Here are my latest blog posts, I hope you enjoy them.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 8TH/DEC/10
Hundreds of drivers have been stranded overnight as what is described as the "worst snow and ice conditions since the 1960's" continues to grip Britain.
Temperatures have plummeted to as low as -18C and abandoned cars are creating further problems as police struggle to get roads moving again.
At least nine peolple have died so far in the big freeze.
Voucher code website 'Save.co.uk' carried out an interesting experiment last month. They sent a man off to London for four hours, with a wallet full of cash, and wearing a sandwich board which said in large letters: "Ask me for £5 and it's yours".
During the course of the four hours 2,719 people walked past him and only 16 asked for the cash. Proving Save.co.uk's point that we really do believe it is impossible to get something for nothing in today's society, when in reality a quick re-hash of our personal finances can often save us a small fortune.
A point well made, and for less than £100.
Finally, it was a bad day at the office for the BBC yesterday, not only did they telephone and conduct an interview with a Manchester buider believing him to be a cabinet minister, but TWO of their senior presenters both made the same mispronunciation of culture secretary Jeremy Hunt's name with embarrassing consequences.
Personally, I've always thought that Jeremy was quite a nice guy.
Don't stop till you get enough:
Research suggests that the reason women live longer than men is because they like shopping, and especially shopping for clothes. The activity is apparently far healthier for you than typical male pursuits such as following sports on TV.
By its very nature shopping encourages exercise and moreover the act of buying an item for oneself produces a hormone called dopamine which activates key areas of the brain which in turn help to boost our mood.
W - "Honey, let me just show you, what I bought today, I've been looking for something like this for ages."
M - "Yeah, yeah, In a moment. YOU STUPID IDIOT! Not you honey, oh for God's sake, are you B-L-I-N-D referee. I just do not believe it. Of all the crap decisions, I have ever seen in my entire life that one JUST TAKES THE B-I-S-C-U-I-T, AAARRGHH!
W - "Just calm down, for goodness sake, you're going to give yourself a heart attack."
W - "Reach for the stars, yeah, yeah, yeah, I said reach for the stars."
W - "Cheer up love it's only a game, besides you know your team always gets beat, so I don't see what the problem is."
W - "Honey, honey. Are you okay? ...
To be continued ...
The sun always shines on TV:
In fairness, the media have a lot to answer for, they are constantly bombarding us with images of super fit and super skinny men and women dressed in impeccable clothes.
Well I say impeccable, these days it seems to be all the rage to show as much underwear as possible. It's not for me though, there's no way I'd feel comfortable wearing my jeans half way down my backside, besides which it probably wouldn't have the same impact seeing as I prefer wearing M and S home brand undies, as opposed to Calvin Klein.
These boots are made for walking:
In these difficult economic times, it's heartening to know that the sale of women's shoes and boots in the U.S. are up this year by as much as 21%. Yep, apparently women's footwear has been championed as one of the few items that are totally recession proof.
The thinking behind this phenomenon is that women regard having quality footwear as an absolute necessity and thus feel far less guilty about buying it.
In fact, this 'feeling far less guilty' trend extends to many other female fashion items (surprise, surprise). Admittedly men waste money on numerous things many of which are far more frivolous than clothes and footwear but I don't think they are intelligent enough to cover their tracks in quite the same way.
W - "I know it was expensive, but it will last me a long time (go on) I mean it's real quality, and it had fifty percent off it in the sale. It was a real bargain, if you look at it another way, you could say I saved us £50.00."
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 6TH/DEC/10
It's Monday morning, I know...stop yawning.
It's not just ANY Monday though, my buddies outside the UK please indulge me for a moment because this is important.
It's Coronation Street 'tram crash' night. Yikes! my nails are already bitten to the quick, half the cast wiped out in one fail swoop!
Am I being TOO optimistic?
Come 8pm tonight I'm convinced we are still going to be left with 'Dreary Deirdrie' 'Boring Ken' and 'claire and Ashley' - half price tickets on sale here guys, can I tempt you?
Turning a tad more serious now, wiki-leaks suggest that the US have mocked the 'special relationship' with the Uk. I don't often give my oppinion on politics on this site but on this occasion I will:
I believe the Uk will always be friends with the US, we have always supported each other and we watch each others backs, we are like brothers in arms, as long as I live and breathe I will support the USA and no-one will ever convince me to do otherwise.
Jealous people will always try to ruin other people's good relationships, the trick is not to let them.
