle's latest article is a peice entitled "What men mean when they say..."
(Are you trying to say that us guys are insincere YL? or that we talk in riddles, talk about the pot calling the kettle black, okay, okay, I'll read on.)
What we say and what we mean are never going to be exactly the same. (pardon?) Good thing, too – imagine the chaos if everyone went around giving voice to every thought that passes through their head. (isn't that called being drunk at the office party YL?) Civilisation is built on secrets and diplomacy – and relationships are built on tact, little white lies and knowing when to shut up. (I never said a word YL)
We're all at it: men, women, singles and couples. But we're not all at it in quite the same way, (now whose talking in riddles) and you'll fare much better with men if you understand the subtle differences between their hidden meanings and yours. Here's a quick guide to understanding and speaking man-talk. (This should be fun!)
# “I definitely know you from somewhere.”
He means: I definitely fancy you. (don't be so presumtuous YL, I just thought I knew you from somewhere that was all, you're not one of those women who thinks that every man who speaks to her wants to marry her are you?, I suppose I'd like two children now you come to mention it but why do you ask?)
A guy who's trying to impress you wouldn't dream of risking a full “I fancy you” at this early stage, so he's hedging his bets with a glaringly unsubtle, flirty cliche. (far be it for me to disrespect my own gender YL but I think you are greatly over estimating our intellegence, we don't think that deeply, I just thought you looked familiar that was all but hey, take it as a compliment, by all means)
It works for a couple of reasons: first, it draws you into the idea that you and he are somehow connected - ah, it's fate!. It's also his way of signalling his interest, without making himself vulnerable to rejection. He fears rejection like a slug fears salt. (Arrgghh!, don't be so carefree with the condiments YL, that hurt)
#. “It's getting noisy in here. Do you want to go somewhere less crowded?”
He means: I like you, and I think you like me, so let's find somewhere more romantic. (okay, I'll run with this one, for now)
Life on the open road:
Why do men and women adopt a totally different approach to cars and driving? At the end of the day, it's all about getting from A to B, isn't it?
Although men can be slobs around the house, they treat their cars with reverence.
M - "I hope your shoes are clean honey I've just spent all morning giving HER a good vacuuming. Oh be careful, you're getting hair all over the passenger seat again!"
My wife drives a Mini Cooper Convertible. It's a lovely car, but I never feel comfortable driving it. Maybe it's the colour, which is bright orange, or the fact that it has a massive pair of colour coordinated fluffy dice draped around the rear-view mirror. I don't know; it just doesn't feel like a guy's car to me.
I don't drive it very often, but one day I decided to take it out for a spin. Without thinking, I put on a large, chunky jacket that is extremely warm and comfortable, but does make me look a bit like a member of the 'Village People'.
After I'd been driving for about ten minutes I hit heavy traffic and I remember letting another Mini out of a side road. The driver was a young woman and she gave me a grateful wave of her hand and a lovely smile before pulling into the gap I'd left for her.
There was something about her expression that puzzled me. I didn't recognize her, but there was just something about the way she'd acknowledged me, like the way you'd greet an old friend that made me think that maybe I did know her from somewhere after all.
Then, I considered how I must have looked driving 'my' orange Mini, with it's oversized fluffy dice whilst sporting my 'Village People' jacket and came to the shocking realisation that the girl had probably thought I was gay!
The more I thought about it the more convinced I became that she had thought I was gay. Needless to say, I've not got behind the wheel of my wife's car since, as for the 'village People' jacket, well that's got at least another ten years wear left in it ... What?! - Okay, five then.
'It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A ...'
To be continued...
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 18TH/MAY/11
# Caledonian Thistle toppled the mighty Celtic recently prompting the newspaper headline: "Super Cally were fantastic, Celtic were atrocious" There's a song in there somewhere?!
# Sticking with football the Ajax goalkeeper's reputation for having a safe pair of hands was somewhat tarnished when he dropped the Eredivisie (Dutch) league trophy off the top of the team bus.
Maarten Stekelenburg who is tipped by many to replace Edwin van der Sar as the next Manchester United goalkeeper calamitously dropped the trophy whilst the team were celebrating, er, 'lifting' the trophy for the first time since 2004. - Good luck Sir Alex!
