Personal Development Blog WN4U: All the latest news and articles from wealthnuggets4u.com

Here are my latest blog posts, I hope you enjoy them.

PD Diary Archive July 17th 2017 (Part 1)

The front of the shoe was moulded from more cheddar and extra cheese was melted and shaped to embellish the design. (They look quite trendy actually - they're a bit whiffy though. Pardon Lisa, that's not the shoes, it's your feet. Oh lovely, no honestly, I really don't want a nibble)

A range of 'cheese couture' footwear by students from Bath Spa University will be displayed at the 2011 Royal Bath & West Show to promote the region's cheese.

# In life, Pall Arason sought attention. In death, he is getting it: The 95-year-old Icelander's pickled penis (urgh) will be the main attraction in one of his country's most bizarre museums. (I'm sure they'll be queueing round the block for this one)

Sigurdur Hjartarson, who runs the Phallological Museum in the tiny Icelandic fishing town of Husavik, said Arason's organ will help round out the unusual institution's extensive collection of phalluses from whales, seals, bears and other mammals.

Sigurdur, I think you need to get out more but then again with a hobby like yours maybe it's best if you dont!

Andy.

PD Diary Archive July 17th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 18TH/APR/11

# US restaurant chain Applebee's has been forced to apologise after a toddler was served margarita mix in his beaker instead of apple juice.

Fifteen-month-old Dominic Dill-Reese was found to have enough alcohol in his blood to be over the adult drink-drive limit when he was rushed to hospital in Michigan, but thankfully escaped serious harm.

The toddler was served margarita mix instead of apple juice.His mother, Taylor, had noticed the toddler had been acting strangely, but didn't realise the cause until she took a sip of what she thought was apple juice before leaving the restaurant in Madison Heights.

'He was saying hi and bye to the walls. (I know that feeling) He eventually laid his head down on the table and we thought maybe he was just sleepy,' she explained.

Applebee's has since released a statement saying it has changed its policy for serving apple juice, which will now be given in single-serve containers. Staff members are also undergoing retraining. (baby, adult, baby, adult...I'm sure they'll get the hang of it)

# Fashion student Lisa Dillon from Bath Spa University has designed and made a pair of 'Cheese' high-heeled shoes using West Country cheddar. (I kid you not)

The budding fashionista from the Department of Fashion, Textile and 3D Design crafted the high heels from cheese and bread. (Girls please, I know you love shoes but this is ridiculous, next it will be cushions made out of pasta...I'm only kidding put that fusilli down right this minute)

A block of cheddar was sculpted to make the heel and a stale cheese sandwich (nice) was used for part of the platform sole.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 17) Part 2

I suppose you know that the relationship's moved on to the 'next level' when you get invited round to meet the parents...

If we can just put the lovey-dovey new relationship on hold for a moment, "Please, put him down, I KNOW he's wonderful, the best thing since sliced bread, but I want to talk to you for just a second. Yes, 'fluffy monkey' can listen too. Have you met his mother yet, by the way? ... No reason, I just wondered."

Your partner reassures you that you have nothing to worry about by constantly saying things like; "Oh, don't worry, you will love mum, she's easygoing, I'm sure you'll get on famously."

The dress code for 'first time meeting new partner's parents' is more difficult for the girl than the guy. A man can't go far wrong with smart casual, besides which, no-one cares what the guy wears but the girl ...

To be continued...

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 17) Part 1

FAMILY:

They say, you can choose your friends but not your family. Unfortunately, the same principle applies to your partner's family. In fairness, I guess it's not most people's priority to check out their new partner's relatives in the early stages of the relationship.

IT SHOULD BE!

In fact, the government should devise a dating equivalent to the 'home information pack' that potential new partners could take with them on their first date.

Perhaps not - population levels would probably fall alarmingly, and within a couple of generations, we could even become an endangered species.

"My dad doesn't look too bad in his string vest, and mum's not scowling, well I don't think she is anyway..."

'That invitation' :

PD Diary Archive July 3rd 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 15TH/APR/11

Inflation has dropped in the UK for the first time in eight months as the CPI fell from 4.4 to 4% in March. The drop is now likely to see interest rates remain at their all time low until at least August.

# Canada's embattled Prime Minister has clashed with three opposition leaders in the first of two televised debates, ahead of the 2nd of May election.

As in most political elections there appears to be a lot of mud-slinging from all sides but polls suggest that the Conservatives are likely to be re-elected.

# Space exploration remains a priority for Russia, President Dmitry Medvedev has said, as the country marks the 50th anniversary of the first human space flight by cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin.

Before Gagarin's historic flight it was feared that humans could not survive beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

# Chinese airlines have placed orders worth $1.4bn (£861m) with Brazilian aircraft manufacturer Embraer. The deal includes firm orders for 20 planes and an option to buy 15 additional aircraft.

China's economic success has seen a surge in demand for air travel within the country.

PD Diary Archive July 3rd 2017 (Part 2)

# Police believe that the bodies discovered at Long Island, New York may be from more than one killer. It's believed that a serial killer is responsible for the murders but police are refusing to rule out that more than one killer will be linked to the ten victims that have been discovered so far.

# On a lighter note Britain is in the top five 'kindest' countries in the world with people more likely to help a stranger than in almost any other country, according to a new report.

The study by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) found that Britons are kinder, more generous and more eager to help others. (Keep going, keep going...)

The top five in the "kindness league table" was America, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and Britain.

Shucks, that's given me a nice warm glow.

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 16) Part 1

DATING:

Talking to members of the opposite sex cont...

If you do embrace the concept of treating people you're attracted to;

EXACTLY THE SAME AS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS

then your potential partner will be pleasantly surpised by your genuineness and your 'normallness', these characteristics create interest and more importantly they create TRUST.

Put romance on the back burner for a while and simply concentrate on making friends with members of the opposite sex. Really listen to them, find out what they are good at and what they have in common with you, then TELL them you have these things in common.

People like people who are LIKE THEY ARE, they do not like people who DISAGREE with them.

Do not obsess over one individual, there really are 'plenty of fish in the sea'. We cannot force anyone to like us and if someone doesn't like us they are not right for us. Never settle for second best or for being second best because those kind of relationships are built on sand.

A few tips to grease the wheels of friendship AND romance:

# Smile s-l-o-w-l-y; a slow smile comes across as far more genuine and specially reserved for the recipient.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 16) Part 2

# Women are attracted to the colour blue (reliable, assertive and kind), men are attracted to the colour pink (friendly and approachable)

# Dress smartly; dress is very important, if you feel uncomfortable wearing smart clothes then practice wearing them in private, you'll be amazed at how soon you get used to them. Wear them primarily to make yourself feel good.

