Here are my latest blog posts, I hope you enjoy them.
# Rent a corner of that space:
'When you feel comfortable about it, ask if you can meet his ex.(Are you having a laugh HB?) Often, something as simple as putting a face to the name (Natalie Portman with hair, remember?) can allay any fears you've been harbouring about him running away with her.' (We're both in training for the Manchester Marathon actually HB)
Seeing your man and his ex interact as friends can be hugely reassuring – and who knows? You and she might become shopping buddies, or even friends! (Just what us guys need that HB two women sniping about us for the price of one, whoopy do!)
# Be realistic:
'He kisses his ex on the cheek. They share a joke and laugh in unison. (so that WAS you with the binoculars in the park HB) It's easy to jump to wild conclusions (that 'meatpie' b****, I'll swing for her, if I get half a chance) about the nature of your man's current relationship with his ex from simple exchanges like this one.' (Honeypie my a**, if she wants trouble then she's come to the right place)
# Keep communication channels open:
'So long as communication between you and your partner remains open and honest, (Dear h/pie I av alwys tht yr bum was 2 big and found u a ltl dull, no hard flngs, pls dont get bk in touch - andy) you should both feel comfortable maintaining contact with exes. Remember trust is the key.'
(HB, have you seen my mobile phone anywhere?)
(I need to text Honeypie back, she wants us to meet up with her and her new partner for coffee this afternoon, she said she couldn't wait to meet you. HB...? HB...?)
Have a good week.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 4TH/APR/11
The concluding part of handbag.com's article "How to handle his former flames."
# Role reversal:
'A total cliché, but put yourself in his shoes. (That's more like it HB a bit more diplomacy, that's the ticket) Accept that both of you have history, and ask yourself how you would want him to react if you wished to meet one of your past boyfriends for lunch and a chat.' (That slimey little a******, no way, sorry HB, only kidding, no, of course I don't mind if you go for a coffee with Boris, t*****. Sorry HB I was just clearing my throat)
'By assessing how you feel about those men now, you might be able to grasp the level of feeling he has for his exes. Like him, you have probably lost contact with some of them, (some of them, HB?, we're not talking phone-directory proportions here are we?) for very good reasons' (What reasons?)
'However, there may also be one or two exes who have become good friends, (B*******) and you are entitled to have those relationships. So is he.' (I'm still smiling HB, us men don't do jealousy, I am not gritting my teeth HB)
# Give him space:
'Let him have his time with his ex. (very mature of you HB) Ask him about his plans, but don't plague him with calls and texts while he's out with her'.
(What's that HB? - Gail and Eileen are having another row in Coronation Street, oh really, no the soup was fine, mushroom, yes my favourite, no I don't mind you calling, yes, ring me back when the cat comes in, speak to you soon...sorry Honeypie what were you saying?...Hello Tiddles, it's daddy, you okay, oh he's purring is he HB how sweet, yes see you soon...okay, bye Tiddles, daddy won't be late, bye HB, yes, of course I love you.)
'If you feel anxious, plan a date directly after his 'date' with her.(I'm a bit full HB, but I suppose I could manage another mixed grill, a small one at least, okay, extra large it is then) Sometimes, just seeing that your man only has eyes for you, even if he has just been out with an ex, is enough to put your mind at rest.' (No way HB, Honeypie is not half as good looking as you, not even a quarter and you are far more fun than she is and a better cook, okay, I won't over do it HB)
Politeness in the work place:
Should men hold doors open for women? I think the answer to this and other questions on politeness in the work place is simple; we should show common courtesy to all our work colleagues irrespective of their gender.
Anyone who shuns politeness has got issues with their own self-worth and should be pitied rather than despised or feared. Power is not about image it's about serving others and commanding respect.
The truth about multi-tasking:
If women have had to overcome many unfair assumptions in the work place then at least they can always rely on the age-old perception that men are incapable of doing more than one thing at once.
Of course that is a load of rubbish... excuse me just a second, the phone's ringing, I must take this call...
Sorry, where was I?...
"Listen Susan, can you tell the MD I WON'T be a minute and can you sort this bloody copier out, the stupid, S.T.U.P.I.D thing's kicking off again, ARRGGHH!... I am keeping calm Susan, in fact I'm keeping totally calm." Calm, Calm, Calm, I'm feeling calm.
Okay, okay, scientific research (conducted by women, no doubt) has proven that women ARE in fact better at multi tasking than men. The reason for this is that women's brains work in a more logical fashion which enables them to cope with multiple tasks at the same time.
Moving swiftly on...
Who gossips the most in the work place:
My smile is NOT a smug one girls, honest. I'm just naturally friendly that's all...
I think it's fair to say that women like to gossip?!? - alright talk to each other then. My wife often says that she did nothing at work all day apart from chat to her friends, I mean her work collegues.
Okay, guys chat as well but I think if talking was made an Olympic sport women would beat the men hands down.
Mobile phones were invented for women, just take a walk down the high street and count how many women are gabbing away on their mobiles. Okay, I'll make it easier for you, you can count the ones that aren't instead.
"It's good to talk" (an old BT slogan)
I preferred the one where the phone rang and someone shouted out "It's for you'oo". I was working in a department store at the time BT ran this particular ad and remember having to suffer members of the public mimicking the slogan (and having to smile at their originality) every time the phone rang - happy days.
To be continued...
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 1ST/APR/11
Handbag.com's latest article is entitled: "How to handle his former flames." Oh, this could be tricky, er, I mean interesting, let's see:
'Relationship advice from handbag.com on how to deal with his ex-girlfriends and jealousy. Should you be worried if he meets up with his ex and how should you cope with it?'
'So, it's getting serious with your bloke. You've met his friends. He's met yours. (I wasn't too keen on Scary Mary HB) He keeps a toothbrush at your place. You keep a complete second set of make-up at his. (or vice versa) But then one Saturday morning, you're lying in bed when his phone rings and he casually announces he's meeting Claire for a coffee that afternoon.'
'That's nice, you smile hazily, still swimming in a post-coital fog. (Pardon?) And then it dawns on you. Claire is his ex! (that's that b**** he refers to as 'Honeypie') Your head spins, nausea sets in and your judgement is momentarily clouded with jealousy as you visualise your bloke caught in a heated embrace with a stunning Natalie Portman-esque creature, only with hair.' (Me-ow, claws away, HB)
# Case of the ex:
'The easy thing to do in a situation like this one is completely fly off the handle, banning all contact between loverboy (charming, HB, I was the best thing since sliced bread not ten minutes ago, now I'm being referred to as 'loverboy') and his former flame.'
'Trouble is, this approach can result in any trust that you've spent the past weeks/months/years building. (sounds like it's been a chore HB) disintegrating before your eyes.'