# Fantastic! - The best show of the year is up and running again. "The Apprentice" fronted by Lord Sugar and his two assistants, (Karen Brady and the whistful-looking Nick Hewer) is again giving TV licence payers value for money.
Where do they get the contestants from though? Last years quotes of the series came undoubtedly from Stuart "The Brand" (as he dubbed himself) Baggs who somehow managed to finish third. Amoung Stu's classics were "Everything I touch turns to sold." (Do you get that, gold/sold?...oh, never mind) and "I'm not a one-trick pony, I'm a ten-trick pony, in fact, I've got a whole field full of ponies."
This year's version of Stu unfortunately fell at the first fence (ponies, horse racing - come on, keep up!) and I must admit, part of me wishes he'd stayed around just a little bit longer.
Edward Hunter who proclaimed on more than one occasion during 'show 1' that he was the youngest and the shortest contestant. (what's height got to do with it Edward?) showed annoying tendencies right from the off. My guess is that Lord Sugar was mindful of allowing another 'loveable' yet bumbling character to progress so far in the series.
Lord Sugar: “Edward reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to sit and wait as you see him ticking over.”
Lord Sugar: “Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country I believe?
Edward Hunter: “Don’t fit the mould."
Lord Sugar: “I beg your pardon? Can you stop talking to me in semaphore, we’re not sending each other text messages!”
Edward Hunter: “At the end of the day Lord Sugar didn’t see what he wanted in me and I can accept that. I’m only 25, the world is my oyster. Roll with the punches.”
Lord Sugar: “You (Edward) said on your resume – ‘I’m Lord Sugar’s dream’. With the greatest of respect you’ve been a bit of a nightmare, and for that reason – You’re Fired!”
Just because poor Edward bit the dust so early, fear not, there are plenty of other candidates vying to fill his 'annoying git of the series' shoes. the favourite being Vincent Disneur who in my oppinion adds a whole new meaning to the word deluded.
His comments to date include. "I'm just going to go in there with my usual charismatic attitude." and "My positive approach and very good looks make me stand out from the crowd."
My personal favourite comment from 'show 1' though came from Melody Hossaini, who, when discussing how the girls team had excelled in the task said “Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the Moon!”
I hope the show turns out to be 'One giant leap for mankind' for Melody as opposed to 'Houston we have a problem.'... We'll see.
Does your man frustrate you? - continued:
W - "Come on, get up, WE'VE got lots to do today, rise and shine."
M - "What-What? God, I was fast asleep then, what the hell's got into you?"
W - "I told you last night we were getting up early."
M - "Just another ten minutes, I'm tired."
W - "Come on, you've got to mow the lawn, sort out that leaking tap, decorate the spare room, and then we'll have breakfast."
How would your man behave in such a situation? Would he a) Jump out of bed, rush and do all his chores before whisking you off for a champagne lunch? Or b) Roll over, snooze for another twenty minutes and then whine for the rest of the day about having to 'work' on his day off?
Don't answer that.
Men like to lounge ...
WT - Okay give him his due, he has completed all his tasks for the day, but that's no excuse to go and lay on the settee and read the newspaper, now he's turned on the TV, if he thinks we are sitting in watching the football all afternoon he's got another thing coming.
W - "Come on, it's a lovely day, it's too nice to sit in here and waste it."
M - "Where were you thinking of going?"
W - "Well Selfridges have got a sale on and then we could go and look at that new furniture place and if we've got time we could even go and book a holiday."
M - "Woah, hold on a minute, we're not made of money, besides, don't you think it's time we visited your mother? I mean, we've not seen her in ages and I'm sure she'd love to see us."
W - "My mother-are you feeling alright?"
M - "Sure, I like your mother."
W - "Okay honey, that would be lovely, and thinking about it, why should we try to squeeze our shopping trip into a couple of hours this afternoon when we've got all day tomorrow to do it? I'll go and set the alarm clock before we leave."
To be continued ...
Have a great weekend.
# Avoiding his Achilles heel:
Try to be kind. You don't have to play the shrink with him, but you need to realize that today's bad temper is probably connected to something that happened either in the past or in a sphere that doesn't directly concern you. (How could it possibly be your fault YL?)