# Smell nice; people place far too much emphasis on how others perceive them and the way they look, smelling good is just as important and it takes zero effort.

# Be in the know, gen-up on titbits, interesting news items, sport, finance. You don't have to be an expert just read the headlines.

Practice makes perfect and the content of the opening line is UNIMPORTANT, it's simply the icebreaker and people will love you for offering them a few friendly words, and if they don't they are either having a bad day, preoccupied with something else or they're just plain ignorant.

Whatever it is, don't let it spoil YOUR day.

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive June 19th 2017 (Part 2)

# A doll modelled on Kate Middleton has gone on sale in London's famous toy store Hamleys.

The limited edition Princess Catherine Engagement Doll by Arklu, is fashioned to resemble Prince William's fiancee (trust me, I've seen the VT of it and it looks nothing like her) and features her famous blue Issa dress. (never heard of it)

(Anyway, I hope Wills and Kate will be really happy together, if nothing else the Royal Wedding has diverted media attention away from 'doom and gloom' the 'credit crunch' and 'double dip' recessions...)

# Spring means breeding season for toads and, in Philadelphia, that means closing off a city street so the tiny creatures are safe from traffic as they seek their mates. (awe)

The toads tend to enjoy wet weather with temperatures above 65 degrees, (I knew that) so when those evenings arrive, organizer Lisa Levinson sends out an email to some 150 volunteers to help the toads cross the road.

(I'm on my way back home Lisa, I'm knackered, those female toads are insatiable - get your hands off me...)

Levinson launched the effort, now in its third year, after realizing what she thought were leaves were actually hopping toads on the street. (you should've gone to specsavers Lisa - and maybe I should stop watching too much TV!)

Last year, the effort saved about 2,000 toads from traffic, according to its website www.toaddetour.com

(Hmm, 2,000 toads saved every year for the last 3 years plus all their offspring. By my reckoning the local residents' goodwill for Lisa's toad crusade is going to run out in a matter of months rather than years.)

Rib-it!

Andy.

PD Diary Archive June 19th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 13TH/APR/11

# A political battle is under way in New York – over whether the onion or the sweetcorn should be made the official state vegetable. While New York counts the apple as its official fruit, the rose as its official flower and even the beaver as its official animal, a vacancy exists for the vegetable that best sums up the empire state.

(Not much happening on the political scene in New York then)

# Nearly 6,000 Lego lovers in Sao Paulo, mostly children, (that's what the dads said anyway) helped put together the independent blocks of Lego bricks which were later stacked using a crane.

The tower was composed of 500,000 Lego pieces and reached 102 feet and 3 inches, breaking the previous record set in Chile last year. (Ne-Ne, Ne-Ne-Ne)

It took four days to build and was held in place by wire supports to prevent it from toppling over in the wind.

The first Lego tower was built in London in 1988, since then Toronto, Moscow, Sydney, Tokyo and Munich have been among the cities which have held the title.

(I always preferred 'Etch-a-Sketch' myself, even though you could never draw anything apart from a load of vertical and horizontal lines with it - I've led a sheltered life)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 15) Part 2

So, to qualify as a good friend all we have to be is; 'calm, friendly and genuine' NOT good looking, NOT a brilliant speaker, NOT popular, NOT sporty and NOT intellegent ... hmm, we can manage that, surely.

Therefor, the true art of speaking to members of the opposite sex is;

'To treat them exactly the same as you would your friends', that's it in a nutshell, no one-liners, no showing off, just you being you.

I think this concept is so important that I'm going to repeat it; The true art of speaking to members of the opposite sex is;

'TO TREAT THEM EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU WOULD YOUR FRIENDS'

IF YOU GRASP AND BUY INTO THIS CONCEPT THEN YOU CAN START WORKING ON IT AND IN TURN IT WILL START REVOLUTIONISING YOUR LIFE!

If you don't then that's up to you but people are becomming more and more sophisticated and these days most people are capable of spotting a phoney a mile off.

To be continued...

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 15) Part 1

DATING:

Talking to members of the opposite sex:

We've all had that feeling, a person we like or who we are attracted to walks into the room and suddenly our heart rate picks up, we become all fidgety and lead-footed and inexplicably we seem to loose the power of speech, well coherent speech anyway.

"Ah fah cowa da, me Andy, you ..." - You get my drift.

If only we could speak to an 'attractive' member of the opposite sex with the same composure we display when speaking to 'old aunty Ethel' say. She thinks we are witty, charming AND good looking ... hmm, how do we transfer this self assurity to people we are attracted to then?

The glib answer would be to treat them exactly the same, the same as 'old aunty Ethel' but think about it for just one moment, if we were actually capable of doing this do you think it would work?

YES, OF COURSE IT WOULD. We would come across as calm, friendly and genuine, everything a good friend should be and the best relationships are always born out of good friendships.

PD Diary Archive June 5th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 11TH/APR/11

The conclusion to Cosmopolitan Magazine's article: "How to Spring Clean Your Love Life."

# Make the first move:

'With confidence soaring (yeah, I'm buzzing CM, new haircut, bikini wax, false tan, bring it on!) and everybody feeling that little bit more carefree and as holiday mode kicks in, it's time to throw out the dating rule book and find your sense of adventure.'

'The stigma of women making the first move (Don't be silly, besides, if we don't like you we'll let you down gently, afterall we are NEW men) has been blown out of the water with the rise of online dating sites; most men would be flattered to have a girl approach them. So what are you waiting for.'

# Stop looking for Mr Right:

'The problem with looking for Mr Right is that he doesn't exist.(Us guys do have our good points though CM. What, you want me to think of one right now? right this minute? erm...we give women something to talk about. What smug smile CM?) You'd have as much chance of finding Father Christmas. But don't despair. Mr Right would get dull after a while anyway.' (exactly)

'Eating a family-sized bar of chocolate might be heavenly but you wouldn't want to do it every day. So let go of the idea of ‘perfect' and embrace Mr Imperfect. (Now your talking CM) It's those little flaws and foibles (we know you girls love them) that keep your relationship alive.'

PD Diary Archive June 5th 2017 (Part 2)

# Let go of the past:

'If you and your ex really are "meant to be together" you will be. Eventually. But if right now, he is ignoring your texts/telling you to get stuffed/sleeping with another girl, you are definitely not meant to be together right now.' (that's insightful CM)

'Focus on fun short-term plans for the future. The only time you should be dwelling on the past is to learn from it.' (If his girlfriend's English I think he'll be the one dwelling on the past when she gets her hands on him. I guess his sleeping around days will be numbered and he'll probably be singing soprano)

# Date like a man:

'And by that we don't mean, charm the pants off him, until you get your wicked way then disappear without so much as another text. (life can be cruel at times CM and we will probably feel used, but given time we'll cope) We mean chill out and stop analysing. (Women analyse things? - yeah I suppose you're right CM)

'Just because he put two kisses on his last email and this time none, doesn't mean he's gone off you. (God loves an optimist CM) It means he's a guy. Let things happen naturally and your laid-back attitude will have him wrapped around your little finger.'