'He might refuse to adhere to your no-contact rule (I would never call you controlling HB) or resent your jealousy, to the point where he'd rather maintain contact with his exes than have an overly clingy girlfriend falling to pieces whenever he wants to catch up with one of them.'(Breakfast smells good HB, by the way have you seen Thumper this morning? - You're going to hurt yourself with that knife if you're not careful)
'Here's how to avoid a total relationship meltdown and still feel satisfied that your man isn't carrying a candle for a lover past.' (How poetic - I was only being conversational HB. Okay, I'll shut up)
# Question time:
'Before you go berserk, ask questions. (a woman asking a man questions, how highly unusual HB) If your relationship is strong, he'll feel comfortable answering reasonable (REASONABLE) questions about this woman. What did she mean to him? How long ago did the relationship end? Does she have a new partner too?' (I feel like I'm on 'Mastermind' HB - specialist subject - 'Honeypie')
'Sometimes the answers are not exactly what you want to hear (so why ask?) he may tell you, for instance, that he was head-over-heels in love with her, but he should be able to reassure you that this relationship is well in the past. If he doesn't wish to answer your questions, (turn off the football and remove his can of beer, that usually does the trick) there's a problem. You may have an issue with honesty in this relationship.'
(HB, please turn the footy back on, yeah I love you more than words can say, now you're in the way of the TV. No, I haven't spoken to Honeypie recently.)
(This could be a long weekend guys) (Nothing sweet pea...You donkey! you couldn't hit a barn door from five yards, I wasn't talking to you darling honestly, could you bring me another beer from the fridge please?...)
(That was so childish HB, I hope it's made you feel better, it hasn't, where are you going? Please don't SLLAAAMMM - the door......)
To be continued ...
What do men do? cont...
This may sound like a very unsavoury characteristic but men by their nature tend to do as little as possible to acheive a desired outcome or result.
Joking aside this is a very important concept to comprehend. Results are results irrespective of how hard a person's worked in order to acheive them.
I'm fascinated by lions, I think they are wonderful creatures, if you've heard a lion's roar close up you'll know that it's one of the most amazing sounds to behold. Like all cats lions sleep for about sixteen hours a day - great work if you can get it!
Even when they're awake they still look half asleep but when they are hunting they are a totally different proposition. They will wait an age for the right opportunity to come along and when it does they strike with incredible speed and take out the weakest animal. Why take on the toughest in order to get the same result?
Women have a tendency to want to prove themselves. I'm a big fan of Tom Cruise and in the film 'A Few Good Men' his lawyer charachter turns around to his female counterpart (played by Demi Moore) and asks her "Why are you always quoting me your resumee?"
Women place far more importance than men on hard work and fairness, they don't feel like they've acheived something unless they've busted a gut in order to get it.
When will true equality be achieved?:
Women account for just under 50% of the UK's work-force but only 9% of it's companies' directors - how does that work?
True change take a long time and you can't overthrow thousands of years of custom, practice and tradition in just a few decades.
The relationship between men and women is evolving all the time. We are becoming more similar but we still have many differences. About twenty years from now I think we will have acheived true equality in the work place but I've got a sneeking suspicion that men will still have the easier life.
To be continued...
Have a great weekend.
"To understand the situation, you have to understand snakes," zoo Director Jim Breheny said (Er, Jim. We don't want to have to take a crash course in snakeology, just find the bloody thing and find it fast!)
# Buy a satellite dish from Ravalli Republic in Hamilton, Montanna and get a free gun!
Store owner Steve Strand says: "It took some haggling to get Dish Network Corp. to go along with the promotion, but it has more than trippled our business."
Apparantly 92% of new sales have come from in and around the Bronx area.
"Sid, get back in your box right now."
"That Bronx Zoo guy's on Discovery Channel again any minute and this weeks show's about how to handle venomous spiders."
"Tommy the tarnatula will be comming to stay with us for a few days Sid, you're going to like that."
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 30TH/MAR/11
# A giant 18th-century Chinese silk scroll painting of a military troop review has been sold at auction for more than £19 million in France.
The work, found in a Paris attic depicts army manoeuvres that mobilised some 20,000 men. (Old videos - bin, table with only three legs - bin, football boots caked in circa 1980's mud - bin, 25 kilo computer monitor - bin. Chinese scroll, Chinese scroll, Chinese scroll...)
# New looks are set to be unveiled at Toronto Fashion Week this week with Toronto native Paola Fullerton producing the show.
Mother of two, Paola who founded her production company last year states that: "The models are the most critical. They can make a terrible dress look fabulous and a bad model can make a spectacular gown look like garbage.” (Tell it how it is Paola)
# A poisonous cobra has vanished from an enclosure outside public view at the Bronx Zoo, and its Reptile House remains closed as a precaution while zoo workers search for the missing reptile.
While the roughly 20-inch-long Egyptian cobra — a highly venomous species of snake — has been unaccounted for since Friday afternoon, zoo officials say they're confident it hasn't gone far. (scant consolation to local residents, no doubt)
More and more women are now working full time. Thirty years ago the natural thing for a woman to do was stay at home and be a housewife whilst the man went out to work and earned the money.
This role of bread-winner made the man feel that he was entittled to make key family decisions with little or no consultation with his partner.
Slowly but surely this began to change until today women make up nearly half the work-force in the UK.
Women have battled long and hard to acheive equality in all areas of life but unfortunately hard work does not guarantee the best results. If we look at things objectively for just a moment; Who has actually benefited the most from women's rise in a previously male dominated society?
Er, you guessed it - MEN!
The majority of women now hold down full time jobs, run the home, look after the kids, care for elderly relatives, do the food shopping, the list is endless.
What do men do?
De-de-de-de-de-de-de... What? Don't look at me like that, and no I'm not playing for time... Promise... Cross my heart and hope to die... Okay, okay...
Men do extremely important things actually, or that's what they would like their partners to believe anyway.
At the onset of every winter when I was a kid my dad used to 'bleed the central heating system'. Of course I never took much notice of it at the time but what I DO remember is him making a really big deal about it and moreover, he convinced mum that it was a really big deal too.
You can imagine my surprise then when I got my first house and had to start bleeding radiators for myself - I remember putting the key on the valve and loosening it, waiting until water came out of the valve, then re tightening it. Hey presto! that's all there was to it.
All those years of mystery resolved in what, thirty seconds? This episode, although insignificant taught me an important lesson: Men often exagerate their contribution to the team effort.
To be continued...