One way forward is to anticipate the danger areas and try to avoid them or play them down, (does that mean I can go to the pub and watch the footy afterall?) When you realize that he's negatively misinterpreted what you've said, you can always choose to rephrase or reassure him. (In other words guys, the girls need to speak to us in simple language we can understand, no YL we don't feel patronised one bit, continue)
Build up his self-esteem. (Still not feeling patronised) The best way to prevent his negativity is for you to be positive and constructive. (still smiling - but I think I'll pop down to the gymn YL and try to lose some of that excess weight I've been carrying)
Confrontation is fine once in a while (this is woman-speak for us guys letting them get their own way ninety nine times before disagreeing with them once - but be warned newbies, she will then refuse to speak to you for two days, not including insults and abuse of course and you'll end up apologising for something you haven't done and funding a shopping spree to boot, cost pro rata to 'offence' caused) as long as it doesn't become a habit, particularly if your man is often easily annoyed. In this case, it would be better to try a different approach. Try, instead, to be appreciative; point out his exceptional qualities and encourage his choices, both professional and personal. (your too kind YL)
Hopefully, your new attitude will encourage him to give more thought to how he reacts to others and help free him of his insecurities. (I'm sure it will YL) If he wants to avoid all those pointless arguments, he'd be far better off focusing on his strengths and learning to articulate his feelings rather than behaving aggressively and your positive support will go a long way in helping him to make the change.
(Yes driver it's just the one case...yeah, terminal 2... Australia... I'm sure the weather will be great this time of year, it'll make a pleasant change from the frosty climate on offer round here)
(Hi YL, yeah, I'm on my way, I'll see you at the airport in about ten minutes...)
(What?...well I couldn't have an unhappy ending could I, besides which I couldn't go to Australia without YL, I'd have no one to argue with)
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 16TH/MAY/11
Monday morning again, yippee! - Here's the conclusion to Yahoo Lifestyle's article "How to avoid offending him"
# His definition of self-confidence:
Historically, men were the hunters (Me Tarzan, you Jane, YL) whose primary function was to bring food to the cave to feed their family. Man's sense of pride is, consequently, derived from his professional expertise, competence and the notion of "doing".
Work is the area in which he most excels and where most of his battles are played out, and that holds true even today! (YL, you are such a genius, now stop gabbing for just one minute and pass me that last pterodactyl leg)
But women are unimpressed by this male jostling and think it unimportant so they may playfully point out (I feel another one of those all-knowing smiles comming guys) that their best friend's partner is doing very well and is climbing rapidly up the social ladder.
Although such comments are not designed to hurt, (not half - but now you mention it Emma has lost a lot of weight YL, and didn't she look great in those new jeans? - Hmm) they are guaranteed to make his hackles rise. This is exacerbated by the fact that men are generally not "talkers" but "doers" who define themselves though their actions and achievements.
Understanding his ego:
Sometimes tetchiness can arise from a man's arrogance or superiority - in short, his ego. "This affects men who are very confident, successful and very at ease in society," If they're used to being treated in a certain way outside the home, then the slightest lack of attention at home can meet with their immediate disapproval.
(YL, pass me the remote control please, the remote control YL, YL PASS ME THE REMOTE CONTROL! - I'm NOT shouting) This is inevitable in everyday life when there's no need to keep up appearances and just being nice or kind doesn't always do the trick. (it helps though)
M - "You're sobbing, now tell me, what's upsetting you?."
W - "That f-f-rog on TV is l-i-m-p-i-n-g, Waahhh!"
Does your man frustrate you?
Women are great planners and organisers; men just go along for the ride. Men regard the weekend as a time to relax, the way they see it is that they've worked all week, so the weekend is their playtime.
Bless them, will they never learn?
WT - You warned him not to have that extra beer last night, but would he listen? It's now 8.30am on a Saturday morning, and he's still snoozing away, in fact, he's been snoozing and snoring for most of the night, but that's another story.
It's time for some feminine revenge ...
To be continued ...
Why do women cry at the adverts?