(Listen Brad, could you just have the courtesy to return one of my texts once in a while, whose that giggling in the background? it doesn't sound anything like Orlando, Oh his missus caught him sleeping around and...Ooh that sounds nasty... I'm not nagging Brad, well that's charming I must say. Brad...Brad...)

(Oh, don't come running to me CM now that Brad's given you the cold shoulder. Get off me CM, no you can't see my white bits...)

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 14) Part 2

Moving swiftly on...

Who gossips the most in the work place:

My smile is NOT a smug one girls, honest. I'm just naturally friendly that's all...

I think it's fair to say that women like to gossip?!? - alright talk to each other then. My wife often says that she did nothing at work all day apart from chat to her friends, I mean her work collegues.

Okay, guys chat as well but I think if talking was made an Olympic sport women would beat the men hands down.

Mobile phones were invented for women, just take a walk down the high street and count how many women are gabbing away on their mobiles. Okay, I'll make it easier for you, you can count the ones that aren't instead.

"It's good to talk" (an old BT slogan)

I preferred the one where the phone rang and someone shouted out "It's for you'oo". I was working in a department store at the time BT ran this particular ad and remember having to suffer members of the public mimicking the slogan (and having to smile at their originality) every time the phone rang - happy days.

To be continued...

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 14) Part 1

CAREER:

Politeness in the work place:

Should men hold doors open for women? I think the answer to this and other questions on politeness in the work place is simple; we should show common courtesy to all our work colleagues irrespective of their gender.

Anyone who shuns politeness has got issues with their own self-worth and should be pitied rather than despised or feared. Power is not about image it's about serving others and commanding respect.

The truth about multi-tasking:

If women have had to overcome many unfair assumptions in the work place then at least they can always rely on the age-old perception that men are incapable of doing more than one thing at once.

Of course that is a load of rubbish... excuse me just a second, the phone's ringing, I must take this call...

Sorry, where was I?...

"Listen Susan, can you tell the MD I WON'T be a minute and can you sort this bloody copier out, the stupid, S.T.U.P.I.D thing's kicking off again, ARRGGHH!... I am keeping calm Susan, in fact I'm keeping totally calm." Calm, Calm, Calm, I'm feeling calm.

Okay, okay, scientific research (conducted by women, no doubt) has proven that women ARE in fact better at multi tasking than men. The reason for this is that women's brains work in a more logical fashion which enables them to cope with multiple tasks at the same time.

PD Diary Archive April 27th 2017 (Part 2)

# Make hay while the sun shines:

'It's a proven fact that sun exposure boosts your mood and makes you feel more positive. It's also proven that we are more attracted to positive people. (I see where you're going with this CM and I'm liking it) So you do the maths.'

'You won't shake off the winter blues if you're cooped up in a dingy office all day so stretch your legs and head for the nearest green space in your lunch break. You never know who you might find.' (Oh, that was very funny CM, you knew all along that Scary Mary lived round here, thanks a bunch)

# Date out of your comfort zone:

'If you've always gone for the same ‘type' but never seem to be able to hold down a meaningful relationship, it could be time to reassess your tick list and cast your net a little wider.' (I don't think they make nets that big CM)

'Think of it as a holiday fling. (you mean without the holiday? - I suppose I could do that, afterall they do have Tesco's in the South of France) Make a pact to say yes to any date or matchmaking opportunity that comes along (done that) and you might be surprised. After all, chemistry is not about the right shoes or height. Just look at Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum.'

(I'm taking the weekend to have a good think about everything CM's been telling us. I'm going to take a sun-bed course get my hair cut and I might even go for that bikini wax - ouch! Then there'll be no stopping me. OWWWWWW!)

Andy.

PD Diary Archive April 27th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 8TH/APR/11

Cosmopolitan Magazine has kindly written an article instructing us on how we can improve our love lives, it's entitled "How to Spring Clean Your Love Life" - See what you think.

'Get ready for a summer of love with this season’s new rules of dating...'

'The sun is shining, the flowers are blossoming ... and love is in the air, must be all that sunkissed flesh on show. (Don't CM, your making me blush) Get ready for a summer of love with this season's new rules of dating...'

# Crawl out of your cocoon:

'Has your love life been hibernating these past six months? (I'd say more of a relaxing snooze CM, but now I'm raring to go!) Sex life been on a winter vacation? Comfort food, lack of sun and chunky knitwear (It's a raindeer sweater my mum bought me for Christmas actually) are hardly conducive to making you feel sexy.'

'So pack away your winter wardrobe, revive your sexy summer frocks, (I don't do that anymore CM, not since, well never mind)) reach for the fake tan, go for a bikini wax, (Must I?) get a new spring haircut and break free from the season of celibacy. (I'm game if you are CM)

# Find your mojo:

'Getting into the spirit of spring can be easier said than done after months spent slouching on the sofa, (it has been footy season CM) scoffing chocolate. (and it is easter, well nearly) The first step to being sexy is feeling sexy.' (I feel sexy, I feel sexy, I FEEL sexy - Well, has it worked...?)

'Half an hour of exercise each day (that's a bit steep CM) will give you an instant feelgood rush. Cycle to work, (what, a 70 mile rpound trip? - on yer bike) join a tennis club, find an outdoor pool or meet a friend for power walks around the park and you'll be feeling like a minx in no time.' (Meee-owww)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 13) Part 1

CAREER:

What do men do? cont...

This may sound like a very unsavoury characteristic but men by their nature tend to do as little as possible to acheive a desired outcome or result.

Joking aside this is a very important concept to comprehend. Results are results irrespective of how hard a person's worked in order to acheive them.

I'm fascinated by lions, I think they are wonderful creatures, if you've heard a lion's roar close up you'll know that it's one of the most amazing sounds to behold. Like all cats lions sleep for about sixteen hours a day - great work if you can get it!

Even when they're awake they still look half asleep but when they are hunting they are a totally different proposition. They will wait an age for the right opportunity to come along and when it does they strike with incredible speed and take out the weakest animal. Why take on the toughest in order to get the same result?

Women have a tendency to want to prove themselves. I'm a big fan of Tom Cruise and in the film 'A Few Good Men' his lawyer charachter turns around to his female counterpart (played by Demi Moore) and asks her "Why are you always quoting me your resumee?"

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 13) Part 2

Women place far more importance than men on hard work and fairness, they don't feel like they've acheived something unless they've busted a gut in order to get it.