This is way too heavy for a Monday morning but my final word on the US/UK relationship is 'We Love you guys' (In a manly back-slapping kind of way of course) but having said that why did your/our ancestors p*** off and leave us in this freezing, godforsaken country?
You can soon go off someone you know.
You did send us home the McDonald's franchise though... thanks.
W - "I've NO perfume either, I'll have to buy some at the airport. Damn, I've lost another nail, this day just gets better and better."
Most of us operate some sort of household budget and obviously clothes spending forms a part of it. If you analyzed the female to male split on clothes spending, it would probably be not too dissimilar to the difference in budgets between the New York Yankee's and Uncle Billy's Little League Dynamos.
Men receive clothes for Christmas and birthdays and OCCASIONALLY 'splash out' on a few work clothes, and when they do their better halves don't let them forget it.
W - "You spent eighty pounds on work shirts last week, EIGHTY POUNDS! and yet you begrudge me buying a couple of new outfits. You are so tightfisted, it's unbelievable, and you know there's nothing I hate more than tightfisted men."
To be continued ...
Is your partner a fashionista?
Generally speaking, men and women view fashion rather differently. The 'season' changes and all the girls must go out and buy new clothes, a new wardrobe even. Whereas men just alternate between long and short sleeved shirts.
W - "I've got nothing to wear. This is ridiculous, I've not even got any decent work clothes, let alone anything to take on holiday with me."
M - "But honey, your wardrobe is crammed full of clothes."
W - "You show me, come on right now, just show me one item of clothing I could possibly take on holiday with me."
W - "That's way too heavy for a hot climate, okay that does it, I'll just have to buy a whole new wardrobe, I'll go clothes shopping tomorrow."
Suddenly that short little inexpensive break in the sun doesn't seem so inexpensive any more.
Turning now from hot air to the freezing conditions that are currently gripping the whole of the UK, forecasters say that conditions are going to get worse over the next few days and are advising us not to travel unless it's absolutely necessary.
That's it then, public holiday declared until spring 2011, great idea, with the National debt standing at £4.8 trillion a couple more billion can't do any harm, surely.
If we ask him nicely Bob might even write us a song, in fact on second thoughts, just you try stopping him.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 1ST/DEC/10
Bob Gelfof has admitted he feels responsible for two of the worst songs of all time.
'Do They Know it's Christmas?' and 'We are the World' In other words the Band Aid songs. He goes on to tell us how he hates hearing them at Christmas time (I thought that was the whole point) before finally reminding us AGAIN that he WAS the one who wrote them, we know Bob, we know.
I used to have a friend that was always denying how good he was at things only to be continually reasured by others that contrary to his own 'beliefs' he WAS good at them.
They are great songs Bob and so are you, stop being so humble all the time it doesn't become you.
Not another diet continued:
The problem with diets is that they make you focus on NOT eating instead of on becoming healthier, and unfortunately, the more you think about not doing something the more you'll want to do it.
Overeating is an extremely difficult habit to kick, because unlike other addictions such as alcohol, drugs and gambling you need to eat in order to survive. I'm sure alcoholism would be virtually impossible to cure if it was vital that the patient consumed just a small amount of alcohol each day.
Therefor, rather than reducing your overall food intake it is much more effective to eliminate specific food types altogether.
Keep a food diary of everything you eat and drink for one week and then go to work on your findings. Cut out some of the calorific items, one at a time if necessary, you'll be amazed at how quickly your taste buds adapt.
Shop better; low-fat items are so tasty these days that it's virtually impossible to tell the difference between them and their full-fat equivalents.
Eat small portions often; Eating a main meal is all well and good, but you'll consume a large amount of calories only to feel hungry again within a couple of hours.
Get rid of the bathroom scales; Constant monitoring of your weight will only serve to depress you, besides which our bodyweights fluctuate naturally due to a variety of reasons. Your clothes are the best guideline to your ideal weight. If they start becoming too tight for you, you know it's time to address the situation.
It's either that or the washing machine's gone on the blink and started shrinking all your clothes.
M - "Honey, you must have washed these jeans at the wrong temperature, I can hardly S-Q-U-E-E-E-E-Z-E myself into them."
To be continued ...
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 29TH/NOV/10
Don't you just love Monday mornings!
Well to get us back in the swing of the working week 'Yahoo Finance' has come up with 'Six ways to impress your boss' so here goes.
1. Ask what needs to be done: Yeah, no problem with that, bosses just love people who help them to impliment THEIR ideas.
2. Demonstrate your value.
3. Be a team player: The most motivational person I've ever worked for used to use the expression "Kick one of us and we all limp." I always liked that sentiment.