In today's society, it's much more acceptable for members of both sexes to open up, show their emotions, and have a good cry every once in a while. Not so long ago, however, if a man cried, even just in front of his own family, people would naturally assume he was having some kind of breakdown.
We should feel free to cry if we want to, in fact, it's good for our health. It's much better to let our feelings out than to bottle them up and let them gnaw away at us.
However, women have taken this emotion to a whole new level. They will cry at absolutely anything.
M - "What's the matter love-for heaven's sake, what's wrong?"
W - "Nothing, I'm fine, my eyes are just watering, that's all."
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 13TH/MAY/11
Yahoo Lifestyle have recently written an article entitled "How to avoid offending him" (I'm not sure I like the sound of this one but here goes, I'm sure us guys won't get patronised too much...?)
It's widely believed that women are the touchy, sensitive sex but now it would appear that men are just as volatile and quick to take offence, and can sometimes react very unpredictably. (yep, keep 'em guessing guys)
We'll look at his need to be noticed, (I can do a hand-stand on one hand, whilst singing God Save the Queen, YL) his view on what is hurtful, his definition of self-confidence, Understanding his ego and avoiding his Achilles heel.
"Haven't you put on a little weight" (Have I YL? - I hadn't noticed) "Do you know Emma's husband has just had a great promotion?" (Has he, well good for him) He starts to frown almost as soon as these apparently innocuous words have left your mouth. And then he takes offence, or, worse still, starts to sulk.
(Don't fall for it guys, they're just trying to wind us up, they're obviously p***** off about something but rather than just tell us what it is they prefer to get us all angry and annoyed so they can blame us for it, sound familiar? - my advice is to keep smiling and get out of the house as soon as possible - sorry YL, you were saying)
And this isn't just a one-off; it seems that our men are becoming increasingly tetchy. "He's quick to misinterpret whatever you say, attributing a negative meaning - often wrongly, to the slightest comment or remark. And then he gets hostile and resentful. (As if, us new men are like pussycats YL)
# His need to be noticed:
Men, whether metrosexual (what the hell is metrosexual? - no, don't tell me) or not, are paying increasing attention to the way they look, (you mean 3 hours in the bathroom is too long? - don't mess with my hair YL, you know I don't like it, aww, I'm going to have to start all over again now) and enjoying the dubious privilege of being scrutinized, admired and even criticized because of their appearance.
Although relatively unimportant in the past, physical appearance now plays an important part in seduction (no, women are just becomming too damn fussy, I blame specsavers) but for those who don't quite measure up (that's woman-speak for ugly git, guys, usually followed up with a little all-knowing smile, I think I prefer ugly git) it can result in a fragile self-image.
# His view on what is hurtful:
A survey conducted by the website "Looking for love" asked 6,050 people what comments they found most hurtful. Men replied that they were most hurt by comments on the following:
Physical appearance: 29% , Behaviour in public: 18%, Opinions: 11%, Career choices: 32%, Friends: 10%
In the past, a woman might get offended if you failed to notice her new haircut or sexy lingerie. But it now seems that men can also take offence very easily for similar reasons. (Sorry YL, I'll put your nightie back, I was just curious what the colour would look like on me, honest...Oh and thanks for noticing my new haircut, I don't know why I bother)
To be continued...
Have a great weekend,
The changing face of the traditional pub continued:
Nowadays most pubs and restaurants resemble creches, in fact, you'll see more young children and babies down at the pub than you will at the local nursery.
Why would you want to take a three-month-old baby to a pub?
"Oh, he looks lovely doesn't he, look at his little face, ah-boo, ah-boo, ah-boo."
I dread to think what's coming next. Antenatal classes? A birthing pool in the beer garden? SpongeBobSquarepants on the big screen? It doesn't bare thinking about.
I suppose babies in pubs is just about tolerable, well as long as the parents have the courtesy to take the child to the rest room once it's screaming has exceeded 500 decibels but toddlers and young kids, come on ...
Young kids do not want to be in pubs there is nothing for them to do. Subsequently, they find things to entertain themselves. These activities usually involve running around the place at 100 miles per hour screaming and shouting.