When will true equality be achieved?:

Women account for just under 50% of the UK's work-force but only 9% of it's companies' directors - how does that work?

True change take a long time and you can't overthrow thousands of years of custom, practice and tradition in just a few decades.

The relationship between men and women is evolving all the time. We are becoming more similar but we still have many differences. About twenty years from now I think we will have acheived true equality in the work place but I've got a sneeking suspicion that men will still have the easier life.

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive April 18th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 6TH/APR/11

# A Toronto cop who warned women that dressing like sluts can attract sexual assault was reprimanded and underwent “further training,” according to Chief Bill Blair.

Blair called Const. Michael Sanguinetti “inexperienced,” adding the officer uttered “something stupid and he’s apologized.”

The constable’s comment sparked outrage, prompting more than 1,500 protesters to stage a “SlutWalk” on Sunday from Queen’s Park to police headquarters on College St.

“I don’t think the officer meant any offence,” added Blair.

(Michael's re training was apparantly undertaken in the uniform issue department and as from next Monday Toronto's police officer uniform will be modified to include high heels, fish-net stockings and short skirts. However, female officer uniforms will remain unchanged.)

# Our friends at the council have been at it again, ordering their binmen to stop collecting rubbish at a block of flats in Croydon amid fears litter on the steps could cause them to fall over. (May God give me strengh)

Health and Safety officers at Croydon Council have told refuse collectors not to 'risk' going up stairs at the block of flats in New Addington, Croydon - saying there are a host of dangers which could lead to them tumbling down the stairs and injuring themselves.

PD Diary Archive April 18th 2017 (Part 2)

A spokesman for the council said that health and safety concerns meant the binmen would not 'brave' the flats until a host of problems had been fixed.

# A laundromat and car-wash owner in Pennsylvania is banning some of his customers — for bringing in clothes that are 'too dirty'.

Troy Schoenly says he's fed up with natural gas workers bringing overly greasy clothes to his self-service laundry, Troy's Suds Depot. And not just that, he doesn't want their muddy trucks at his car wash, either.

(The Pennsylvania Gas Department has since written to Troy informing him that he can continue purchasing gas from them as long as he's not bothered if it's the untreated variety.)

(Somehow I feel that Troy may soon discover a whole new meaning to the phrase "A lot more bang for your buck".)

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 12) Part 1

CAREER:

More and more women are now working full time. Thirty years ago the natural thing for a woman to do was stay at home and be a housewife whilst the man went out to work and earned the money.

This role of bread-winner made the man feel that he was entittled to make key family decisions with little or no consultation with his partner.

Slowly but surely this began to change until today women make up nearly half the work-force in the UK.

Women have battled long and hard to acheive equality in all areas of life but unfortunately hard work does not guarantee the best results. If we look at things objectively for just a moment; Who has actually benefited the most from women's rise in a previously male dominated society?

Er, you guessed it - MEN!

The majority of women now hold down full time jobs, run the home, look after the kids, care for elderly relatives, do the food shopping, the list is endless.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 12) Part 2

What do men do?

De-de-de-de-de-de-de... What? Don't look at me like that, and no I'm not playing for time... Promise... Cross my heart and hope to die... Okay, okay...

Men do extremely important things actually, or that's what they would like their partners to believe anyway.

At the onset of every winter when I was a kid my dad used to 'bleed the central heating system'. Of course I never took much notice of it at the time but what I DO remember is him making a really big deal about it and moreover, he convinced mum that it was a really big deal too.

You can imagine my surprise then when I got my first house and had to start bleeding radiators for myself - I remember putting the key on the valve and loosening it, waiting until water came out of the valve, then re tightening it. Hey presto! that's all there was to it.

All those years of mystery resolved in what, thirty seconds? This episode, although insignificant taught me an important lesson: Men often exagerate their contribution to the team effort.

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 27th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 4TH/APR/11

The concluding part of handbag.com's article "How to handle his former flames."

# Role reversal:

'A total cliché, but put yourself in his shoes. (That's more like it HB a bit more diplomacy, that's the ticket) Accept that both of you have history, and ask yourself how you would want him to react if you wished to meet one of your past boyfriends for lunch and a chat.' (That slimey little a******, no way, sorry HB, only kidding, no, of course I don't mind if you go for a coffee with Boris, t*****. Sorry HB I was just clearing my throat)

'By assessing how you feel about those men now, you might be able to grasp the level of feeling he has for his exes. Like him, you have probably lost contact with some of them, (some of them, HB?, we're not talking phone-directory proportions here are we?) for very good reasons' (What reasons?)

'However, there may also be one or two exes who have become good friends, (B*******) and you are entitled to have those relationships. So is he.' (I'm still smiling HB, us men don't do jealousy, I am not gritting my teeth HB)

# Give him space:

'Let him have his time with his ex. (very mature of you HB) Ask him about his plans, but don't plague him with calls and texts while he's out with her'.

(What's that HB? - Gail and Eileen are having another row in Coronation Street, oh really, no the soup was fine, mushroom, yes my favourite, no I don't mind you calling, yes, ring me back when the cat comes in, speak to you soon...sorry Honeypie what were you saying?...Hello Tiddles, it's daddy, you okay, oh he's purring is he HB how sweet, yes see you soon...okay, bye Tiddles, daddy won't be late, bye HB, yes, of course I love you.)

'If you feel anxious, plan a date directly after his 'date' with her.(I'm a bit full HB, but I suppose I could manage another mixed grill, a small one at least, okay, extra large it is then) Sometimes, just seeing that your man only has eyes for you, even if he has just been out with an ex, is enough to put your mind at rest.' (No way HB, Honeypie is not half as good looking as you, not even a quarter and you are far more fun than she is and a better cook, okay, I won't over do it HB)

PD Diary Archive Mar 27th 2017 (Part 2)

# Rent a corner of that space:

'When you feel comfortable about it, ask if you can meet his ex.(Are you having a laugh HB?) Often, something as simple as putting a face to the name (Natalie Portman with hair, remember?) can allay any fears you've been harbouring about him running away with her.' (We're both in training for the Manchester Marathon actually HB)

Seeing your man and his ex interact as friends can be hugely reassuring – and who knows? You and she might become shopping buddies, or even friends! (Just what us guys need that HB two women sniping about us for the price of one, whoopy do!)

# Be realistic:

'He kisses his ex on the cheek. They share a joke and laugh in unison. (so that WAS you with the binoculars in the park HB) It's easy to jump to wild conclusions (that 'meatpie' b****, I'll swing for her, if I get half a chance) about the nature of your man's current relationship with his ex from simple exchanges like this one.' (Honeypie my a**, if she wants trouble then she's come to the right place)

# Keep communication channels open:

'So long as communication between you and your partner remains open and honest, (Dear h/pie I av alwys tht yr bum was 2 big and found u a ltl dull, no hard flngs, pls dont get bk in touch - andy) you should both feel comfortable maintaining contact with exes. Remember trust is the key.'