4. Brief your boss: YF suggests 'a brief e-mail summing up your day-to-day accomplishments.' I'd be careful with this one, no-one likes a creep, I prefer No 1 because bosses are mainly interested in what YOU can do for THEM.
5. Network like you're unemployed: YF suggests that you should 'reach out to colleagues in other departments and request their feedback on how you can help them be more effective.' - Get real.
"Excuse me John, (seeing as you and your department are such a bunch of morons - cue cheesy grin - and I am so wonderful) can you think of any areas where I can help you and your department become more effective?
I'll give that one a whirl today...I can sense that salary increase already...back of the net!
6. Be heard and seen: Yep, doing the right things of course. (honking all over your bosses shoes at the Christmas party will get you 'heard AND seen' - Promoted, I'm not so sure)
Well, I'm all revved-up and raring to go now, thanks YF.
Take heed, confession is good for your soul but bad for your career and if at first you don't succeed, re-define success.
Keep smiling, but NO cheesy grins.
Not another diet:
Okay, you've slobbed out over the weekend, eaten too much, drank too much and exercised too little. Yeah, I know you walked to the pub and then on to the takeaway, but it's hardly the same as running a half-marathon now is it?
But to your credit you decide a new week means a new diet, and to gear up for it head off down the supermarket on a Sunday afternoon to do a super-healthy food shop.
You stuff your trolley with all things green and low-fat before taking out a re mortgage to settle the bill at the checkout. This healthy-diet malarky does not come cheap, but you reassure yourself that it will all be worthwhile once you've achieved that new super-slim wasteline.
A word of warning though, it's all well and good eating healthy food, but it's meant to be instead of, not as well as your existing food intake, just thought I'd mention it.
W - "There you go honey, don't you just love eating healthily?"
M - "A bowl of broccoli and mange-tout? Do I have to do this diet as well?"
W - You want to support me in this, don't you? Besides which, If I'm going to look all gorgeous and slim on our holiday, I don't want you turning up looking like a beached whale."
M - "Thanks - I must have a beer to wash this down with though. What there's no beer, Just sparkling water? I think I would rather stay fat!"
If you decide to take on a more specialised diet, things can become a lot more complicated. The dieting company 'WeightWatchers' advocate 'green' and 'red' days whilst allocating point scores to every meal.
Moreover, you can join a dieting club where you can mingle with other fatties and pay for the privilege of being congratulated on losing a pound in weight.
As the great, if slightly portly, British comedian Peter Kay says on the subject of minor weight losses: "Who cares about losing a pound? I can s*** a pound."
No, if you are serious about losing weight sack the diets and look at making subtle lifestyle changes instead ...
To be continued ...
£3 for headphones 'that I can keep' you're having a laugh. I'll hone up on my lip-reading skills thank you very much.
Most commonly asked question: "Where are the safest seats on the plane?"
"Hello again family from hell. Listen, if this thing falls out of the sky I think we'll all be done for, don't you? - and can you tell your Wayne to stop banging on the back of my seat, it's becomming a tiny bit annoying..."
Yahoo's findigs: "There are no safest seats. Everything is designed for the plane NOT to crash, (feeling calmer still) so IF it happens, (not QUITE as calm) no one could have predicted how it was going to GO DOWN!" (Hail Mary full of grace, our Lord is with thee...)
No Wayne, you CAN'T have my blueberry muffin...Wayne, get off it, WAYNE, give it me back to me NOW!...
Have a great weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 26TH/NOV/10
Yahoo Travel asked a selection of pilots, cabin crew and ground staff from around the UK this week to reveal their air travel secrets.
Wear a suit and you might get an upgrade.
Apparantly staff are instructed to assess potential 'upgrade candidates' on wether they will "blend in with those who have actually paid for their upgrade."
So, if you are the family from HELL, come on you know who you are...dad already dressed for the beach, beer belly hanging over his incredibly over-stretched three quarters, mum talking ten-to-the-dozen and constanly telling the kids off who just happen to have names such as 'Britney' and 'Wayne', then I'm afraid you're destined to always fly economy...life sucks. One thing though, PLEASE don't come sitting next to me...AGAIN!
There are always two qualified pilots in the cockpit at any one time.
Nice one, I'm feeling calmer already.
Are your kids bankrupting you?
Kids - don't you just love 'em? ... I SAID, kids - don't you just love 'em? - That's better. Obviously, most people do love their kids, and moreover they are proud of them.