Who do these kids belong to? Invariably the parents are nowhere to be seen, they just seem quite happy to let the bar staff and other patrons look after their offspring for an hour or ten.
Bar staff should be given a medal for having to deal with so many unruly kids and their feckless parents.
"He's a character, isn't he? So full of energy."
Which translates into - "Please give me a break, and take your grotty child home, I've had just about enough of him today and enough of you for that matter." This smile is hurting my face.
In fairness, most parents are capable of looking after their kids in public places, and everyone's entitled to a break, but not taking your kids to the 'Whacky Warehouse' because it's so full of other people's kids is no excuse.
W - " Go on give him a tickle, I think he likes you, look he keeps smiling at you."
M - "I'll hold him for a second, but only so you can pull me another pint of Stella."
# An Oregan mailman has been suspended for defacating in a yard on his route.
He was photographed in the act by a neighbour of the householder and the postal service responded immediately by sending someone round to remove the evidence. (The employee sent on the task said it was a crap job but someone had to do it.)
Officials with the U.S. Postal Service say they are disheartened and disappointed. (but s*** happens)
"We're taking this very seriously, and I really want to apologize to our customers and to the public. I've worked for the Postal Service for many years and have never heard of an incident like this, and I hope I never do again," said Ron Anderson with the U.S. Postal Service.
Officials with the Postal Service stated that they had suspended the mail carrier in question without pay, pending an investigation.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 11TH MAY/11
# Romanian politician Edmond Talmacean has inspired national headlines in Romania with his Michael Jackson-inspired moves on a television show.
Mr Talmacean said that dancing and "having fun" were a good way to engage with the younger generation.
However not everyone enjoyed his performance and party leaders have ordered him to tone it down in future.
(Ignore the stiffy party leaders Mr T - nice moves by the way, Whose Bad!?! - Owww!)
# At least Vladimir Putin the Russian Prime Minister isn't afraid to mix with the public. Mr Putin 58, joined in during a 40 minute session with two teenage ice hockey teams.
"I thought this sport was not for me but now I like it a lot. It is very dynamic, though a very energy-consuming sport, and from my point of view, it is less traumatic than football," Putin told reporters.
In the past he as also driven a Formula 1 racing car, swam across a Siberian river and flown fighter jets. (David cameron flying fighter jets - Er, no way. To be fair though he did used to cycle to work in London's rush hour traffic, it's hard to say which is the most dangerous really)
I don't think I'm being unfair when I say that historically leisure was predominantly a male pursuit. Traditionally, women from an extremely early age were conditioned to look after and even be subservient to their menfolk.
This process continued for about 200,000 years, and everybody was happy, well the guys certainly were, in any case. Then during the mid eighties, the Spice Girls started cavorting around our TV screens and singing things like "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want."
Woah, just hold on a minute, what YOU want? Just keep concentrating on what we want, please. Tea on the table, kids bathed and put to bed, sandwiches done for tomorrow, a clean shirt ...
Okay, I'm exaggerating (a little), but although the women's movement had been going since the late 18th century, something did change during the mid 1980's and it changed for ever.
I think for a while it was fashionable for girls to be more ladish than men, but presently things seem to have settled down a little. I'm not saying it's going to stay that way, maybe the girls are just catching their breath before their next thrust for female supremacy, but for now, I think a ceasefire has broken out between the sexes.
The changing face of the traditional pub:
Bars and pubs have changed tremendously over the last 30 years. In fairness, they needed to change, for century's they were considered a male domain and to be honest they weren't very pleasant places.
We probably hit a happy medium about ten years ago. Pubs started to become more appealing to both sexes and the dark days of men only pubs, and men only games rooms were banished forever.
Unfortunately, like most good things, these happy days came to an end. In an effort, to win back customers after the smoking ban of 2007 British pub and restaurant owners committed the cardinal sin of hostelry ... They let people in with their children.
To be continued ...
# “I’ve not been single for long. I’d make a terrible girl/boyfriend at the moment.”
She means: I am trying to let you down gently. Please don’t make it any harder. (Jump straight back in the saddle YL...well, so to speak anyway, that's the best cure for heartbreak)
He means: I’m not desperate enough yet to go out with you. (can we alter that bit?) Maybe in a few months, once I’ve exhausted all other avenues. Meanwhile, would you like to have sex with me?