# He wants a lifestyle change:
'Sometimes a man's reasons for getting commitment-friendly (careful again guys, remember united we stand divided we fall) are more pragmatic than passionate ‘let's live together, it'll save us money! ' (Us men tight YL? - never!) Cold, practical and financial, maybe, but it's a step in the right direction, nonetheless.' (you need to get out more YL)
# He goes through a personal trauma:
Never underestimate the importance of bereavement or serious illness in altering the relationship behavior of a man. (now you really have gone too far YL, next you'll be recommending hanging out at the undertakers if you want to get spliced - you've already tried that one - okay)
Random pleasure-seeking will suddenly look pointless and silly. On the other hand, if a man is in a serious relationship at the time, he may go the other way (do you mean turning gay YL?) - ie go travelling (oh), get a tattoo on his bum, ("for 6-pack check other side" - just a suggestion YL) shag anything with a pulse... (Pardon YL? - wash your mouth out with soap and water - women using crude language, what's the world comming to - next you'll be drinking pints and following the football, oh you already do, well, er, demanding equal pay for doing the same jobs as us then. What, you'd not thought of that one, s***, sorry guys!)
# He falls in love:
'There's always the possibility he's simply met someone so jaw-droppingly amazing, yes that's you! that he's instantly transported out of his overgrown adolescent lifestyle.' (Funny how agreeing with a woman suddenly makes you more mature... Oh, I CAN have Johnny round to play on the X-box tonight, thanks darling)
' "That's it," he says. "I'll never find anyone more perfect, so I'd better not mess this up. Call off the search!" Aah, ain't love grand.'
Ain't love grand? - You a Yorksire lass YL? - Well you know what they say "You can take the lass out of Yorkshire..."
Fancy another pint? - nice one.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 28TH/MAR/11
The conclusion to Yahoo Lifestyle's article 'The Key Signs He's Ready to Settle Down':
The boys are back from their two day bender with Sir Cliff and the women are ready to continue speaking. We are all ears girls:
# His beer gut: (You're getting extremely personal now YL - surely you mean our 6-packs) 'Let's be honest about this. If blokes could carry on sleeping with 22-year-old women well into their mid-40s and not feel stupid, pathetic and sad, most would.'
Sadly, the mirror not to mention the ravages of time (speak for yourself YL, I use Oil of Ulay) and okay then the beer, tells us different. (It's never the beers fault YL, never, if we are ill at a party it's always because we ate something dodgy at the buffet, never the 10 pints of lager we quaffed after it and don't you suggest otherwise - Oh I forgot to tell you, a 22-year-old guy called round earlier, he left these and said to say thanks for a lovely evening - I do believe you're blushing YL)
# He's had enough of mad birds:
'There comes a point in a man's life when he outgrows those passionate but self-destructive flings with nutty women.' (you said it YL not me, although I must agree with you nutty women do have a tendency to lead us guys astray - it's shameful really)
Women who had ‘trouble' tattooed on their forehead or elsewhere (now, now YL, steady on, a lot of women have tattoos these days, as long as they're spelt right who cares) and looks for a ‘normal' relationship. Next stop on the commitment express, marriage and kids. (woah, woah, hold your horses YL, just because you can spell 'Love' and 'Hate' correctly it doesn't mean we're getting hitched.)
Whoever coined the phrase 'Never go to sleep on an argument' should be taken out and shot. In fact thinking about it, it must've been a woman.
M - "It's 3am, I give in, I apologise unreservedly for dripping red wine on the carpet after you'd thrown it over me, now please let me go to sleep."
Everyone has experienced emotional insecurity at some point in their lives but advertising has made us and women in particular feel insecure about the way we look.
Hmm, will he actually notice I'm wearing something new? in fact I'm not sure wether I like the damn thing myself anymore. I'm sure it makes my arms look a bit CHUNKY. it's a strain to see my bum... b-u-t I'm s-u-r-e t-h-i-s d-o-e-s i-t no favours whatsoever. That skinny cow Sophie will be there tonight, prancing around and flirting with all the men, she makes me want to puke.
W - "I don't look fat in this do I?"
M - "No, you look absolutely gorgeous."
W - "Not fat?"
M - "NO, you look great, now come on we'll be late."
To be continued...
Have a great weekend.
A woman's most common emotional complaint about her man:
When it comes to considering each others feelings the most common complaint that women have about their men is that they can never get them to talk about their feelings.
That's the theory, but in reality it always seems to work slightly differently...
M - "Well honey the way I see it, it's like this..."
W - "Can you just shut up for one minute and let me have MY say. I do have my own oppinion you know."
Hmm, maybe that complaint should be re defined to 'women just can't get their men to listen whilst they tell them about THEIR feelings.'
Women tend to cope better with high emotion than men:
Far from women being the weaker sex their brains are in fact wired up far better to deal with stressful sitations than men's. Instinctively, high emotional arousal is a cue for a man to act, whereas women will instinctively try to use reason to resolve a problem.
That's why men have a tendency to walk away from arguments, because they feel the need to take action and are often afraid of what that action could be. Of course the woman will insist on following her man around the house until she feels the situation has been resolved.
# He's suffering from dating fatigue:
'Instead of being excited about being back on the singles scene, all he feels is the world-weary numbness and dread of having to go through the whole rigmarole again: meet someone, get to know them, visit their bedroom.' (wait 'till your invited YL - damn cheek)
You'll have to look at their photos (great idea, I only took 630 on my last holiday though, I'll search for some more whilst you're looking at those), meet their friends and family. (You make dating sound like a trip to the dentist YL - oh right, your boyfriend IS a dentist, I get the picture, nice teeth by the way)
# His mate/his ex gets married: Every man dreads being the last one left in the pub (that's a Mancunian's dream YL - hic!) - the sad old sod reciting The Fast Show sketches to himself (I remember the time Johnny Depp made a guest appearance. "suits you sir" "Oh it suits you better sir", it was so funny, I had tears running down my...sorry YL)
That's why, when your friends/ex couple up, the pressure's on to follow suit and you realise settling down needn't be the end of life as you know it (Jim). For a lot of men, the ultimate wake-up call is seeing your ex with their baby.(your ex or my ex and WHOSE bay? - Oh God, I'm out of here)
The commitment-friendly guys and the commitment-phobic guys are taking a recess to consider their options. Cliff Richard's taking us all out on a two day bender, that should be fun...
To be continued...
Have a good weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 25TH/MAR/11
Yahoo Lifestyle's latest article is about a woman recognising the 'key signs that her man is ready to settle down.'
Let's take a peek at it.
'Some of the real reasons he could transform himself from a commitment-phobe to commitment-friend...' (I'm not commiting to anything until I've read this article YL)
'If you're wondering if your guy is ripe (Ripe?) for getting serious, or whether you're wasting your time on an overgrown adolescent.'(that's a bit harsh YL - listen, I'm just going on my playstation for an hour. No, I'll tidy my room later. Oh God, sometimes you are just so unfair, I hate you.)