W - "Let's play some videos of the kids when they were young this evening."
M - "Aw honey, the football's just about to start and it's a really big game."
Women tend to get their own way most of the time, but where the kids are concerned it's no contest ...
W - "Just look at them there. Ooh, Jacob nearly fell then, look at his little smile."
M - "Yeah, he looks so cute, can I just check the score?"
W - "Look at John's little trousers, he loved that teddy, and that car, he spent hours driving around in that thing. There's Mr Whoofer, I'd forgotten all about him ..."
However, little kids soon become big kids and the cost seems to grow proportionally. Nowadays the brand name is king. Unbranded trainer costs £20 branded trainer costs £90! How does that work?
It's the same with household items like breakfast cereal, for instance. The branded item is invariably at least twice as expensive as the supermarket's own label, even though it is made of the same stuff by the same company!
Try keeping the old branded box and tipping the new unbranded cereal into it, just see if they notice the difference!
Are you turning into your parents?
Do you ever say something and then think, that sounded just like my mother or father? It's scary, isn't it?
M - "When I was a lad, all we used to get for Christmas was an apple an orange and perhaps one small wooden toy. Kids today, they don't know they're born."
Yes dad, yawn, yawn ...
I remember being sent to my room for being naughty when I was a child. These days sending kids to their rooms is equivalent to giving them a free pass to Euro Disney!
Like I said, scary ...
To be continued ...
Have a great weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 24TH/NOV/10
Bitterly cold temperatures are forecast to descend on Britain later this week with snow predicted to fall as far south as East Anglia.
My car is about as useful as a 'chocolate fireguard' in the snow, so I'll look forward to that.
A student has been banned from six of London's top post codes in an effort to keep him out of the capital's most exclusive restaurants after he carried out a series of 'eat-and-run' thefts.
Janis Nords, a Latvian national, admitted leaving more than £5,800 in unpaid bills at a number of restaurants where he had treated his "high maintenance" girlfriend to luxurious food and fine wines.
Nice try Janis, but I think you are bang out of order acusing women of being "high maintenance", perish the thought. Wait 'till she moves in (with more cushions and fluffy dressing gowns than you can shake a stick at) then you'll know about it.
Anyway, scientists have discovered a food substance that lowers a woman's sex drive by up to 90% :-
Have a nice day.
W - "Hi honey, did you remember to do the lottery?"
M - "Yeah, I did, and I chose our usual numbers. Your birthday, my birthday, the kids' birthdays, our anniversary and our house number. Plus I got four lucky dips and twenty five scratch cards."
W - "What you spent thirty pounds on scratch cards and the lottery?"
M - "Well seeing as we won a tenner last week I thought we could be on a roll."
Come eight o'clock on a Saturday evening 13,999,999 of us are left wondering of what might have been yet again and take solace in entering the 'X factor' phone-in competition.
To win £10,000, a trip to California, PLUS a copy of Simon Cowell's autobiography answer the following question. (Calls cost £3.50 from a BT landline but calls from mobiles may cost considerably more)
What is the name of the former 'X Factor' judge and 'Girls Aloud' singer?
A) Cheryl Dole
B) Cheryl Mole
C) Cheryl Cole
M - "Honey, Honey, pass me the phone quickly, I know this one, this is so easy, start packing the suitcases, It's Cheryl Mole of course!"
To be continued ...
Has winning the lottery become an obsession?
Most people who do the lottery think they have at least a small chance of winning the jackpot and they are right, they do have a small chance of winning it, a 14 million to one chance to be exact.
To put these odds into perspective, you are 1,200 times more likely to die from a snake bite (the long slithery thing with fangs, not the drink) or a bee sting, than you are of winning the lottery.
These odds become even scarier when you consider that one in three people think that winning the lottery is their only chance of attaining financial security.
Even though, most of us know we are wasting our money, it does not stop us from playing it, and in fairness, the thrill in itself is worthy of a little flutter.
HOWEVER, I caught it again on SKY a couple of weeks ago and LOVED it. Strange. What I liked about it was it's attempt to create a futuristic world back in the 1970's and I thought that in retrospect the film's makers did an amazing job.
Can't be bothered reading the article now so Instead I'll just chat with you guys. It's Monday morning I know but it's still going to be a great day.
"It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind..." There's a song in there somewhere!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 22ND/NOV/10
Tried to que up the Yahoo article 'What Bill Gates earns in a day' but all that came up was an ad for Microsoft...
"Ever thought of going into politics Bill? On second thoughts forget I just said that."