9. “OK, this is my bus. You going the same way?”
She means: Please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight, please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight, please don’t think I’m a slapper if we have sex tonight - repeat to fade.
He means: I would like to have sex with you. Within the next hour, if at all possible. (well the bus journey's about an hour and twenty minutes, so this should be fun)
10. “OK, this is my bus. Really nice meeting you, I’ll be in touch.”
She means: I’m not sure if I fancy you, but I’ll hedge my bets (a woman hedging her bets, never) by being slightly mysterious. If you text me on the way home, I may appreciate the gesture. But if you ring me up on the way home, I will take out a restraining order against you.
He means: Never contact me again. (never say never YL)
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 9TH/MAY/11
The conclusion of Yahoo Lifestyle's "He Says/She Says" article
That took longer than I thought, now where were we? Oh yeah...
# “My ex…”
She means: I am not over my ex boyfriend, and I have more baggage issues than Paris Hilton in Terminal 5. (I didn't know she was in that, was she the one that Arnie shot dead?...never mind, go on) My ex is going to be a regular topic of conversation, (I'm not yawning YL) so get used to it.
He means: Oh yeah, that bitch who still owes me for two holidays in Greece and more posh dinners than you’ve had cups of tea. (Listen YL us modern men are not bitter or tight-fisted for that matter, what you want ANOTHER champagne cocktail? for f*** sake, do you think I'm made of money, nothing YL... another drink for the lady waiter...yes mate another snakebite in a champagne flute, sorted)
# “Have you got any housemates?”
She means: Are you still doing the houseshare thing or do you own your own place? Please say you own your own place. Please. If you turn out to be another manchild I think I will cry. (I do have my own place YL, well sort of, mum actually owns it - here YL use my tissue, of course it's clean, mum always makes sure I've got clean tissues on me, please stop sobbing YL, I'm sure you and mum will get on famously)
He means: Will there be some scruffy bloke in your kitchen if I come back for coffee and sex? (now you're confusing me YL, you said before that coffee MEANT sex, so what is coffee and sex? you're not kinky are you YL?)
Not so fast, it's never that easy ...
It's been a good day but your lower jaw aches slightly from all that smiling. You think you're out of the woods at last when some relative starts oozing on about what a fabulous day it's been and suggests that everyone should do it all again in the VERY near future, perhaps even next week!
Get your excuses ready and remember, say nothing about your day out to your own family because guess what?
If you do, you'll be forced into going to visit them as well, either that or endure a month of them sulking.
"You're always going out with her family but never with ours. No, don't worry about me, I'm only your mother that's all, the woman that gave birth to you, why should I matter?"
Families, who'd have 'em?
Have a great weekend.
Family occasions continued:
However, these occasions are always better than anticipated, and If you've not seen your partner's family for a while then it's a chance to have a chat about what you've all been doing since you last met.
There's something about small talk though, it should come with a time limit. That would be great, a siren could sound after say 30 minutes, OKAY, after 2 hours and that would be it. We could then all say our goodbyes, get in our cars and go home.
M - I promise, I will not keep looking at my watch, and I do solemnly declare that I will not be the first to suggest that it's time to leave.
W - Promise me?
M - I just have. How long did you say we'll have to stay there again?
Aunt Ethel's party goes with a swing, well sort of and after the obligatory three to four hours stay and at least four or five other couples have already left, it's acceptable to say your goodbyes (allow additional hour) and head home.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 20TH/APR/11
Yahoo Lifestyle have written an article about about how people can say one thing but often mean another, it's called "He Says/She Says" lets take a look at it.
YL states that: 'No-one says what they mean when they’re talking to a member of the opposite sex, especially one they’d like to share breakfast with in the morning.' (okay YL, I'll pick you up early and then we'll go and share a big Mac...what?)