'Here's some of the real reasons he could transform himself from a commitment-phobe to commitment-friend.' (nice terminology YL sounds like this could be a win-win situation to me)
# He's lost his mojo:
(whoever coined this phrase should be shot at dawn - along with people who say 'teenyboppers' and the person/woman/women who invented button-up flys - You can just imagine it guys can't you: "What can we do to really p*** them off...I know let's invent button up flys - tee hee.)
'Many commitment-friendly men (be careful guys they're trying to divide us here, stand firm wether you're commitment-friendly or otherwise) say they're tired of the singles scene because they've "been there and done that." 'However, when pressed, they'll most likely admit they no longer feel comfortable in their old hangouts, (most of mine have been pulled down YL - but that's another story) often complaining the bars they used to frequent were ‘full of teenyboppers'. Slippers and pipe at the ready, ladies?' (That's a load of bull - Ouch, you've made my cocoa too hot again YL! Pass me a chocolate digestive please)
On second thoughts, maybe that isn't such a good idea, especially when you consider that women already give their guys instructions on how to behave in most other areas.
"Don't go embarassing me at this party now will you? Don't drink too much and don't go on about John losing his hair, you know he's touchy about it. You're not wearing that surely, put something smart on, please..."
Why do women love writing lists:
I'm digressing slightly but on the run up to one bank holiday my wife kept mentioning all these DIY jobs she wanted me to do. After about the third or fourth request I asked her to write me a list...
Listen guys if you want to remain EMOTIONALLY stable during holiday periods DO NOT ask your partner to write you a list about DIY or anything else for that matter.
Needless to say the list she wrote me was vast, I still have nightmares about it to this day! It made the Magna Carta look like a post-it note.
women write lists about anything and everything, they are so organised it's infuriating. Us guys like our mess, it's our mess and it's organised mess, okay.
"Please don't tap your teeth with that pen you're making me nervous."
A woman's most common emotional complaint about her man:
To be continued...
Okay, we're living in the twenty first century, most of the stereotypes about how men and women are supposed to act emotionally have been consigned to the dustbin - thank god but although we now all enjoy more emotional freedom, it also serves to make life much more complicated.
I mean, when I was child it was fairly straight forward, boys were boys and girls were girls. All the lads played footy at lunch time and the girls just played skipping or hopscotch. Okay, we'd interact ocassionally, for a game of tig or netball but that was as far as it went.
Any guy who played with the girls was considered a sissy and likewise girls who prefered male company were regarded as tomboys.
Anyway, all that was a long time ago, back to the present day and our new found emotional freedom. As I said, it can make life very complicated. Guys and girls now have to be capable of displaying a myriad of emotions, not only that but we have to display the RIGHT emotion at the RIGHT time and that's not always easy.
For example, if a man shows sensitivity when he's supposed to be displaying strengh he's considered a wimp and if he comes across too hard when sensitivity is the order of the day he's regarded as an uncaring brute. It might be a good idea if the girls actually told us how they wanted us to act emotionally, in advance.
Ian Bebbington, an estate agent from Northallerton has been criticised about a property advertisement he wrote in which he described local residents as "scruffy" and Smelly".
Whilst his efforts were intended to be light-hearted, residents of Prospect View immediately took exception, and Mr Bebbington has admitted he's received so many complaints that he has written to everyone in the street to explain his choice of language.
Don't worry Ian, if your employers give you the boot, I recommend you stand for parliament. After all Harriet Harmon had to apolgise recently for describing one of her colleagues as a "ginger rodent" and Stuart Maclennan, the Labour candidate for Moray called House of Commons speaker John Bercow a "t***" on Twitter.
It makes what you said sound quite tame really, besides which those stinkers from Prospect View need to get themselves a sense of humour.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 23RD/MAR/11
'Smart advertising' is comming to the UK. (Don't all cheer at once)
Oh, dear, just when we thought we'd got the better of the ad-men by Sky plusing everything so we could fast-forward through the adverts, they've come up with a dastardly new plan.
'Smart advertising' will target people depending on their consumer habits, it has emerged. Broadcasters are set to introduce advertisements based on 'personal tastes' to halt the growing shift from television to the internet.
Under the scheme, which will start being rolled out within two years, adverts would be transmitted during "live" viewing. The timing and length of breaks will remain unchanged.
Advertisers will use various marketing tools (In other words, more annoying phone calls when we are all sat down eating our tea after a hard days work) in order to gather 'personalised information' on viewer preferences.
Oh, this is going to be just great, five minutes to go with the footy and an advert for loo role suddenly appears.
However, wait a moment, my anger soon turns to sheer nerve-tingling excitement, because - YIPEE! - it's not just any loo role they're advertising, it's my FAVOURITE brand of loo role!! Who cares who won the football anymore, I'm nipping down to Tesco's to buy some right this minute...
Is It Possible To Improve Your Man's Bathroom Etiquette?:
If only he would show more consideration around the bathroom. How many times do I have to tell him NOT to leave the toilet seat up? Once? twice? weekly? daily? hourly? - But does he listen?
That's annoying enough but as for the, well, let's just call it, oooh, it's disgusting, 'yellow liquid' splattered on and around the toilet, can they not aim straight for God's sake!
He never puts the towel back straight, all he has to do is fold it in half lenghways, then widthways and then put it on the towel rail, I mean come on, it's not rocket science.
As for cleaning the bath out, well let's not go there, it makes me shudder just to think about it. He's in there at the moment, singing, er, or trying to, I hope he doesn't set the dog off. I'll have to fully disinfect the place (either that or call out Rent-O-Kill) before I can go and enjoy a well earned soak.
To be continued...
Have a great weekend.
Why do women need so many bottles of shampoo?
Yeah, okay generally speaking, girl's hair tends to be longer than guys. That conceded, is it really necessary to fill the bathroom cupboards with every type of shampoo and conditioner known to man?
"Sorry honey, you're going to have to find another place to store your razor..."
No wonder. We can't move in there because it's so crammed full of shampoo bottles.
Shampoo for greasy hair, shampoo for dry hair, shampoo for fly-away hair, shampoo for processed hair?!?, shampoo for colour treated hair. Baby shampoos, low alkaline shampoos, dry shampoos...It's hair for God's sake, JUST WASH IT!
"Just remind me again honey, which is the stuff I can use? What colour bottle is it? - we've run out, okay, I'll use the liquid soap instead."
# Ordering inappropriate food:
'Save being experimental with your menu choices for when you’re out with friends. Now isn’t the time to try the garlic fritters for the first time or to order the hottest curry on the menu. You really don’t want to be left looking red faced, sweaty and chugging down gallons of water (Is lager okay though?) to get rid of the tastes.'