Worry not, I am now on to 'films that have disapointed'. I can think of a few, the most notable of which was 'Rollerball' which I went to see with my mates when I was about 14, I found it a massive disapointment.
Unfortunately, all good things come to an end, and eventually you must return home to the cold weather and the pre-Christmas frenzy.
Although the media keeps trying to talk us back into recession, well at least when there's nothing else worth reporting anyway, you wouldn't know it by the amount of people shopping on the high street, talk about more room to move inside a sardine can.
The traffic queue for the Trafford Centre is 98 miles long, but I wouldn't bother if I were you, because there's nowhere to park when you get there.
Shop on line instead, that's if your not of a nervous disposition, and can stand the suspense of wondering whether or not your order will arrive in time. Oh, that's the doorbell, it's bound to be my bunny's prezzy (well one of them anyway!) arriving just in the nick of time, excuse me a second.
"Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen, when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, LA-LA-LA ..."
Are we living from one 'special' day to another?
Retailers long since realised that we always spend the most when we feel under pressure to do so. As well as extending the Christmas run-up into oblivion, they've also managed to bombard us with innumerable other special occasions.
"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ... and you thought I'd forgotten. Shucks, never."
Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, Teacher's Day, Pet's Day, Neighbour's Day. Okay that one never caught on, but you get my drift.
Just when you thought it wasn't possible to cram any more 'special' days into the calendar, some bright spark came up with the idea of importing all America's 'special' days, as well.
Yeah, thanks America, haloween, trick or treat, whatever you want to call it, is just a hoot, and as for the school prom, that never existed in my day.
M - "I really need to tell you this, all through high school I've fancied you, but I've never been able to pluck up the courage to tell you until now. Seeing as we're both leaving next week, I'd like to ask you out on a special date."
W - "No thanks."
M - "Okay, bye then."
Life was much simpler back then.
Go and buy it in the morning, when you don't have to queue. It's Friday night, the weekend, have a few beers, catch a movie. (NOT a Harry Potter one mind!) Anything but standing in the rain dressed up as one of the HP characters, Unreal, money for old rope, nice one JK.
Each to his own I suppose, I can live with that, I guess HP fans are just normal people, regular guys, it's no big deal.
HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT, HAAATE ITTT!!!!!!
I feel better now, I'm calm, I'm relaxed.
Have a super day.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 19TH/NOV/10
Apparantly, a graveyard in Israel is being besieged by Harry Potter fans, after it was revealed a tombstone bears the same name as the teen wizard.
Come on - what is all this Harry Potter malarky anyway. OK, I can understand children getting all excited about some nerdy kid that posesses 'magic powers' but adults? - Give me a break.
You guys must've had weird childhoods, that's all I can say.
HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!!
People queueing up (my brother-in-law included - sad man) at midnight because they can't wait to get their hands on JK Rowling's latest chapter in the HP saga.
Is the run-up to Christmas starting earlier every year?
Okay, I've worked in retailing, so I know how valuable Christmas trading is for the industry, but come on, stores putting Christmas cards out in August, Please!
In fairness, it's not just the stores that are obsessed with Christmas, we all are, well maybe the girls are just a teeny-weeny bit more obsessed with it than the guys?
W - "What do you think we should do for Christmas this year?"
M - "Please, honey, we're still in July, we've not even been on our summer holiday yet!"
W - "I suppose we'll have to invite your parents over again for Christmas Day, or we could go and visit them on Christmas Eve instead, or maybe even invite them for Boxing Day. But then again, if my mother decides to do something on Boxing Day, that would rule that one out. Maybe my sis will do Christmas Day this year, and she might invite your parents as well, but I suppose that would make things a bit too crowded. I'm not sure what the boys are doing, and as for their girlfriends, that's anyone's guess ... What do you think?
M - "Yeah, I'll go along with that."
W -"Go along with what? - Oh, you just don't care, do you? I suppose, I'll end up working my fingers to the bone again, as per usual, I'd better start writing a list."
Complaining about other people talking about Christmas also becomes contagious, and before you know it, it's everywhere; on the radio, in the newspapers, on the TV.
"Only 148 days left to Christmas, buy now whilst stocks last."
But every year's the same, we all say that we're going to be sensible this time round. We all agree to buy our partners just one small token gift, and limit the amount we spend on other people.
However, don't be fooled guys, when a woman says she will be happy with 'one small token gift' what she actually means is that she will settle for NOTHING LESS than PLENTY OF BIG LAVISH GIFTS, yeah I know it doesn't make sense, but there you go.