For example, every English-speaking person alive knows that “would you like to come up for some coffee?” does not mean “would you like to come up for some coffee?”. (what does it mean then, tea?) It means, roughly, “get your pants off”. (don't be course YL, no I am not blushing)
The language of love is a dark mix of shyness, euphemism and manipulation. (oky YL, just because you went to uni there's no need to show off - euphawhatism?) We all speak it but we don’t always understand it, (you mean like French?) mainly because the two sexes speak different dialects. (Okay, so I've got a northern accent, there's no need to harp on about it, southern softie...nothing YL) Here’s a quick guide to what everyone’s going on about.
# “Let’s sit over there, it’s less noisy.”
She means: Let’s sit over there, where the light is far more flattering to my skin. (Can I go for that one as well YL? - no, okay)
He means: Let’s sit over there, where fewer passers-by will see me trying to touch your thigh. (oh, was that your thigh, sorry, I thought it was mine) By the way, would you like to have sex with me? (You've got such a low oppinion of us guys YL, no, don't bother apologising, the damage is already done)
# “You’re quite different from how I expected.”
She means: Oh, God. You sounded so sexy in your emails.(hey, thanks babe) But now that I’ve seen you in person, I am filled with horror at the thought of looking at you across the table for four whole hours until the pub shuts. (we could always go somewhere else where the light is more flattering to my skin YL? - No way, I'm not going down the coal mine, not at this time of night) Please let me go home now and save us both a wasted evening.
He means: Hello there. (hey) I don’t fancy you, which is unusual for me. But I’m up for a shag (a what? - you uni people don't half know how to lower the tone YL) as long as you promise never to contact me again. (what do you mean you've never heard of that area code?)
# “Can I buy you a drink?”
She means: Can you buy me a drink, please? Champagne cocktail (er, do you think us guys are made of money YL, you'll have half a Stella and be grateful for it) would be fine. I’m nipping off to the loo now, and I expect my drink to be on the table when I get back, mm’kay? (mm'kay, you just made that up YL, mm'kay who the hell says that? - oh pardon madamoiselle, c'est Francais, bien sur)
He means: I am a big strong sexy successful man (hey) with the financial means to fund this evening and many more. (Champagne cocktail it is then, pah, of course it's not too expensive... psst, waiter, where's the nearest cash point? - thanks mate)
Just nipping out to get some more cash, it's a sign of the times when £20 isn't enough to buy a woman a posh meal, high maintenance women, who'd have 'em?
To be continued...
You've both had a tough week at work; the weekly-food shop still needs doing, you're in the middle of decorating the house (and have been for the last ten weeks) What do you need more than anything else?
W - "You've forgotten haven't you? Don't give me that puzzled look, I've been going on about it for weeks, it's Aunt Ethel's birthday party this Sunday, and the whole family are going and that includes us."
M - "You are kidding me surely that's not this weekend?"
So that is it then it's aunt Ethel's birthday party and you are going to be there. Let's try to stay positive about it, however. Let's face it, what else would you be doing this Sunday, in any case? - Going for a lovely meal out and having a few pints down the pub but where would you rather be?
ANYWHERE BUT AT AUNT ETHEL'S 130TH BLOODY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!
To be continued...
'That invitation' continued:
Hmm, What about this little number, oh god no, the neckline's way too low, she's going to think I'm a real tart. This one's too mummsy, what the hell possessed me to buy it in the first place? Oh yeah, It was to meet my last boyfriend John's parents, and look how that relationship turned out!
There's nothing else for it, I'm going to have to buy something new, yep a trip to the shops is most definitely in order...
When we start dating our partner we don't realise the commitment we are making, not to them personally but to their families. Oh, in the first flush of a relationship all that mundane family stuff seems like a million miles away but ...
It's waiting for you (well, they're waiting for you to be more precise) just around the corner!
Two Christmases in and your 'family smile' will be wearing thin. If you make it past five Christmases, you'll be suicidal.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 18TH/APR/11
# US restaurant chain Applebee's has been forced to apologise after a toddler was served margarita mix in his beaker instead of apple juice.
Fifteen-month-old Dominic Dill-Reese was found to have enough alcohol in his blood to be over the adult drink-drive limit when he was rushed to hospital in Michigan, but thankfully escaped serious harm.