(HB, have you seen my mobile phone anywhere?)

(I need to text Honeypie back, she wants us to meet up with her and her new partner for coffee this afternoon, she said she couldn't wait to meet you. HB...? HB...?)

Have a good week.

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 11) Part 1

CAREER:

Politeness in the work place:

Should men hold doors open for women? I think the answer to this and other questions on politeness in the work place is simple; we should show common courtesy to all our work colleagues irrespective of their gender.

Anyone who shuns politeness has got issues with their own self-worth and should be pitied rather than despised or feared. Power is not about image it's about serving others and commanding respect.

The truth about multi-tasking:

If women have had to overcome many unfair assumptions in the work place then at least they can always rely on the age-old perception that men are incapable of doing more than one thing at once.

Of course that is a load of rubbish... excuse me just a second, the phone's ringing, I must take this call...

Sorry, where was I?...

"Listen Susan, can you tell the MD I WON'T be a minute and can you sort this bloody copier out, the stupid, S.T.U.P.I.D thing's kicking off again, ARRGGHH!... I am keeping calm Susan, in fact I'm keeping totally calm." Calm, Calm, Calm, I'm feeling calm.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 11) Part 2

Okay, okay, scientific research (conducted by women, no doubt) has proven that women ARE in fact better at multi tasking than men. The reason for this is that women's brains work in a more logical fashion which enables them to cope with multiple tasks at the same time.

Moving swiftly on...

Who gossips the most in the work place:

My smile is NOT a smug one girls, honest. I'm just naturally friendly that's all...

I think it's fair to say that women like to gossip?!? - alright talk to each other then. My wife often says that she did nothing at work all day apart from chat to her friends, I mean her work collegues.

Okay, guys chat as well but I think if talking was made an Olympic sport women would beat the men hands down.

Mobile phones were invented for women, just take a walk down the high street and count how many women are gabbing away on their mobiles. Okay, I'll make it easier for you, you can count the ones that aren't instead.

"It's good to talk" (an old BT slogan)

I preferred the one where the phone rang and someone shouted out "It's for you'oo". I was working in a department store at the time BT ran this particular ad and remember having to suffer members of the public mimicking the slogan (and having to smile at their originality) every time the phone rang - happy days.

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 20th 2017 (Part 2)

'Here's how to avoid a total relationship meltdown and still feel satisfied that your man isn't carrying a candle for a lover past.' (How poetic - I was only being conversational HB. Okay, I'll shut up)

# Question time:

'Before you go berserk, ask questions. (a woman asking a man questions, how highly unusual HB) If your relationship is strong, he'll feel comfortable answering reasonable (REASONABLE) questions about this woman. What did she mean to him? How long ago did the relationship end? Does she have a new partner too?' (I feel like I'm on 'Mastermind' HB - specialist subject - 'Honeypie')

'Sometimes the answers are not exactly what you want to hear (so why ask?) he may tell you, for instance, that he was head-over-heels in love with her, but he should be able to reassure you that this relationship is well in the past. If he doesn't wish to answer your questions, (turn off the football and remove his can of beer, that usually does the trick) there's a problem. You may have an issue with honesty in this relationship.'

(HB, please turn the footy back on, yeah I love you more than words can say, now you're in the way of the TV. No, I haven't spoken to Honeypie recently.)

(This could be a long weekend guys) (Nothing sweet pea...You donkey! you couldn't hit a barn door from five yards, I wasn't talking to you darling honestly, could you bring me another beer from the fridge please?...)

(That was so childish HB, I hope it's made you feel better, it hasn't, where are you going? Please don't SLLAAAMMM - the door......)

To be continued ...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 20th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 1ST/APR/11

Handbag.com's latest article is entitled: "How to handle his former flames." Oh, this could be tricky, er, I mean interesting, let's see:

'Relationship advice from handbag.com on how to deal with his ex-girlfriends and jealousy. Should you be worried if he meets up with his ex and how should you cope with it?'

'So, it's getting serious with your bloke. You've met his friends. He's met yours. (I wasn't too keen on Scary Mary HB) He keeps a toothbrush at your place. You keep a complete second set of make-up at his. (or vice versa) But then one Saturday morning, you're lying in bed when his phone rings and he casually announces he's meeting Claire for a coffee that afternoon.'

'That's nice, you smile hazily, still swimming in a post-coital fog. (Pardon?) And then it dawns on you. Claire is his ex! (that's that b**** he refers to as 'Honeypie') Your head spins, nausea sets in and your judgement is momentarily clouded with jealousy as you visualise your bloke caught in a heated embrace with a stunning Natalie Portman-esque creature, only with hair.' (Me-ow, claws away, HB)

# Case of the ex:

'The easy thing to do in a situation like this one is completely fly off the handle, banning all contact between loverboy (charming, HB, I was the best thing since sliced bread not ten minutes ago, now I'm being referred to as 'loverboy') and his former flame.'

'Trouble is, this approach can result in any trust that you've spent the past weeks/months/years building. (sounds like it's been a chore HB) disintegrating before your eyes.'

'He might refuse to adhere to your no-contact rule (I would never call you controlling HB) or resent your jealousy, to the point where he'd rather maintain contact with his exes than have an overly clingy girlfriend falling to pieces whenever he wants to catch up with one of them.'(Breakfast smells good HB, by the way have you seen Thumper this morning? - You're going to hurt yourself with that knife if you're not careful)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 13) Part 1

CAREER:

What do men do? cont...

This may sound like a very unsavoury characteristic but men by their nature tend to do as little as possible to acheive a desired outcome or result.

Joking aside this is a very important concept to comprehend. Results are results irrespective of how hard a person's worked in order to acheive them.

I'm fascinated by lions, I think they are wonderful creatures, if you've heard a lion's roar close up you'll know that it's one of the most amazing sounds to behold. Like all cats lions sleep for about sixteen hours a day - great work if you can get it!

Even when they're awake they still look half asleep but when they are hunting they are a totally different proposition. They will wait an age for the right opportunity to come along and when it does they strike with incredible speed and take out the weakest animal. Why take on the toughest in order to get the same result?

Women have a tendency to want to prove themselves. I'm a big fan of Tom Cruise and in the film 'A Few Good Men' his lawyer charachter turns around to his female counterpart (played by Demi Moore) and asks her "Why are you always quoting me your resumee?"