Furthermore, don't buy her something practical, like a set of saucepans (unless you fancy being hit in the face with one of them) or a book on gardening, always go for something romantic, and if you want to dampen down the pre Christmas hysteria delay that 'summer' holiday for as long as possible.
Women are fantastic planners, and although a late holiday in the sun will not totally distract them from the run up to Christmas it will certainly give them something else to think about.
I could get used to my Stella being served by the pool, even if it does come with an umbrella and a slice of lemon in it.
Nadine Coyle, former 'Girls Aloud' singer is currently scratching her head and wondering where it all went wrong. Her debut single and album both entitled 'Insatiable' are both wallowing in the late 40's in their respective charts.
I'm no music expert, but I guess that signing to 'Tesco' records, (yes 'Tesco' the supermarket people) and being quoted as saying that; 'she wrote most of the album whilst sitting on the toilet' may've had something to do with it! Sounds more like 'Impotent' than 'Insatiable' to me.
Anyway, never mind all that.
...Wills-Kate, Wills-Kate, Wills-Kate...
I've come over all lovey-dovey.
RETRO POST ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 17TH/NOV/10
Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement yesterday, good luck to them. Maybe this will give the UK's media something positive to talk about for a change. But be warned; by the time the couple, actually, do tie the knot you will probably be just a teeny-weeny bit weary of hearing the names William and Kate.
Personally I'd tolerate that if it stops the press from focusing on the 'possibility' or even the 'probability' or further still the 'INEVITABILITY' of a 'Double-Dip' recession.
Men's haircuts versus women's hairdos continued:
Wouldn't it be funny if men sought the same reaction as women when they'd just had their hair done?
W - "Well do you NOT like my hair then?"
M - "Yeah, course I do. How much have you had taken off?
W. - "Well, I told Rachel to remove about a micro-millimetre, it's not too short is it?
M. - "No, it looks great."
W. - "And look, (bends her head forward for dramatic effect), look at my roots, all gone."
She will then proceed to check repeatedly on her new hairdo (in any reflective surface, not just mirrors). The casual observer will recognize this ritual is taking place when the female starts to shake her hair to and fro, she will then flutter her eyelashes before finally pouting provocatively. Do not be alarmed because this process will cease within approximately three hours or even sooner if her favourite soap opera comes on TV.
Everything is hunky dory on the hairstyle front until the dreaded day dawns ... A woman's regular hair stylist is away on holiday or worse still she has the audacity to take time off ill.
W - "You'll never believe it Rachel's off on holiday AGAIN. I bet they give me the trainee, well I'll go mad if she makes a mess of it."
The fateful day arrives ...
W2 - "Hi love, how are you? Hope you don't mind, Rachel's on holiday this week, yeah I know, Teneriffe this time, Natalie's here though. Natalie, I said scissors NOT tweezers. What are they like? Coffee no sugar hun?"
A word of warning for the boys. If you are aware that your partner has had her hair done by anyone other than her regular stylist, make yourself scarce.
She will put the aforementioned 'hair-shaking, eyelash-fluttering, mouth-pouting ritual' into overdrive. However, this time she will more than likely start exhibiting an additional feature, the incessant side-to-side head tilt. I have ascertained from my research that this is to check that the trainee stylist has cut both sides evenly.
The likelihood is she will not be over enamoured with the replacement stylist's efforts and seeing as it would be totally unthinkable for her to fall out with her hairdresser about it the most likely target for her annoyance will be, yes you've guessed it, YOU.
Oh, another piece of advice, now would not be an appropriate time to start quibbling about the cost ...
M - "What £68.00? SIXTY EIGHT P-O-U-N-D-S? Are you kidding me? You're not, are you? Darling put that down, honey, do not throw ..."
To be continued ...
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 12TH/NOV/10
Yahoo Personals (YP) revealed this week the best pick-up moves that work on men.
Top tips include smiling, hair flicking, (your own not his) accidental contact, (I'd better watch out for that one down at Tesco's) and 'double take eye contact' with 'a cute surpressed smile' (sounds like she's in pain) for maximum impact...hmm.
YP also suggests whispering in his ear (but loud enough so he doesn't have to ask you to repeat it - something about not spoiling the moment?). Apparantly it doesn't matter what you whisper as long as it includes his name, it's more about your breath tickling his earlobe.
This is good stuff, the next time Mandy leans over and whispers something in my ear (especially if it's delivered in a husky, puff-blowing fashion), I'll know that more than likely she has designs on spending all my hard earned cash down the Trafford Centre. See guys, you've got to keep one step ahead of 'em in this game!