The toddler was served margarita mix instead of apple juice.His mother, Taylor, had noticed the toddler had been acting strangely, but didn't realise the cause until she took a sip of what she thought was apple juice before leaving the restaurant in Madison Heights.
'He was saying hi and bye to the walls. (I know that feeling) He eventually laid his head down on the table and we thought maybe he was just sleepy,' she explained.
Applebee's has since released a statement saying it has changed its policy for serving apple juice, which will now be given in single-serve containers. Staff members are also undergoing retraining. (baby, adult, baby, adult...I'm sure they'll get the hang of it)
# Fashion student Lisa Dillon from Bath Spa University has designed and made a pair of 'Cheese' high-heeled shoes using West Country cheddar. (I kid you not)
The budding fashionista from the Department of Fashion, Textile and 3D Design crafted the high heels from cheese and bread. (Girls please, I know you love shoes but this is ridiculous, next it will be cushions made out of pasta...I'm only kidding put that fusilli down right this minute)
A block of cheddar was sculpted to make the heel and a stale cheese sandwich (nice) was used for part of the platform sole.
The front of the shoe was moulded from more cheddar and extra cheese was melted and shaped to embellish the design. (They look quite trendy actually - they're a bit whiffy though. Pardon Lisa, that's not the shoes, it's your feet. Oh lovely, no honestly, I really don't want a nibble)
A range of 'cheese couture' footwear by students from Bath Spa University will be displayed at the 2011 Royal Bath & West Show to promote the region's cheese.
# In life, Pall Arason sought attention. In death, he is getting it: The 95-year-old Icelander's pickled penis (urgh) will be the main attraction in one of his country's most bizarre museums. (I'm sure they'll be queueing round the block for this one)
Sigurdur Hjartarson, who runs the Phallological Museum in the tiny Icelandic fishing town of Husavik, said Arason's organ will help round out the unusual institution's extensive collection of phalluses from whales, seals, bears and other mammals.
Sigurdur, I think you need to get out more but then again with a hobby like yours maybe it's best if you dont!
They say, you can choose your friends but not your family. Unfortunately, the same principle applies to your partner's family. In fairness, I guess it's not most people's priority to check out their new partner's relatives in the early stages of the relationship.
IT SHOULD BE!
In fact, the government should devise a dating equivalent to the 'home information pack' that potential new partners could take with them on their first date.
Perhaps not - population levels would probably fall alarmingly, and within a couple of generations, we could even become an endangered species.
"My dad doesn't look too bad in his string vest, and mum's not scowling, well I don't think she is anyway..."
'That invitation' :
I suppose you know that the relationship's moved on to the 'next level' when you get invited round to meet the parents...
If we can just put the lovey-dovey new relationship on hold for a moment, "Please, put him down, I KNOW he's wonderful, the best thing since sliced bread, but I want to talk to you for just a second. Yes, 'fluffy monkey' can listen too. Have you met his mother yet, by the way? ... No reason, I just wondered."
Your partner reassures you that you have nothing to worry about by constantly saying things like; "Oh, don't worry, you will love mum, she's easygoing, I'm sure you'll get on famously."
The dress code for 'first time meeting new partner's parents' is more difficult for the girl than the guy. A man can't go far wrong with smart casual, besides which, no-one cares what the guy wears but the girl ...
To be continued...
Have a great weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 15TH/APR/11
Inflation has dropped in the UK for the first time in eight months as the CPI fell from 4.4 to 4% in March. The drop is now likely to see interest rates remain at their all time low until at least August.
# Canada's embattled Prime Minister has clashed with three opposition leaders in the first of two televised debates, ahead of the 2nd of May election.
As in most political elections there appears to be a lot of mud-slinging from all sides but polls suggest that the Conservatives are likely to be re-elected.
# Space exploration remains a priority for Russia, President Dmitry Medvedev has said, as the country marks the 50th anniversary of the first human space flight by cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin.
Before Gagarin's historic flight it was feared that humans could not survive beyond the Earth's atmosphere.
# Chinese airlines have placed orders worth $1.4bn (£861m) with Brazilian aircraft manufacturer Embraer. The deal includes firm orders for 20 planes and an option to buy 15 additional aircraft.
China's economic success has seen a surge in demand for air travel within the country.