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 13) Part 2

Women place far more importance than men on hard work and fairness, they don't feel like they've acheived something unless they've busted a gut in order to get it.

When will true equality be achieved?:

Women account for just under 50% of the UK's work-force but only 9% of it's companies' directors - how does that work?

True change take a long time and you can't overthrow thousands of years of custom, practice and tradition in just a few decades.

The relationship between men and women is evolving all the time. We are becoming more similar but we still have many differences. About twenty years from now I think we will have acheived true equality in the work place but I've got a sneeking suspicion that men will still have the easier life.

To be continued...

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 13th 2017 (Part 2)

"To understand the situation, you have to understand snakes," zoo Director Jim Breheny said (Er, Jim. We don't want to have to take a crash course in snakeology, just find the bloody thing and find it fast!)

# Buy a satellite dish from Ravalli Republic in Hamilton, Montanna and get a free gun!

Store owner Steve Strand says: "It took some haggling to get Dish Network Corp. to go along with the promotion, but it has more than trippled our business."

Apparantly 92% of new sales have come from in and around the Bronx area.

"Sid, get back in your box right now."

SSSsssssssssss.

"That Bronx Zoo guy's on Discovery Channel again any minute and this weeks show's about how to handle venomous spiders."

"Tommy the tarnatula will be comming to stay with us for a few days Sid, you're going to like that."

SSSsssssssssss.

PD Diary Archive Mar 13th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 30TH/MAR/11

# A giant 18th-century Chinese silk scroll painting of a military troop review has been sold at auction for more than £19 million in France.

The work, found in a Paris attic depicts army manoeuvres that mobilised some 20,000 men. (Old videos - bin, table with only three legs - bin, football boots caked in circa 1980's mud - bin, 25 kilo computer monitor - bin. Chinese scroll, Chinese scroll, Chinese scroll...)

# New looks are set to be unveiled at Toronto Fashion Week this week with Toronto native Paola Fullerton producing the show.

Mother of two, Paola who founded her production company last year states that: "The models are the most critical. They can make a terrible dress look fabulous and a bad model can make a spectacular gown look like garbage.” (Tell it how it is Paola)

# A poisonous cobra has vanished from an enclosure outside public view at the Bronx Zoo, and its Reptile House remains closed as a precaution while zoo workers search for the missing reptile.

While the roughly 20-inch-long Egyptian cobra — a highly venomous species of snake — has been unaccounted for since Friday afternoon, zoo officials say they're confident it hasn't gone far. (scant consolation to local residents, no doubt)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 12) Part 1

CAREER:

More and more women are now working full time. Thirty years ago the natural thing for a woman to do was stay at home and be a housewife whilst the man went out to work and earned the money.

This role of bread-winner made the man feel that he was entittled to make key family decisions with little or no consultation with his partner.

Slowly but surely this began to change until today women make up nearly half the work-force in the UK.

Women have battled long and hard to acheive equality in all areas of life but unfortunately hard work does not guarantee the best results. If we look at things objectively for just a moment; Who has actually benefited the most from women's rise in a previously male dominated society?

Er, you guessed it - MEN!

The majority of women now hold down full time jobs, run the home, look after the kids, care for elderly relatives, do the food shopping, the list is endless.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 12) Part 2

What do men do?

De-de-de-de-de-de-de... What? Don't look at me like that, and no I'm not playing for time... Promise... Cross my heart and hope to die... Okay, okay...

Men do extremely important things actually, or that's what they would like their partners to believe anyway.

At the onset of every winter when I was a kid my dad used to 'bleed the central heating system'. Of course I never took much notice of it at the time but what I DO remember is him making a really big deal about it and moreover, he convinced mum that it was a really big deal too.

You can imagine my surprise then when I got my first house and had to start bleeding radiators for myself - I remember putting the key on the valve and loosening it, waiting until water came out of the valve, then re tightening it. Hey presto! that's all there was to it.

All those years of mystery resolved in what, thirty seconds? This episode, although insignificant taught me an important lesson: Men often exagerate their contribution to the team effort.

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 6th 2017 (Part 2)

# He wants a lifestyle change:

'Sometimes a man's reasons for getting commitment-friendly (careful again guys, remember united we stand divided we fall) are more pragmatic than passionate ‘let's live together, it'll save us money! ' (Us men tight YL? - never!) Cold, practical and financial, maybe, but it's a step in the right direction, nonetheless.' (you need to get out more YL)

# He goes through a personal trauma:

Never underestimate the importance of bereavement or serious illness in altering the relationship behavior of a man. (now you really have gone too far YL, next you'll be recommending hanging out at the undertakers if you want to get spliced - you've already tried that one - okay)

Random pleasure-seeking will suddenly look pointless and silly. On the other hand, if a man is in a serious relationship at the time, he may go the other way (do you mean turning gay YL?) - ie go travelling (oh), get a tattoo on his bum, ("for 6-pack check other side" - just a suggestion YL) shag anything with a pulse... (Pardon YL? - wash your mouth out with soap and water - women using crude language, what's the world comming to - next you'll be drinking pints and following the football, oh you already do, well, er, demanding equal pay for doing the same jobs as us then. What, you'd not thought of that one, s***, sorry guys!)

# He falls in love:

'There's always the possibility he's simply met someone so jaw-droppingly amazing, yes that's you! that he's instantly transported out of his overgrown adolescent lifestyle.' (Funny how agreeing with a woman suddenly makes you more mature... Oh, I CAN have Johnny round to play on the X-box tonight, thanks darling)

' "That's it," he says. "I'll never find anyone more perfect, so I'd better not mess this up. Call off the search!" Aah, ain't love grand.'

Ain't love grand? - You a Yorksire lass YL? - Well you know what they say "You can take the lass out of Yorkshire..."

Fancy another pint? - nice one.

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Mar 6th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 28TH/MAR/11

The conclusion to Yahoo Lifestyle's article 'The Key Signs He's Ready to Settle Down':

The boys are back from their two day bender with Sir Cliff and the women are ready to continue speaking. We are all ears girls:

# His beer gut: (You're getting extremely personal now YL - surely you mean our 6-packs) 'Let's be honest about this. If blokes could carry on sleeping with 22-year-old women well into their mid-40s and not feel stupid, pathetic and sad, most would.'