Finally, YP recommends winking at handsome strangers that you spot at the bar. SORRY, I am NOT having that one, NO WAY, that just does not happen, no-one winks at strangers.
But hey, if you do fancy giving it a go make sure you practice at home first, afterall you want it to come accross as sexy and flirtatious, and not like you've developed a bit of a twitch.
"Did she just wink at me then or did she just flinch? There she goes again, it must be a nervous tick, come on mate drink up we're leaving."
That's enough frivolity for one day, I'm going.
M. "A standard trim will be fine thanks."
W. "Are you sure, I'm feeling creative?"
M. "Yeah, I'm sure, thanks all the same."
W. "How about extensions?"
Well the experiment was worth a try, but you can't beat your good old barber. A chat about the footy, same old trusted haircut you've had for the last twenty years, mirror at the back of the head, and it's job done in less than fifteen minutes.
Women, however, view hairdos decidedly differently. Pick up any women's magazine (metaphorically speaking of course) and you'll see at least half a dozen features about hair:
'Check out this week's fab celebrity hairstyles'.
'Hairdos and hairdont's'.
'Does your hairstyle suit your face shape?'.
WT - I'd never thought of that, I must look in the mirror immediately. (sucks cheeks in, puffs cheeks out, smiles, musses hair, shakes head, bares teeth) Hmm, probably not, that does it, it's time for a change, I wonder how violet dipped with pink would look? - Well, if it's good enough for Rhianna ...
To be continued ...
Men's haircuts versus women's hairdos
Legislation should be passed outlawing unisex hair salons. Only men should be allowed to cut men's hair and only women should be allowed to cut women's. In fairness, women probably observe this 'law' already, but the guys are far more gullible.
W. "Would you like a shampoo and rinse before I cut your hair sir?"
M. "No thanks, just a regular haircut, will be fine."
W. "Are you sure sir, it's included in the price?."
M. "Okay, go on then."
After the shampoo and rinse, the hairdresser will give you a free (sorry, a complimentary, all inclusive in the price) appraisal of your hair's condition. A guy's some total interest in 'hairdressing' is to come out of the shop with shorter hair than when he went in. Of course, girls don't subscribe to this theory, oh no.
W. "Hmm, let's see (Musses guy's hair - a la Stan Laurel) I could really do something with this hair, how about highlights? They would hide that tinge of grey and give you a whole new look."
Robert Ellsworth, former US ambassador to Nato and an ex-deputy secretary of defence said: "It's spectacular...It takes people's breath away."
"Well put Robert, but was it a threat to to US national security?"
"Er, not sure, Andy, but it sure looked pretty." (My words NOT Robert's)
Finally, following a 'Facebook' campaign the new voice of Sat-Nav is UK Shakespearian actor, Brian Blessed, dont think we'll need a volume-up button with Brian, he makes your average 'town crier' sound coy.
Have a nice day.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 11TH/NOV/10
Alex 'The Brand' went out of 'The Apprentice' last night, not before time in my opinion. I think he would have gone last week if it hadn't've been for Paloma's rant in the boardroom.
SuBo has a new album out 'The Gift' liking it, gift for xmas, xmas gift, clever marketing that. Personally, I'm not a fan but it's nice to see true talent overcoming image for a change. Go SuBo!
The unknown missile which was caught on camera by a news helicopter in California on Monday has baffled many people in America. Apparently the experts now think it was an optical illusion?
Seriously though, if someone is tightfisted with their money they are likely to be tightfisted with many other things as well. Things like their attention, affection, support and time.
Before you move in with your 'Mr Bear', it would be wise to ascertain whether he is as 'generous' as he is 'cuddly'.
Is your girl a spendaholic?
At the risk of being sexist, I think it's a fair comment to say most women tend to be more carefree with their money than men.
M - "Darling, I think we should put a break on our spending, just for the next few weeks."
W - "Don't be such a spoilsport, it's only money, and besides you can't take it with you."
M - "Seriously hun, we've spent a fortune recently, let's just be a bit more careful, that's all."
W - "La - la - la - la - laaaaaaaa - I'm NOT listening to you."
Does this sound familiar guys?
To be continued ...
Have a frugal weekend.
Is your man tightfisted? - continued:
Another surefire sign that 'Mr Cuddlybear' is, in fact, a tight arse in disguise is if he is constantly pleading poverty despite earning a decent income. You see, the logic in this is simple but effective. If he can convince you that he doesn't have any money in the first place, you are far less likely to expect him to spend anything on you.