'Stick to simple dishes you know you can eat with dignity and decorum instead.' (Like I said Big Mac/Large fries, can't go wrong there and if your date manages to eat that with dignity and decorum, you know you're on to a winner, this dating lark's a doddle YP)
# Overdoing the perfume/cologne:
You’re out on a date so of course you want to look and smell your best, (Thanks YP, it's called 'Old Spice' none of that fancy 'Dolce & Bandanna' crap for me) but too much scent is overpowering (I had to put a lot on because the bottle said use by Dec 1978, I thought it might be a bit weak, it's not?) and a massive turn-off.
'Stick to the one spritz rule (What does Mark Spritz know about fragrances? - if you're under 30 you wont get that, no apologies) lest you want to be followed around by a swarm of bees.' (Honey pie!)
'It’s also advisable to avoid any last-minute beauty treatments like a DIY self-tan unless (No, I don't use a sunbed, I'm just naturally healthy looking YP) you look particularly good in streaky orange' (How dare you?)
# Talking about how long it is since you last had sex:
'Making your date feel sorry for you by revealing how long you’ve gone without is a poorly thought out tactic (You make it sound like a military campaign YP) that will only make you look sad and desperate. (Got that, I'd better lie then) And that’s never an attractive trait.
Always keep in mind that it’s inappropriate to bring up the topic of sex on a date, (you brought it up first YP, not me.) even if you’re using it in a self-deprecating way. (pardon?) Best steer clear of the subject. altogether.'
Bet you £10 you won't sleep with me tonight YP.
Well that's paid for the happy meal, every cloud and all that. Cheap dates, us guys just love 'em.
Oh, thanks very much YP, I'll have a pint of Stella please.
Now WE ARE entering the realms of fantasy guys. Yes, you've guessed it, this is just a dream, You'll wake up any minute, licking your lips with your hand cupped around an imaginary pint of lager.
Male fantasies, now there's a topic.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 21ST/MAR/11
The conclusion to Yahoo Personals article on 'Biggest dating deal breakers and how to avoid them.'
# Forgetting their name:
'Forgetting your date’s name or worse calling them by the wrong name will be embarrassing and awkward for both of you. Your date might start to wonder just how many other people you’re seeing for their name to have fallen out of your brain so fast.'
A simple tip is to say your date’s name out loud five times before leaving the house. That way it should stick in your memory. And if you’re in any doubt, avoid using their name at all.'
(Erm, my date will have a Big Mac, large fries and a strawberry milkshake please. 'I think names are really important Andy don't you?' Erm, yeah I do, how do you spell your's by the way...phew that was a close shave, S*** did she say YP or HP, I can't ask her again, I'm sure she said it was HP)
How would you say your name in French then..."Why peeee", that's really nice. (YP, YP, YP, YP, YP...got it)
'Talking about your ex is a sure-fire signal that you’re not ready to be dating yet. Take it from us, your potential new love doesn’t want to be bored to tears with the story of how your last partner did you wrong or was the best you’d ever had.'
(Can I not tell her about how 'honey pie' ditched me and is now travelling around Europe, just the first six weeks of the tour - No? - ok, but I do want to...honey pie where are you...?)
'It’s best not to mention your previous relationships at all (spoilsport) – unless it comes up in conversation – (Do you like honey YP?) in which case you can just say something simple like “It didn’t work out.” or “We wanted different things.” before steering the conversation on to a different topic.'
Bad Habits Cont...
Of course bad habits aren't confined to just men. (honestly) Women can have equally annoying habits, such as tidying everything away and then forgetting where they've tidied it to!
Guys, If you value something take my advice, put it away safe, this is not an ABSOLUTE guarantee that it will remain there but it's a much better bet than leaving it out on show, because even though said item maybe precious to you, to her it's just a piece of old junk spoiling the look of her lovely clean house.
It will either get tidied away or worse still it could even get get binned!
"Darling, have you seen my signed photo of Babe Ruth, you know the greatest baseball player that ever lived, the guy I was telling you about the other day. It's just that I left it out on the counter this morning to remind me to take it to get it valued?"
DON'T DO IT, YOU'LL REGRET IT...ANYTHING you value, put it somewhere safe, well out of her reach.
Learn To Compromise:
Making decisions together is not always easy, therefor compromise is essential. After a fair amount of time living together you start to understand each others little foibles and the things that are important to one another.
She's watching that remote control like a hawk, she may seem absolutely engrossed in her favourite programme but you make one move for it and quick as a flash, she'll grab it.
Bur in fairness though, she has compromised this evening, well sort of anyway, we've sat through, three soaps, two house programmes and an hour of the shopping chanel, guys be warned, that's a women's interpretation of compromise!
Word of warning for both guys and girls, if you haven't had chance to check the TV listings don't bother asking your partner. If there's nothing on that they want to watch but something on that they know you will, they'll simply reply "There's nothing good on tonight, I'll find us something to watch on Sky plus".
Alternatively, if your partner is channel-hopping and they land on something they know you like but they don't, it will take them less than a milesecond to switch chanels again. Everything's fair in love, war and er, who gets to watch what on TV!
Why do women need so many bottles of shampoo?
To be continued...
# Texting or answering your phone.
'The other person has given up their time to spend the evening with you. The least you can do is give them your full attention.' (Dr mum, pls cld u sky+ prog on steam engines on BBC1 4me, wont b late - luv andy x)
'The most polite thing to do is to switch your phone off when you’re on a date.' (Ok, I'll just text mother one more time and then I'll turn it off for good, I promise YP. YP...? YP...?)
'If you can’t quite manage that, pop it in a pocket and switch it to silent vibrate. If you need to check your messages you can do so during a discreet loo break.' (I'm just nipping to the loo again YP, that water's going straight through me, I'll be back in a moment)
# Conversation interruptus:
'Constantly interjecting when your date is trying to tell you something or interrupting them mid-flow shows a short attention span and a lack of good manners. Listen and speak when there’s a gap in the conversation. You won’t learn anything about the other person unless you give them a chance to speak.'
(See, I'm learning YP, I didn't interupt you once there, now tell me more about yourself - word of warning guys, this phrase should be used with extreme caution and when you have at least a couple of spare hours to kill, because ME is the fairer sex's 4th favourite word following closely behind shoes, handbags and cushions, you've been warned)
'You are conversing well, (don't patronise YP, it doesn't become you) but don’t mistake that good rapport for an excuse to recount every unsavoury anecdote from your past.' (Oh, I must tell you YP, about the time when I ate 6 meat pies and drank 12 pints of lager in under an hour...)