Sadly, the mirror not to mention the ravages of time (speak for yourself YL, I use Oil of Ulay) and okay then the beer, tells us different. (It's never the beers fault YL, never, if we are ill at a party it's always because we ate something dodgy at the buffet, never the 10 pints of lager we quaffed after it and don't you suggest otherwise - Oh I forgot to tell you, a 22-year-old guy called round earlier, he left these and said to say thanks for a lovely evening - I do believe you're blushing YL)

# He's had enough of mad birds:

'There comes a point in a man's life when he outgrows those passionate but self-destructive flings with nutty women.' (you said it YL not me, although I must agree with you nutty women do have a tendency to lead us guys astray - it's shameful really)

Women who had ‘trouble' tattooed on their forehead or elsewhere (now, now YL, steady on, a lot of women have tattoos these days, as long as they're spelt right who cares) and looks for a ‘normal' relationship. Next stop on the commitment express, marriage and kids. (woah, woah, hold your horses YL, just because you can spell 'Love' and 'Hate' correctly it doesn't mean we're getting hitched.)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 11) Part 1

EMOTIONS:

A woman's most common emotional complaint about her man:

When it comes to considering each others feelings the most common complaint that women have about their men is that they can never get them to talk about their feelings.

That's the theory, but in reality it always seems to work slightly differently...

M - "Well honey the way I see it, it's like this..."

W - "Can you just shut up for one minute and let me have MY say. I do have my own oppinion you know."

Hmm, maybe that complaint should be re defined to 'women just can't get their men to listen whilst they tell them about THEIR feelings.'

Women tend to cope better with high emotion than men:

Far from women being the weaker sex their brains are in fact wired up far better to deal with stressful sitations than men's. Instinctively, high emotional arousal is a cue for a man to act, whereas women will instinctively try to use reason to resolve a problem.

That's why men have a tendency to walk away from arguments, because they feel the need to take action and are often afraid of what that action could be. Of course the woman will insist on following her man around the house until she feels the situation has been resolved.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 11) Part 2

Whoever coined the phrase 'Never go to sleep on an argument' should be taken out and shot. In fact thinking about it, it must've been a woman.

M - "It's 3am, I give in, I apologise unreservedly for dripping red wine on the carpet after you'd thrown it over me, now please let me go to sleep."

Emotional insecurities:

Everyone has experienced emotional insecurity at some point in their lives but advertising has made us and women in particular feel insecure about the way we look.

Hmm, will he actually notice I'm wearing something new? in fact I'm not sure wether I like the damn thing myself anymore. I'm sure it makes my arms look a bit CHUNKY. it's a strain to see my bum... b-u-t I'm s-u-r-e t-h-i-s d-o-e-s i-t no favours whatsoever. That skinny cow Sophie will be there tonight, prancing around and flirting with all the men, she makes me want to puke.

W - "I don't look fat in this do I?"

M - "No, you look absolutely gorgeous."

W - "Not fat?"

M - "NO, you look great, now come on we'll be late."

To be continued...

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Feb 27th 2017 (Part 2)

# He's suffering from dating fatigue:

'Instead of being excited about being back on the singles scene, all he feels is the world-weary numbness and dread of having to go through the whole rigmarole again: meet someone, get to know them, visit their bedroom.' (wait 'till your invited YL - damn cheek)

You'll have to look at their photos (great idea, I only took 630 on my last holiday though, I'll search for some more whilst you're looking at those), meet their friends and family. (You make dating sound like a trip to the dentist YL - oh right, your boyfriend IS a dentist, I get the picture, nice teeth by the way)

# His mate/his ex gets married: Every man dreads being the last one left in the pub (that's a Mancunian's dream YL - hic!) - the sad old sod reciting The Fast Show sketches to himself (I remember the time Johnny Depp made a guest appearance. "suits you sir" "Oh it suits you better sir", it was so funny, I had tears running down my...sorry YL)

That's why, when your friends/ex couple up, the pressure's on to follow suit and you realise settling down needn't be the end of life as you know it (Jim). For a lot of men, the ultimate wake-up call is seeing your ex with their baby.(your ex or my ex and WHOSE bay? - Oh God, I'm out of here)

The commitment-friendly guys and the commitment-phobic guys are taking a recess to consider their options. Cliff Richard's taking us all out on a two day bender, that should be fun...

To be continued...

Have a good weekend.

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Feb 27th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 25TH/MAR/11

Yahoo Lifestyle's latest article is about a woman recognising the 'key signs that her man is ready to settle down.'

Let's take a peek at it.

'Some of the real reasons he could transform himself from a commitment-phobe to commitment-friend...' (I'm not commiting to anything until I've read this article YL)

'If you're wondering if your guy is ripe (Ripe?) for getting serious, or whether you're wasting your time on an overgrown adolescent.'(that's a bit harsh YL - listen, I'm just going on my playstation for an hour. No, I'll tidy my room later. Oh God, sometimes you are just so unfair, I hate you.)

'Here's some of the real reasons he could transform himself from a commitment-phobe to commitment-friend.' (nice terminology YL sounds like this could be a win-win situation to me)

# He's lost his mojo:

(whoever coined this phrase should be shot at dawn - along with people who say 'teenyboppers' and the person/woman/women who invented button-up flys - You can just imagine it guys can't you: "What can we do to really p*** them off...I know let's invent button up flys - tee hee.)

'Many commitment-friendly men (be careful guys they're trying to divide us here, stand firm wether you're commitment-friendly or otherwise) say they're tired of the singles scene because they've "been there and done that." 'However, when pressed, they'll most likely admit they no longer feel comfortable in their old hangouts, (most of mine have been pulled down YL - but that's another story) often complaining the bars they used to frequent were ‘full of teenyboppers'. Slippers and pipe at the ready, ladies?' (That's a load of bull - Ouch, you've made my cocoa too hot again YL! Pass me a chocolate digestive please)

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 10) Part 1

EMOTIONS:

Okay, we're living in the twenty first century, most of the stereotypes about how men and women are supposed to act emotionally have been consigned to the dustbin - thank god but although we now all enjoy more emotional freedom, it also serves to make life much more complicated.

I mean, when I was child it was fairly straight forward, boys were boys and girls were girls. All the lads played footy at lunch time and the girls just played skipping or hopscotch. Okay, we'd interact ocassionally, for a game of tig or netball but that was as far as it went.

Any guy who played with the girls was considered a sissy and likewise girls who prefered male company were regarded as tomboys.

Anyway, all that was a long time ago, back to the present day and our new found emotional freedom. As I said, it can make life very complicated. Guys and girls now have to be capable of displaying a myriad of emotions, not only that but we have to display the RIGHT emotion at the RIGHT time and that's not always easy.

For example, if a man shows sensitivity when he's supposed to be displaying strengh he's considered a wimp and if he comes across too hard when sensitivity is the order of the day he's regarded as an uncaring brute. It might be a good idea if the girls actually told us how they wanted us to act emotionally, in advance.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 10) Part 2

On second thoughts, maybe that isn't such a good idea, especially when you consider that women already give their guys instructions on how to behave in most other areas.