So how do you counteract these 'frugal' tendencies? Well you could reason with him, you could appeal to his better nature, or you could even plead with him, but if all else fails simply blackmail him!
Sorry, I mean convince him that it would be in his best interests to spend a teeny weeny bit more money on you. The quickest and most effective method of achieving this goal is to make him jealous or hurt his pride.
What? - You want results don't you?
Get another man to spend money on you, especially in public. It doesn't matter who the man is, it could be your friend, your father, an uncle, anyone. Men do not like other men spending money on their women, they feel threatened and/or inferior, and they will instinctively want to prove that they are the better provider - simples.
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 10TH/NOV/10
A woman from New Jersey has become an internet sensation after solving a 26 letter 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle with just ONE letter revealed. Apparantly she's going to spend her $53,000 prize money on paying off her student loan and a Chanel handbag...hmm
The line up of this years 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here' gameshow has just been announced. It includes 'Happy Monday's' former frontman Shaun Ryder, who was recently banned from Channel Four for using foul and abusive language live on air, so rock and roll Shaun and so original.
The 'celebrity status' of some of the contestants is already being brought into question. Stacey Solomon, the girl who came 2nd or 3rd in last years ''X' Factor' for one, if you remember she sang like an angel but spoke incessantly with the most irritating voice known to man...keep the remote control handy, you have been warned.
Gail Porter has pulled out at the last minute to be replaced by A US playboy bunny and other 'stars' include oddball politician Lembit Opik. Thank God for Ant and Deck (the hosts) that's all I can say.
Full line up: Sheryl Gascoigne (Ex-wife of footballer Paul), Nigel Havers (actor), Shaun Ryder (Mancunian singer - to add a bit of northern sophistication, no doubt), Britt Ekland (Actress), Linford Christie (athlete), Gillian Mckeith (TV dietician), Lembit Opik (politician and former Cheeky Girl boyfriend - wow), Stacey Solomon (former X Factor finalist), Aggro Santos (rapper), Kayla Collins (Playboy Playmate).
My parents once appeared in an episode of 'Juliet Bravo' (by accident - it used to be filmed in my hometown) I wonder if that qualifies me to appear on next years show...?
Just a thought.
Who holds the purse strings?
In days gone by couples, married or otherwise, tended to manage their finances independently from each other. If the man were the sole bread winner, he would give his spouse house-keeping money, and retain the rest of his salary for himself.
Alternatively, if both partners worked they would share the financial responsibilities and then handle the rest of their disposable incomes individually. Some older couples still choose to live this way.
M - "Don't forget you still owe me that fiver from last week."
W - "Yes, but I bought you some underwear in M & S yesterday, it came to £9.50, so actually, you owe ME a fiver."
M - "Pa! - £2, £4, £4.50. There, now we're straight."
I think it's fair to say that most modern couples prefer to pool their finances and resources, because it's a much easier and fairer way of cohabiting.
Finance is a vital part of any partnership and therefor it should be treated as a high-priority issue. It is essential that at least one of you takes time out to organise and implement the household budget.
One way of instantly improving your financial situation is to stop using credit cards, they are a false economy and will cost you dearly in the long run. Another way is to start monitoring your finances on a daily basis. Five minutes a day studying your bank accounts and investments will save you an absolute fortune.
Is your man tightfisted?
Okay, you have fallen head over heels in love with your guy, he is wonderful. You love his cute little smile, the way he frowns when he's thinking, and the way he always makes you laugh. 'Mr Cuddlybear' is simply irresistible, so much so that you decide to move in with him ...
It's funny how you don't notice the little things in the early stages of a romantic relationship. So what if he follows you around the house turning off all the lights and electrical appliances in your wake? He's just being thrifty that's all.
WT - Funny though, we don't dine at any expensive restaurants anymore, in fact, I'm lucky if he takes me out for a meal-deal once a month. I should have become suspicious when he took me to MacDonalds on our first date!
To be continued ...
RETRO POST - ORIGINALLY POSTED TUES 9TH/NOV/10
Prime Minister David Cameron is in Beijing today leading Britain's biggest ever official delegation to China in an effort to strenghen the relationship between the two countries.
At home most of the UK is facing severe weather warnings, don't you just love living in 'sunny' Britain!?
Jack Duckworth (played by Bill Tarmey) one of the main characters in Britain's longest running soap opera 'Coronation Street' died last night, it was really sad. 'Jack' has been in the show for over thirty years.