'There is such a thing as too much information. Take a few seconds to think about how the anecdote might reflect on you before you open your mouth and you could save yourself future embarrassment.' (I was sick on my shoes and this big bird had to carry me home...forget I just said that YP)
I don't know about you guys but I think I'm in here, just nipping to the loo again though to see if mum's okay, she's not used to being left alone. You know, I might just ask YP if she wants to go away for the weekend with us both...
Too be continued...
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 18TH/MAR/11
In a recent article Yahoo Personals outlined the 'Biggest dating deal breakers and how to avoid them.' see what you think:
'Prone to getting a bit too tipsy, or talking about your ex on dates? Unfortunately, your behaviour could unintentionally put off the partner of your dreams. To avoid the possibility of a dating disaster, we’ve outlined the biggest dating faux pas and how to avoid them.'
# Eyeing up other women or men:
'No matter how hot the waitress/bartender/guy or gal at the next table is, (that's easy for you to say) it’s rude to ogle (new men do not ogle YP, new women? - well that's a different story, and no I do not think the waiters got a cute bum) when you’re supposed to be wooing the person sat right in front of you.'
'Be respectful (are we going to church YP?) and give your date the undivided attention he/she deserves. Never let your eyes stray, no matter how tempting'. (Bless me father for I have sinned...sorry YP, old habits die hard)
# Getting too drunk:
'Being carried home having been sick on your shoes is unlikely to score you any points. (I don't know many women that could carry me home YP, and I'm not sure I'd want to date the ones that I do know, but I get your point.) Don’t let a few drinks to loosen you up turn into a full-blown bender.' (As if!)
'If you’re just meeting for drinks, then be sure to eat something first (I'm taking you for a Macdonald's YP, so don't spoil your appetite) and don’t be shy about taking a few sips of water between alcoholic beverages to stop you from getting too squiffy.' (Er, how about a few sips of alcohol between glasses of water? Us guys aren't made of money, you know - damn cheek)
To be honest it probably takes a couple of months of living together before you really start to notice each other's bad habits but once you do they seem to start springing up all over the place!
In fairness, he only leaves a tiny amount of stubble in the bathroom sink when he shaves, you can hardly notice it really, and the wet towels left on the bathroom floor, well I suppose that's men for you, the clothes strewn all over the bedroom? The dirty pots in the sink!
"I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER, THIS IS NOT A HOTEL. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!"
"Please, love, can you just move slightly, I can't see the footy."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU REALLY ARE INTOLERABLE..." ...SLAM!!!!!
"What did I say?? women, so tempremental...go on, go on, GO ON, YESSSSS!! get in there my son!"
"AND ANOTHER THING..."
To be continued...
Have a blissfull weekend, honeybees.
Moving In With Your Partner:
You've been seeing your partner for quite a time now and both of you have decided (well actually the woman has decided but to the rest of the world it's "we've decided") it's time to move the relationship onto the 'next level' and move in together.
Well you survived a week in Teneriffe together, (well sort of) and for the main part you get on really well, so you feel the time is now right to take the plunge.
Space is very important to everyone, so, wether you are moving into a new place or into your partners', respecting each other's space will help make the transition as smooth as possible.
However, men and women have differnt ideas about what items are important and how much space they deserve. Women tend to place a greater importance on clothes (including accessories...) cushions, and bed linen, whereas men tend to travel much lighter eg. a couple of old CD's and a case of beers.
The first few weeks go swimmingly, it's just like being on holiday again really, well minus the great weather, chilled out atmosphere and the all-inclusive but you know what I mean. What could possibly spoil this blissful existence? "I love you sooooo much honeybee"
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 16TH/MAR/11
David Beckham will move back to Britain this year with his sons already enrolled at a top public school, according to a report.
The News of the World claims that the former England captain and his family are set to return by the end of the year, with the paper's source confirming earlier reports that Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham are to attend Haberdashers' Aske's Boys' School in Hertfordshire.
I'd just like to say a special thanks on behalf of all my compatriots to the US for taking the Beckhams off our hands for a couple of years. However, personally, I have missed reading about what Victoria has for breakfast and what David's going to do with his hair next...
The average Briton has nine keys on their key ring – and no idea what at least two of them are for, according to a study.
Women have two more keys on their keyrings than us guys, well they would have to have wouldn't they, I'm just surpised it's only two more. Now if we were talking about pairs of shoes, it would be 22 more at least.
Cushions and handbags, well, as David Brent would say, whilst mimicing speech marks with his fingers "Let's not go there".
De-cluttered my own key ring last week, God knows what half the keys were for, I'll no doubt find out when I come to unlock something I no longer posess the key for!
The survey suggests that there are more than 100 million "mystery keys" in the country, weighing more than 1,000 tonnes.
I promise to remove my anorak and get a life in time for the next PD update, but this key thing's really got a grip of me, it's really quite fascinating once you get into it...
Train numbers, that's what I can talk about next time, I'll start researching it now...
Asking a member of the opposite sex out on a date:
Most people become anxious at the thought of asking a member of the opposite sex out on a date. No one likes rejection or to feel embarrassed and rightly so.
However, if we really like someone, it's better to know one way or another if our feelings are reciprocated. 'If you don't ask you don't get' really is a truism and we must keep in mind the fact that when we ask someone out we are paying them a compliment and everyone likes to be complimented.
If they say no then simply accept it and move on.
We are all different but personally I do not believe in pursuing someone in the hope that they may change their mind or they are simply playing hard to get. If they ARE playing hard to get they'll come round eventually, we've told them how we feel, the ball is now firmly in their court. The next time you meet them be positively charming but keep a subtle distance, do not sulk.
If it really does feel uncomfortable to come straight out and ask someone out we can always defuse the whole situation and simply make it our goal just to get to know them.
If we are truly honest with ourselves we will have a good idea after a couple of conversations if the relationship has got any mileage in it or not
# chat up line: "I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them right now, they're out in the car."
# chat up line: "If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?"
The ice breaker:
If we want to talk to someone it really DOES NOT matter what our opening line is. What does matter is how we deliver it. The timing must be right IE they are not deep in conversation with a friend, in a hurry, look like they are upset or preoccupied about something etc. and we must speak clearly.
If you get a knock back from a peice of small talk then the person is not a very nice one and should be avoided at all costs, life's too short to spend time with horrible people.
Take small steps:
When you do get round to asking him or her out make it something that only requires a small commitment like going for a cup of coffee or going for lunch. This makes it easier for you both to get to know each other before deciding wether going on a full blown date is a good idea.