"Don't go embarassing me at this party now will you? Don't drink too much and don't go on about John losing his hair, you know he's touchy about it. You're not wearing that surely, put something smart on, please..."

Why do women love writing lists:

I'm digressing slightly but on the run up to one bank holiday my wife kept mentioning all these DIY jobs she wanted me to do. After about the third or fourth request I asked her to write me a list...

Listen guys if you want to remain EMOTIONALLY stable during holiday periods DO NOT ask your partner to write you a list about DIY or anything else for that matter.

Needless to say the list she wrote me was vast, I still have nightmares about it to this day! It made the Magna Carta look like a post-it note.

women write lists about anything and everything, they are so organised it's infuriating. Us guys like our mess, it's our mess and it's organised mess, okay.

"Please don't tap your teeth with that pen you're making me nervous."

A woman's most common emotional complaint about her man:

To be continued...

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Feb 6th 2017 (Part 2)

Ian Bebbington, an estate agent from Northallerton has been criticised about a property advertisement he wrote in which he described local residents as "scruffy" and Smelly".

Whilst his efforts were intended to be light-hearted, residents of Prospect View immediately took exception, and Mr Bebbington has admitted he's received so many complaints that he has written to everyone in the street to explain his choice of language.

Don't worry Ian, if your employers give you the boot, I recommend you stand for parliament. After all Harriet Harmon had to apolgise recently for describing one of her colleagues as a "ginger rodent" and Stuart Maclennan, the Labour candidate for Moray called House of Commons speaker John Bercow a "t***" on Twitter.

It makes what you said sound quite tame really, besides which those stinkers from Prospect View need to get themselves a sense of humour.

Andy.

PD Diary Archive Feb 6th 2017 (Part 1)

RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 23RD/MAR/11

'Smart advertising' is comming to the UK. (Don't all cheer at once)

Oh, dear, just when we thought we'd got the better of the ad-men by Sky plusing everything so we could fast-forward through the adverts, they've come up with a dastardly new plan.

'Smart advertising' will target people depending on their consumer habits, it has emerged. Broadcasters are set to introduce advertisements based on 'personal tastes' to halt the growing shift from television to the internet.

Under the scheme, which will start being rolled out within two years, adverts would be transmitted during "live" viewing. The timing and length of breaks will remain unchanged.

Advertisers will use various marketing tools (In other words, more annoying phone calls when we are all sat down eating our tea after a hard days work) in order to gather 'personalised information' on viewer preferences.

Oh, this is going to be just great, five minutes to go with the footy and an advert for loo role suddenly appears.

However, wait a moment, my anger soon turns to sheer nerve-tingling excitement, because - YIPEE! - it's not just any loo role they're advertising, it's my FAVOURITE brand of loo role!! Who cares who won the football anymore, I'm nipping down to Tesco's to buy some right this minute...

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 9) Part 2

Is It Possible To Improve Your Man's Bathroom Etiquette?:

If only he would show more consideration around the bathroom. How many times do I have to tell him NOT to leave the toilet seat up? Once? twice? weekly? daily? hourly? - But does he listen?

That's annoying enough but as for the, well, let's just call it, oooh, it's disgusting, 'yellow liquid' splattered on and around the toilet, can they not aim straight for God's sake!

He never puts the towel back straight, all he has to do is fold it in half lenghways, then widthways and then put it on the towel rail, I mean come on, it's not rocket science.

As for cleaning the bath out, well let's not go there, it makes me shudder just to think about it. He's in there at the moment, singing, er, or trying to, I hope he doesn't set the dog off. I'll have to fully disinfect the place (either that or call out Rent-O-Kill) before I can go and enjoy a well earned soak.

To be continued...

Have a great weekend.

Andy.

Who Wears the Trousers? (No 9) Part 1

COHABITING:

Why do women need so many bottles of shampoo?

Yeah, okay generally speaking, girl's hair tends to be longer than guys. That conceded, is it really necessary to fill the bathroom cupboards with every type of shampoo and conditioner known to man?

"Sorry honey, you're going to have to find another place to store your razor..."

No wonder. We can't move in there because it's so crammed full of shampoo bottles.

Shampoo for greasy hair, shampoo for dry hair, shampoo for fly-away hair, shampoo for processed hair?!?, shampoo for colour treated hair. Baby shampoos, low alkaline shampoos, dry shampoos...It's hair for God's sake, JUST WASH IT!

"Just remind me again honey, which is the stuff I can use? What colour bottle is it? - we've run out, okay, I'll use the liquid soap instead."

PD Diary Archive Jan 12th 2017 (Part 2)

# Ordering inappropriate food:

'Save being experimental with your menu choices for when you’re out with friends. Now isn’t the time to try the garlic fritters for the first time or to order the hottest curry on the menu. You really don’t want to be left looking red faced, sweaty and chugging down gallons of water (Is lager okay though?) to get rid of the tastes.'

'Stick to simple dishes you know you can eat with dignity and decorum instead.' (Like I said Big Mac/Large fries, can't go wrong there and if your date manages to eat that with dignity and decorum, you know you're on to a winner, this dating lark's a doddle YP)

# Overdoing the perfume/cologne:

You’re out on a date so of course you want to look and smell your best, (Thanks YP, it's called 'Old Spice' none of that fancy 'Dolce & Bandanna' crap for me) but too much scent is overpowering (I had to put a lot on because the bottle said use by Dec 1978, I thought it might be a bit weak, it's not?) and a massive turn-off.

'Stick to the one spritz rule (What does Mark Spritz know about fragrances? - if you're under 30 you wont get that, no apologies) lest you want to be followed around by a swarm of bees.' (Honey pie!)

'It’s also advisable to avoid any last-minute beauty treatments like a DIY self-tan unless (No, I don't use a sunbed, I'm just naturally healthy looking YP) you look particularly good in streaky orange' (How dare you?)

# Talking about how long it is since you last had sex:

'Making your date feel sorry for you by revealing how long you’ve gone without is a poorly thought out tactic (You make it sound like a military campaign YP) that will only make you look sad and desperate. (Got that, I'd better lie then) And that’s never an attractive trait.

Always keep in mind that it’s inappropriate to bring up the topic of sex on a date, (you brought it up first YP, not me.) even if you’re using it in a self-deprecating way. (pardon?) Best steer clear of the subject. altogether.'

Bet you £10 you won't sleep with me tonight YP.

Well that's paid for the happy meal, every cloud and all that. Cheap dates, us guys just love 'em.

Oh, thanks very much YP, I'll have a pint of Stella please.

Now WE ARE entering the realms of fantasy guys. Yes, you've guessed it, this is just a dream, You'll wake up any minute, licking your lips with your hand cupped around an imaginary pint of lager.

Male fantasies, now there's a topic.

Andy.