Zero pressure is always a good approach, we need to be attentive without being suffocating. If the relationship progresses to a proper date then it is important to make an effort and get it right because going from first date to second date is a big psychological step for both parties and if the object of your affection has any niggling doubts about the relationship's immediate future they are likely to call it a day at this stage.
To be continued...
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED MON 14TH/MAR/11
The conclusion of Matthew Hussey's article "Get the Guy, a man's view - The myth of playing 'hard to get.' " Courtesy of Handbag.com.
'Does this describe your attitude?. "Make myself the prize. Yee-ha!, (Are you sure she used the phrase Yee-ha! Matt? - she's from Texas, okay, sorry carry on) that'll make him try to win me. (It's not a raffle Matt) He'll put massive value on someone he has to work really hard for.'
'Playing "hard to get" is all well and good but once you finally give him the one thing he wants (Her season ticket to United? - No? - What then?) it won't seem so good anymore'
'This is known as ‘cat-string theory'. If you dangle a string above a cat, the cat will keep clawing at it in a desperate desire to possess the string. Of course, when you finally give up the elusive object, the cat doesn't want it any more.' (Admit it Matt, you just made that one up, you're smiling, I knew it.)
'This isn't any route to lasting happiness in a relationship. In fact, there are only two types of men you will end up with when you play this "hard to get" game.'
1. An insecure mess who spends all his time trying to figure out where he stands. OR
2. You create a man who plays your own games back at you (Ne ne ne ne ne)
Meanwhile, most good men will have done one of the following:
1. Given up after assuming you must not be interested. (She may still text though, it's only been three weeks, she'll be in Germany by now...)
2. Grown bored and moved on to someone more fun. (NO ONE could POSSIBLY be more fun than my honey pie, I LOVE HER)
3. Deemed you ‘rude' and decided you're not worth their time. (Rude is the new polite Matt, surely you knew that)
Not hard to get, but high value: 'What men really want is a woman who is high value.'
'A woman of high value devotes her efforts to being genuinely exciting (Yee-ha!) and having an amazing lifestyle. High value women put value on their time - High value women don't drop everything, friends, career and hobbies just because a man walks into her life.' (damn cheek).
If a guy she likes texts her when she has a lot on her plate, she just says so and arranges for another time.' (Brad, v/busy at mo, so much ironing so ltl time, must dash, spk ltr x)
'High value, unlike hard to get, allows you to be genuine. Hard to get relies on telling women to conceal who they really are, (Is that not Maybeline?) or tells them to convey a certain disinterested image to hide their intentions. And let me tell you, (here comes the profound bit) any principle telling you to hide who you are is never coming from a position of strength.'
...Hi hun, hope yr trip to europe is gng well, i thnk u r a hi value and exctg woman with an amzg l/style. love u xxx
BEEP BEEP...Listen creep, if you dont stop texting me i'm going to ring the police. i mean it.
These women that play hard to get, they've no idea, I'll direct her to Matt's article, that'll make her see sense.
I'll text her later.
Clothes Shopping Cont...
My wife tends to have a favourite handbag that she'll use for a couple of months before 'retiring' it and buying another one. The glow on her face when she becomes the proud owner of yet another new handbag is quite amazing...
As far as men are concerned, I think female behaviour regarding handbags will remain an unsolved mystery. (A bit like crop circles or the Bermuda Triangle) I do think that Jimmy Choo's got a lot to answer for though. I mean £700, (that will buy you 218.75 pints of Stella by the way!) for a handbag is just obscene.
The Tell-tale Signs She's gearing up For a BIG Shopping Spree:
How could they possibly accuse us guys of being tight-fisted? Men are just more careful with money, that's all. But beware guys, just when you think you've got the month's finances covered, they'll decide they just HAVE to go clothes shopping.
Yeah guys, you may well peep out from behind your fingers and no, you do not want to know how much she has spent..."No, more than that, much more in fact... You could always sell the car? - You okay? You don't look to well."
When your girl has designs on sending your credit cards into melt down, be warned, she will go about it oh so subtly. She'll probably begin by dropping the odd hint (the old-old chestnut) that she has nothing to wear, no work clothes, no going-out clothes, no clothes whatsoever... (In fact, if she is to believed, in comparison to her, Cinderella has the wardrobe of Posh Spice)
she may even prick your conscience by asking If you want her to look scruffy when she goes out with you? ("No of course I don't honey" - Bingo! right answer)
If she starts to flutter her eyelashes at you, beware, this is a sure-fire sign she is about to ask you for something, probably money. This is the 'nice phase'. However, keep in mind, if this approach fails to work, she will move on, totally undettered to many other 'phases', including (but not limited to) the provision of sexual favours (or there withdrawl), arguments, tantrums and the last resort - blackmail.
My advice is to save yourself a whole lot of bother, just decide on an amount you're prepared to let her spend and negotiate up from the bottom.
Hey, relationships aren't always about moonlight and roses guys, sometimes they're akin to unarmed combat. Trust me, If you behave like a pussy they will whip your butt.
"Coming sweatpea. What's that princess, you just want to stop off at Selfidge's just to see what new lines they've got in..." (Yikes!)
To be continued...
Have a great weekend.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED FRI 11TH/MAR/11
Dating coach Matthew Hussey (nice name) recently wrote an article for Handbag.com it was entitled 'Get the Guy: a man's view' - Well done Matthew, it's about time us guys had a say on the relationships front.
'There is a great myth in the dating world that has been sold to women as solid dating advice for years. The "great myth" can be summed up in eight words: MEN WANT A WOMAN WHO IS HARD TO GET.' (Well us guys do like a bit of a challenge Matt, Can I call you Matt? - Thanks, how about Matty, okay, I'll stick to Matt)
'Let me start by saying this belief is a fallacy. It's complete BS. And I'm going to tell you why.' (I'm all ears Matt)
'In fact, this belief leads to more unhappiness and unfulfilled relationships than I could possibly list in an entire book.' (I bet you're going to give it a damn good try though, sorry, Matt, I'll cut the cynicism)
'Now I don't claim to understand the female mind. (Your not on your own on that one Matt) No male could. But what I do know better than anyone else (modesty does not become you Matt) is the male brain.(Be careful Matt, the girls will just say that's because it's simpler, I just don't want you to leg yourself up, that's all)
I've taught guys in seminars every weekend for the last four years, (Is your mother worried?) through which I have learnt every single issue that men have with women. (Issues? They just tell us what to do and we do it Matt, simples - Not much of a seminar though, granted)
'And let me tell you something (go..on..then) - ‘hard to get' is not working. It's not how to get men. Not in the long run.'
Why so many women play games: (I like twister Matt) 'Let's look at some classic examples of ‘hard to get' behaviour. Below are a couple of recommendations that followers of the ‘hard to get' club and they are a club, would usually advise:
"If he approaches you and your friends at a bar, don't give him any attention." (Excuse me, I said excuse me please, excuse me, you there, I'm talking to you...... I get your point Matt)
"Don't answer texts from him the next day." (Hi agn hun, yr mob musnt b wrkg o/wise ud've answd 1 of my prvs 43 msgs, will try agn ltr love u xxx......Only me agn hun, gng 2 bed now love u lots, nte nte xxx
BEEP BEEP - Is that my honey pie?
F****** BT! no I don't want to save ANYTHING on my phone bills, now, p*** off)
"Be elusive when he tries to make plans with you." (Travelling round Europe for the next two years? That's a long time hun but don't worry, I'll be here waiting for you when you get back - oh, you're doing Asia after that - then Australasia...)
It's time for plan B
To be continued...
Clothes Shopping Cont...
Well guys you've worked hard all week, so you're going to enjoy that vital game on TV. (Good for you, you deserve it) No, I wouldn't suggest saying you're going to watch it down the pub, don't push your luck.
Just pretend to do a couple of jobs around the house to kill time until the kick-off and then f-l-o-p onto the Sofa for a well earned rest and casually f-l-i-c-k on the TV. What could be simpler?
Oh, he whinged and he moaned like he always does, but you got your own way in the end, two weeks to go to your holiday, as if you were going to let him lounge about watching the footy all day. He did do quite a few jobs round the house before the game started mind, bless him. In a battle of wits, it's a bit like fighting an unarmed man.
Now, here he is resembling a rabbit trapped in a car's headlights, clutching 10 items of clothing (the ones you chose for him of course, I mean tartan shorts matched with a stripey top, please) queueing for the changing rooms. (Why is there always more women than men in the men's changing rooms? - Just thought I'd ask.)
After what seems like an eternity he finally appears from the changing rooms in outfit number one. The other ten girls that are accompanying their own clothes-shopping partners kindly offer their opinions as to whether the outfit actually suits your guy or not before he shuffles away looking somewhat embarrassed to try on outfit number two.
Eventually having got to know some of the other girls remarkably well you finally feel confident that he's suitably kitted out so as not to embarrass you too much on holiday.
"See that wasn't too bad was it? - little chuchy face."
Why do women love handbags?
I can understand the attraction in buying clothes, (in moderation - sorry for that expletive girls) but handbags, I just don't get it. Yeah, okay, accessories need to match (so buy a neutral coloured bag that goes with everything - simple, cost-effective, perfect... it's NOT boring) but what's the attraction in owning hundreds of different handbags?
To be continued...
Imagine the scene guys, your girl can't close her wardrobe because there are so many clothes crammed inside. You're thinking of moving house, but you know it'll take two removal vans just to transport her shoes. (okay, I'm exaggerating, one for her shoes and one for her handbags)
You both get invited to some innocuous event and what's the first words out of your beloved's mouth, you've guessed it, "I've got nothing to wear... AND you're not bothered are you? - just look at you sat there..."
Nothing to wear? Are you having a laugh, most women could wear a different outfit every day for the next six months and still have clothes to spare.
Whereas guys find clothes they like and feel comfortable in (What do you mean I'm forever wearing the same green jumper? - Which green jumper? - this one? - the one I'm wearing at the moment? - Don't be silly) and get their wear out of them.
The holiday snaps are a dead giveaway, though, the girls always looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, sporting all their new outfits, whereas the guys ...
Well, all I can say is that most of my clothes know there own way to the airport!
"Oh, look Andy, you're wearing the same shirt you had on in these old holiday snaps, how charming. Isn't it a good fifteen years since you last went to Teneriffe?"
"It's fourteen actually."
Taking Your Man Clothes shopping:
This is the toughie girls, it's a toss up between who looks smarter, the local tramp, or your guy, or maybe your guy is the local tramp? - Anyway, you've had enough, this weekend, come hell or high water, you're going to take him (kicking and screaming if necessary) clothes shopping...
To be continued...
Have a great weekend - The weather forecast for the UK is good, so we've already bought in a few tinnies and some barbie food...
It is not known which song Mr Evans was practising, but from the VT my guess is 'Stairway to Heaven'. Top song that...dd ding, ding, ding... sorry, where were we, oh yeah, defence cuts.
A bit more respect is in order Mr Evans.
Finally a mass brawl at an Argentinian football match saw the referee issue an astonishing 36 red cards. (dismissals) Considering there are only 22 players on the pitch at any one time, this is quite mystifying. Apparrantly he dismissed EVERYONE from both teams including all the coaches and backroom staff.
After the game which finished Claypole 2 Victoriana 0 the Vicoriana manager accused the referee of overreacting.
The official's next game in charge is Celtic v Rangers.
RETRO POST: ORIGINALLY POSTED WED 9TH/MAR/11
A spider that likes the smell of gasoline so much it chooses to build its webs in car emission systems was behind the recall of thousands of Mazda cars in the United States.
The culprit is the Yellow Sac spider, which makes the Mazda6 it's 'home' because it is lured inside by the smell of the fuel.
Mazda now has to modify 52,000 vehicles (yikes) but fortunately for them it's only one of their models that's been affected and they have set up a dedicated website to deal with the problem.
Are you keeping up with this? - website, spiders - oh forget it...
Graham Evans, a Conservative MP, has been criticised for not paying attention (yes, our front-line politicians do bare remarkable similarities to naughty school children) when Liam Fox, the Defence Secretary, defended sacking 11,000 troops in the House of Commons - and playing air guitar instead.
Okay, there's a time and a place for everything but playing air guitar in the House of Commons, come on.
The MP for Weaver Vale was practising chords using a rolled up Parliamentary order paper for a guitar while Dr Fox discussed military job losses.
Why do Women Love Soap Operas?
If men were born to tinker with their cars or play video games, then women were certainly born to follow 'soap operas'.
Trying to get any form of communication out of my wife when she's watching one of her favourite soaps is like trying to get blood out of a stone. She just sits there, clutching the remote control (just in case I might take it upon myself to try and check the footy scores - even during the adverts!) with a mesmerised look on her face.
In the UK, we have about four or five main soap operas and the female population and the odd male, religiously follow at least one or two of them. (Ken and Dreary: "You can shove that up your 'C & A' jumper, Ken" from Coronation Street are my favourites characters - I don't get out much)
All the soap storylines are so far-fetched it's untrue. Arguably, our most famous soap is 'Coronation Street', it's a bit like Dallas but without the glamour, oil, (apart from Kev's garage), money and beautiful people.
The 'Street' in reality is just some everyday street set in Manchester, but in soap land, it is transformed into a place where out of the ordinary events become everyday occurrences.